Thursday, January 29, 2009
Lucas
It has been exactly one year to today's date that we last held you. How I wish my arms weren't empty. I hope that you are watching out over Declan and enjoying all your playing with Blake, Ethan, Issac, Asher, Vivian, Annemarie, Issac and all the other babies that left this world too soon. Know that we miss and love you so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think and long for you both. I love you.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Declan
It has been exactly one year since you left us, sweet little boy. We miss you just as much now as we did on that very day. I pray that you are watching over you little brother, Lucas and spending all your time with Grandma D'D'. I love you so much.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Happy Birthday
Happy First Birthday, Declan and Lucas!!!
We miss you and love you so much!
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and Mackenzie
We miss you and love you so much!
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and Mackenzie
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Gifts
Yesterday, Kevin and I purchased a variety of gifts for the NICU and Antepartum floor in honor/memory of the boys 1st birthday. These are gifts that we hope will make the time that other mothers and fathers spending long days and nights on these floors a little more comfortable. A lot of thought went in to these presents because how do you make parents more comfortable when you know they are beyond scared, exhausted and frustrated. The gifts are nothing fancy but we wanted to give items that would be serving a purpose whether that be making their stay more comfortable or providing them with items that could help them with their grief.
It was a difficult thing to do because we were forced to go back to those weeks and think of things that we could have used or that would have helped us through our stay. It is hard because you know in your heart that there really is nothing that will ease the mind of a parent when their child's life hangs in the balance of life or death. But at the same time, for our own sanity we had to talk, even laugh, watch TV, read books, play games to pass all the time that went by over those 3 weeks in the hospital. So, we do know the importance of trying to create a distraction even if it is for short periods of time, just to give your mind, emotions and relationships a rest. When you are in the hospital lying their helpless because your body is failing your child, all you can do is wait and see. That is all the doctors and nurses can tell you, wait and see and hope for the best. They remind you that lying there is the best thing you can do to help your unborn child but for the mother and father, lying there only forces them to question and wonder about all the bad that is going to happen to their child. Minutes feel like days and days feel like weeks so, we remember vividly wish for the time to fly by quickly because everyday we remained pregnant was one more day closer to saving them. We know we can't ease what these parents are going through but maybe we can make time seem like it is moving forward in a positive direction. For those parents, whom lose their children, maybe we can help provide them with items that can help preserve those memories of their children and the short time they had with them.
We go to the hospital on Tuesday and I am extrememly worried about making it thru the doors with out breaking in to tears or being paralyzed with fear. To go back to the place where our world was shattered seems like an unbelievable task. Yet, we will go to honor our sons and to thank the people whom provided us with those precious days that we had with Declan and Lucas. Without this hospital or staff, we would have never had the opprotunity to meet our sons alive and provide them with a chance for life. We are eternally grateful to those whom cared for us during the remainder of our pregnancy, while the boys were in the NICU and even after their death. So on Tuesday, we will celebrate their birthday. Not the way we had hoped or dreamed but instead with heavy hearts and a purpose.
It was a difficult thing to do because we were forced to go back to those weeks and think of things that we could have used or that would have helped us through our stay. It is hard because you know in your heart that there really is nothing that will ease the mind of a parent when their child's life hangs in the balance of life or death. But at the same time, for our own sanity we had to talk, even laugh, watch TV, read books, play games to pass all the time that went by over those 3 weeks in the hospital. So, we do know the importance of trying to create a distraction even if it is for short periods of time, just to give your mind, emotions and relationships a rest. When you are in the hospital lying their helpless because your body is failing your child, all you can do is wait and see. That is all the doctors and nurses can tell you, wait and see and hope for the best. They remind you that lying there is the best thing you can do to help your unborn child but for the mother and father, lying there only forces them to question and wonder about all the bad that is going to happen to their child. Minutes feel like days and days feel like weeks so, we remember vividly wish for the time to fly by quickly because everyday we remained pregnant was one more day closer to saving them. We know we can't ease what these parents are going through but maybe we can make time seem like it is moving forward in a positive direction. For those parents, whom lose their children, maybe we can help provide them with items that can help preserve those memories of their children and the short time they had with them.
We go to the hospital on Tuesday and I am extrememly worried about making it thru the doors with out breaking in to tears or being paralyzed with fear. To go back to the place where our world was shattered seems like an unbelievable task. Yet, we will go to honor our sons and to thank the people whom provided us with those precious days that we had with Declan and Lucas. Without this hospital or staff, we would have never had the opprotunity to meet our sons alive and provide them with a chance for life. We are eternally grateful to those whom cared for us during the remainder of our pregnancy, while the boys were in the NICU and even after their death. So on Tuesday, we will celebrate their birthday. Not the way we had hoped or dreamed but instead with heavy hearts and a purpose.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
News
I often wonder about the timing of events in my life. I have found that throughout this year when I am having an especially difficult day, usually due to specific date or anniversary, something happens to me to make me wonder.......was that Declan and Lucas trying to make the pain more manageable for me. January 12th was a difficult day because all I thought about all day was how different things would have been if the events of that day had never taken place. I tried to keep myself busy, but it is amazing how hearing one specific number, such as the 12th, can keep popping up over the course of the day. Especially, when all you want to do is forget that day ever happened.
When I got home, I realized that I had a voicemail message and it was from a woman at the March of Dimes. Now this is a where things get tricky because this is a double edged sword. Had the boys lived, we would not be such active participants in the March of Dimes but because they died this is a cause very near and dear to our hearts. Anyway, the gist of voicemail was that they would like me to chair a committee to help other family teams gather more support and donations. They would also like for me to help come up with ideas to make their walks even more family orientated. Why me? Well, our family team raised the most amount of money for the southern part of the state and they want to know how we did it. It was such an easy answer, we have family and friends whom love us and want to support us throughout this tragedy. Plus, I wanted my sons story to be known and to have a purpose besides just sadness and grief. I want the love that we have for them and all that they have taught us to be put to good use. Which means, raising money to hopefully help others to not have to experience the tragedy that we endured and are still enduring.
So, back to the timing aspect...Why on this specific day did I receive this phone call? Why not the next day or the week before? Was it to remind me of our loss? I doubt it because I am reminded of that everyday. I believe it was a sign from them to show me that their life and our love for them is serving a purpose. Does that purpose take the pain away or make their loss any less? No, but it does make the pain more manageable because it put a smile on my face to know that we did something good in their name and they can be proud of us for that. So in a few weeks, I begin helping on an even greater scale than I ever imagined and I am happy to be helping. I know it will be hard because it is bittersweet but I know in my heart it is what they want me to do. Otherwise, why else would I have received that phone call on that specific day?
When I got home, I realized that I had a voicemail message and it was from a woman at the March of Dimes. Now this is a where things get tricky because this is a double edged sword. Had the boys lived, we would not be such active participants in the March of Dimes but because they died this is a cause very near and dear to our hearts. Anyway, the gist of voicemail was that they would like me to chair a committee to help other family teams gather more support and donations. They would also like for me to help come up with ideas to make their walks even more family orientated. Why me? Well, our family team raised the most amount of money for the southern part of the state and they want to know how we did it. It was such an easy answer, we have family and friends whom love us and want to support us throughout this tragedy. Plus, I wanted my sons story to be known and to have a purpose besides just sadness and grief. I want the love that we have for them and all that they have taught us to be put to good use. Which means, raising money to hopefully help others to not have to experience the tragedy that we endured and are still enduring.
So, back to the timing aspect...Why on this specific day did I receive this phone call? Why not the next day or the week before? Was it to remind me of our loss? I doubt it because I am reminded of that everyday. I believe it was a sign from them to show me that their life and our love for them is serving a purpose. Does that purpose take the pain away or make their loss any less? No, but it does make the pain more manageable because it put a smile on my face to know that we did something good in their name and they can be proud of us for that. So in a few weeks, I begin helping on an even greater scale than I ever imagined and I am happy to be helping. I know it will be hard because it is bittersweet but I know in my heart it is what they want me to do. Otherwise, why else would I have received that phone call on that specific day?
Monday, January 12, 2009
A year ago today...
One year ago today, life for us changed forever. In one instance, we knew that life as we knew it would never be the same but what we didn't realize was that we also would never be the same. I can remember everything about the evening, even the clothes I was wearing because I knew I would never ever wear them again. I have re-lived that night over and over in my head wondering if there was anyway that I could have prevented it or atleast postponed it? I replay it wondering how I could have change that night so that we could have had the outcome we had hoped and prayed for but like a bad dream there is nothing that I can do to change that night. All I can do is replay it over and over again.
One year later and I have thought all day about that night. At times wondering did this really happen...no this couldn't have really happened...it must all just be a bad dream...but sadly it is not.
One year later and I can't believe that a whole year has gone by. I never thought my life would be this way...I never thought I would be this way...I never thought I would be part of the "grieving parent club" but I am.
I never really understood what they meant your life can change in an instance but now I do.
One year later and I have thought all day about that night. At times wondering did this really happen...no this couldn't have really happened...it must all just be a bad dream...but sadly it is not.
One year later and I can't believe that a whole year has gone by. I never thought my life would be this way...I never thought I would be this way...I never thought I would be part of the "grieving parent club" but I am.
I never really understood what they meant your life can change in an instance but now I do.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
January 12th
One year from tomorrow, everything in our world came to an earth shattering halt....
Fear took over and then a few short weeks later sorrow, anger and grief joined that fear. We have been battling them for 12 long months....
12 months since I stood up and my water broke...
This one instantance change not only our lives, our family but us as people. This one specific event forever changed whom we are, forever...there is no going back.
Fear took over and then a few short weeks later sorrow, anger and grief joined that fear. We have been battling them for 12 long months....
12 months since I stood up and my water broke...
This one instantance change not only our lives, our family but us as people. This one specific event forever changed whom we are, forever...there is no going back.
Monday, January 5, 2009
2008...never forgotten...
To accept that your children are dying is simply unbelievable. To realize that there is nothing more that can be done for them is unimaginable. To let them go is the unthinkable and yet, that was what was asked of us this last year (2008).
As 2008, came to a close, I initially thought I would be relieved but instead I felt sadness. 2008 was the year that I gave birth to and held Declan and Lucas alive. It was my last connection to them and it was painful to have to let go of that connection too.
I have been asked by a few people if I am glad that 2008 is over and behind us? Oc course, I am looking forward to the possibilities that are ahead of us in 2009. But, do I wish to put 2008 behind me like it never existed...No. 2008 was full of pain and heart ache but would I trade all that sorrow and wish it all away...Never! Our live definitely did not turn out how we had planned them but I still received 1 and 2 days with my sons. I would never trade those days just so that I could be void of this grief and pain. Do I wish it differently...of course, but I would never wish it away.
I hope and even dream that 2009 brings us joy, happiness and an unexpected blessing. I pray that if we are blessed with another child that this child will be healthy and allowed to come home with us. 2008 has taught me that I can only do so much. I can eat healthy, go to the doctor, exercise, take it easy, even stay on bed rest but, inevitably my life and the life of my family is in God's hands. Having faith that we will be blessed with good things is what I need to focus on. Not dwelling on the fears that will attack me, especially with regards to another pregnancy, is a battle that I am willing to fight. The love, want and need for another child definitely out weighs all my fears of never having or even losing another one. I am not ready to concede to those fears nor give up my dreams of a larger family. Yes, the fears are ever so present but my love for more children is so much stronger. I know it will be a battle, for none of my pregnancies have ever been easy, but the outcome of another healthy child is more than worth the fight.
My quote for the New Year:
~ Dance as though no one is watching you,
Love as though you have never been hurt before,
Sing as if no one can hear you,
Live as though heaven is on earth.
-Souza
I know that my grief will still be visible during this next year and for years to come. The boys will always be a part of our lives, of our memories, and of our family....they will never be forgotten...Never.
As 2008, came to a close, I initially thought I would be relieved but instead I felt sadness. 2008 was the year that I gave birth to and held Declan and Lucas alive. It was my last connection to them and it was painful to have to let go of that connection too.
I have been asked by a few people if I am glad that 2008 is over and behind us? Oc course, I am looking forward to the possibilities that are ahead of us in 2009. But, do I wish to put 2008 behind me like it never existed...No. 2008 was full of pain and heart ache but would I trade all that sorrow and wish it all away...Never! Our live definitely did not turn out how we had planned them but I still received 1 and 2 days with my sons. I would never trade those days just so that I could be void of this grief and pain. Do I wish it differently...of course, but I would never wish it away.
I hope and even dream that 2009 brings us joy, happiness and an unexpected blessing. I pray that if we are blessed with another child that this child will be healthy and allowed to come home with us. 2008 has taught me that I can only do so much. I can eat healthy, go to the doctor, exercise, take it easy, even stay on bed rest but, inevitably my life and the life of my family is in God's hands. Having faith that we will be blessed with good things is what I need to focus on. Not dwelling on the fears that will attack me, especially with regards to another pregnancy, is a battle that I am willing to fight. The love, want and need for another child definitely out weighs all my fears of never having or even losing another one. I am not ready to concede to those fears nor give up my dreams of a larger family. Yes, the fears are ever so present but my love for more children is so much stronger. I know it will be a battle, for none of my pregnancies have ever been easy, but the outcome of another healthy child is more than worth the fight.
My quote for the New Year:
~ Dance as though no one is watching you,
Love as though you have never been hurt before,
Sing as if no one can hear you,
Live as though heaven is on earth.
-Souza
I know that my grief will still be visible during this next year and for years to come. The boys will always be a part of our lives, of our memories, and of our family....they will never be forgotten...Never.
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