Thursday, May 29, 2008


Today, I am so tired. I have zero energy or want to do much with life today. I miss my old before the saddness, the exhaustion, the anger and the bitterness. I miss those dreams of my sons playing with my daughter. Of how exciting the holidays were going to be this year and of how my family was going to work with three children under the age of two. I miss the idea of how crazy it was going to be at our house with three little ones running around. I miss Lucas. I miss Declan. I miss being happy and carefree. I am tired and I know I am depressed but I don't know how to make life better. I don't know how to get the energy to play with my daughter or to spend time with my husband. All I know is how to get out of bed and wander thru my day. I love you Lucas. I love you Declan. I'm sorry Kevin and Mackenzie for not being all that you need me to be today....

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

My story

Well, I figured since I just started this blog that I should give a little background about my life and why this blog is so important to me. Why I need this as an outlet for my grief. I married my husband after 5 years of dating and we have been married for going on 5 years now. He is the most amazing man and I am so lucky to have him. He is my best friend and truly my better half. As we were planning our wedding, we talked about having a family like most young couples do and what we envision for ourselves. We wanted to have our kids young and have 2-4 of the running around the house pretty close in age. Well, about 4 months after we got married, I was pregnant and being excited about it I told my family but it ended with a miscarriage at about 8 weeks. I was upset but I knew that it wasn't meant to be for whatever reason and we would try again as soon as we could. We tried again almost immediately but this time it took 9 months to get pregnant. Again, around the 8 week mark, it ended in miscarriage. This time I was devastated and starting to worry that something was wrong? Of course, the doctors say not to worry until it has happened 3 times... boy, that is a reassuring statement...go through hell 3 times and then we will help you. Once again, about 6 months later, I got pregnant and it ended in miscarriage at 7 weeks. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I remember thinking, I am never going to be able to have my husbands children. My hopes and dreams were becoming more and more broken. This is where my fertility story begins.

We went to a fertility specialist and they ran all the tests they could think of on both my husband and myself. It turns out that I had a clotting factor, scar tissue from a D&C I had with one of my miscarriages and a septum (fibrous lining of the uterus which I was born with) so, needless to say I had to have surgery. I had surgery to remove the septum and scar tissue in November of 2005. We used some fertility medication to regulate my out of whack cycles and were pregnant in January. To say this pregnacy was uneventful would be an understatement. I had ovarian hyperstimulation (bed rest from week 5 to week 7), then bleeding (bed rest from week 12 to week 20), pre-mature labor (bed rest from week 32 to 36) and then a c-section at 36 weeks due to problems with my delivery. Needless to say, it was worth every second of being terrified, stressed, mentally and emotionally exhausted because I have my amazing daughter Mackenzie!

After going through all the miscarriages and fertility stuff, we decide when Mackenzie was 5 months that we would try to get pregnant on our own. We had been told that sometimes pregnancy can regulate your body and maybe we could do it on our own. Well, after 4 months of trying and my cycles being all messed up, we decided to try the fertility meds again for help. This time, we went for a lower dose in hopes of preventing the ovarian hyperstimulation and other complications that the meds can cause. Well, on the first try it worked and we were blessed with triplets!!! I was in did we get triplets this time when we used a lower dose of medication? Well, here is where our story begins to take its downward spiral again.

I was really upset about having triplets but it was out of the question to terminate any of the fetus's in my opinion. How could I pick which one to get rid of??? I just couldn't do that but at the same time, I kept thinking I had so many complications trying to carry just one baby how am I going to carry 3? It turns out that one of the sacs never developed a heartbeat and it is horrible to say but I was relieved because I thought well now maybe my body can give these other two babies a chance. I think this is why everything went wrong because after everything I went through and prayed for, I was now relieved that it was twins instead of triplets. Because this sac didn't develop, I started to miscarry that baby so I was placed on bedrest for almost 3 weeks to see if the other babies would remain or if I would miscarry them all. The bleeding stopped and the rest of my pregnancy went smoothly until that dreaded day in January! At 19 weeks, I stopped working which was recommended by my OB given my history and the fact that I am a teacher which keeps me on my feet all day. On January 12th, I was 21 weeks, 4 days, I stood up from the couch and my water started leaking. My husband rushed me to the hospital as I walked into the lobby, my water broke completely. I just stopped in the lobby and started to cry. The poor young lady sitting in the lobby at the information desk grabbed a wheel chair and radioed for help because I just kept saying it is too soon...this can't be happening.

They did an ultrasound and saw that my water had broke for twin A but, that twin B still had his sac intact. Both babies were fine and I was not in labor at all, not even dialated. They sent me to a high risk hospital an hour away by ambulance, where I stayed for the duration of my pregnancy. At 23 weeks, I started contracting but they were able to stop it, give me steroid shots for the babies and antibiotics. I was on strict bedrest in the hospital no getting out of bed for any reason in order to give these babies any chance of survival. They told me that as long as I didn't get an infection from twin A not having any fluid then I could stay pregnant as long as my body would allow it. Both babies were growing and had strong heartbeats. At 24 weeks, I started contracting again, but this time they were having problems stopping the contractions. They did an exam and realized that my body was no longer able to remain pregnant because I had an infection from not having amniotic fluid. They did an emergency c-section and my sons were born into this world on January 27th shortly after 9 pm.

Twin A, Declan Matthew, did not cry but he was alive. He was 1lb. 9oz and 12 1/2 inches, he was the bigger of the two even though he had gone without amniotic fluid for almost 3 weeks. Twin B, Lucas Benjamin, let out 3 little cries...I was so never occurred to me that either one of them would cry because I knew they were going to be so small. He was 1lb. 7oz and 12 inches long. They whisked them both away before I could even really see them but at least I knew they were alive. Finally, at 2 am they let me out of the post op recovery room and wheeled me down to the NICU to see them. I was just in shock...they were so perfect, so beautiful, so small, so fragile and hooked up to so many machines but they were alive. Declan was being given antiobiotics because he was sick with the same infection that I had from not having the amniotic fluid. We sat with them for a while and talked with the nurses and doctor about what their chances were for survival. It was not good for either especially for Declan because of the amniotic situation which caused his lungs not to develop very much. Lucas seemed to be fighting and seemed to be strong.

The next morning, I was pretty sick with a fever and Kevin had gone to see the boys when he came rushing back and said we had to get down to the NICU immediately. I had not been out of bed to walk yet since my surgery so, the nurses did there best to get me up and out. I told him to go with out me and they called a priest to do the baptism for Declan. They baptized Declan before I could get there but as soon as I got there they unhooked him from his machines and he took his final breaths in my arms. So perfect just born too soon, too small! His little body couldn't fight the infection even with the medication so it started to shut down. My parents, my husband's parents and my daughter all got a chance to meet, hold and love Declan for a few short hours after he passed. It was so beautiful all while being so heart wrenching. They took Lucas for some tests to see how his brain had handled being delivered so early. We got the news that he had a grade 2 brain hemorrage, which was not horrible but wasn't great. The doctors said we had to wait and see if it would get better or if would get worse. The next day, Lucas starting having a lot of problems with his blood pressure and needed blood transfusions. The doctors informed us this was not good news and they decided to do another scan of his brain. Over night, his brain hemorrage went to a grade 4 the worst possible grade it could be at. All the blood they were giving him was going straight to his brain. The doctors told us that he was going to be brain dead and that he may survive for a few more days or weeks but that he was never going to be off the machines because too much damage had been done. We decide to take him off the machines and we held him too while he took his last breaths. Again, my parent's, my husband's parents and my daughter all got to meet, hold and love Lucas for a few short hours after he passed. We then got to hold them both together as a family.

How did I go from being pregnant, to giving birth, to holding my sons as they took their final breaths all in a matter of 3 days? The doctors don't have a reason for why my water broke...they can't give me a definate reason. There best guess is that when that first sac didn't develop and started to miscarry, they believe it didn't finish miscarrying. They "think" it probably attached part of itself to Declan's sac and over time it wore down the side of his sac until it burst. They told me there was nothing that I could have done or that they could have done to prevent it from happening. There only suggestion is too not use the fertility medications.

So this is my story so far....and I am exhausted, broken, confused, angry, sad and frustrated. Today, is the 4 month angelversary for Declan and I miss him so much. I love you, Declan! I love you too, Lucas! Please, come to me in my dreams tonight. Let me know that you are okay and not in any pain.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Should have been 4 months today...

Today, my sons, Declan and Lucas should have been 4 months old. I try to imagine all of the mile stone that they would be reaching at the 4 month mark in their lives. I know that because they were born at 24 weeks, that they probably just would have gotten out of the NICU but that would have been a mile stone or accomplishment all in itself. I try to imagine what life would be like with these two little boys to love and watch grow along side of their big sister. How they would love and interact with each other. How she would be the best big sister and teach them so many wonderful things. I think of all of these wonderful dreams but unfortunately that is all they are dreams...shattered dreams of what should have been.

We put together a swing set for Mackenzie this last weekend and it breaks my heart to watch her play on it by herself. She should be showing the boys, how to use the slide or the swings in preparation for when they were old enough to do so. I hear her laughing and calling out to us to push her more in the swing and it makes me so sad to know that I will never hear the boys call out for us to do the same. I watch the swings blowing in the wind and I think to myself is that the wind blowing the swings or is it a sign that the boys are there wanting me to look for them. I hope it is them out on the swings and not the wind...

My heart aches for them and my mind questions constantly "WHY, Why did this happen?" Yet, I have no answers...will I ever get the answer I so badly need? Even if I do get the answer, will I ever agree with why the boys were taken from me? Is there a reason that my husband and I are forced to live and suffer without them?

Tomorrow, is Declan's angel day. Another hard day for our family. On Thursday, is Lucas' angel day. Again, another hard day for our family. Three long days in a row, thinking of them and wishing they were here to hold, kiss and love. When will the heartache stop? Does it stop when my heart stops and I get to meet them again? I wish I knew, I wish I could be with them now. But, until then I ask them to visit me in my dreams because that is the closest thing I have to being near them. Maybe tonight they will visit, I hope so. Tonight, I need a sign that they are close, a sign that they know how much I miss them and love them. Tonight, I need the dream to be a reality.