Thursday, February 12, 2009
A big fat negative!!! Why can't it be simple, I pee on a stick and it be positive? I am so frustrated, I hate my stupid body and that it can't do anything right. I hate that stupid insurance companies won't pay for treatment and that it costs an arm and a leg to get treatment. I am just angry right now that we just can't seem to catch a break. I feel like we deserve one, just something to re-new our faith and give us hope for the future.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
One year ago today, I remember waking up and thinking this can't be real. My face was already wet from crying because that was all I had done for a week now. I struggled to get out of bed mentally, emotionally and physically. As the morning progress, I know that I got ready but I don't remember getting ready. I know I borrowed black pants from my sister's roommate because my maternity pants were to big and my regular pants were too small. I know my sister went and bought we a new black shirt to wear because my breasts were so engorged from my milk coming in that I needed something bigger to wear. I do remember having to be wrapped so tightly and how much it hurt because I couldn't relieve the pressure since I had no babies to feed. Having your milk come in seems like some cruel joke since all it is, is a painfully physical reminder of not being able to feed your new baby. I don't remember putting on make-up, maybe I didn't? I don't remember the car ride? I don't remember any conversation in the car? But, the minute we entered the parking lot of the funeral home, I know have vivid images. My uncle directing us where to park our car. Him helping me out of my car and giving me a big hug. Walking in to the funeral home and being directed to where to hang our coats. Then being led to where the boys were in their casket and seeing them for the "first" time. I remember my uncle taking them out of the casket and allowing us to hold them again. Feeling how cold they were as I stroked their faces and kissed their heads. Helping us to put on the little bracelets we bought to use as necklaces so we could bury them with tiny gold crosses, one mine the other my sisters. I remember helping to rearrange the items in the casket so we could add their blankets and stuffed animals. I remember when people started to come and instant tears that were produced the minute they saw us and the boys. I remember sobbing so hard when I saw our friends from Minnesota because I was grateful that they had driven so far for such a hard day. I remember hugging my uncle Duke because he is like a second father to me and just the two of us sobbing. I remember being so sore from my c-section and it hurting so much when people hugged me but not caring because I liked being able to feel something even if it was painful instead of feeling numb. I remember when the deacon started our small mass but I have no idea what was said because I was just staring at my sons in their casket. I remember watching everyone take turns walking up to the casket paying their respects to the boys after the mass ended. I remember watching my grandma and my aunt both kisses the boys good-bye. I remember everyone leaving the room so that we could be alone with them again and hold them one last time. I remember holding them with Kevin and crying so hard again. I remember having to give them back so that the casket could be sealed. I remember having to go to our car and wait to be led to the cemetery. I remember being shocked when they opened my car door and placed their casket on my lap for me to carry to the cemetery so that we would have a little bit more time with them. I remember driving to the cemetery and always being so amazed at how people actually stop for a funeral procession. I remember arriving at the cemetery and seeing the tent set up for us to sit under while they laid the boys to rest and said final prayers. I remember us all huddled together because it was so cold and there wasn't much room. I remember sitting there thinking this isn't real, this isn't real as the tears rolled down my face. I remember them asking Kevin if he wanted to place the boys casket in to the ground. I remember him holding the casket and lowering it in to the ground. I remember that some strange cry or moan came out of my body as I watched my husband so lovingly and gently place their casket in to the ground. I remember being helped out of my chair and back to my car so we could go to a small luncheon. After that I don't remember much about the rest of the day. Today, I played those final hours/minutes with my sons over and over again in my head. How vividly they came today. What they were wearing, the way they were laying, and how they felt. All day, I just kept thinking I can't believe what I did one year ago and how trivial everything I am doing today seems. Today, I asked God to comfort me as the tears ran down my face this morning. It honestly seems like only yesterday this all happened and hard to believe it has been a year...
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Your 1st birthday was definitely not spent the way I had envisioned it. In my dreams, we had friends and family at our home watching the both of you dig in to large pieces of birthday cake. So messy that you needed to go straight from your high chair to the bath, clothes and all.
Instead, we went to the hospital where we last held you. We delivered gifts to the Antepartum and NICU in your honor/memory. We saw so many of the nurses whom took such good care of us. It was hard to believe that they actually remembered us but they did. They were so gracious for the presents they received for their new patients and couldn't believe that an entire year had past since we had last been their patients. We received so many hugs, thanks and words of encouragement. It was a wonderful tribute to the both of you.
From there we went to the cemetery for a short visit. We met all four of your grandparents and sang Happy Birthday as we left presents on your grave. We all had written letters to you and decided to tie them to balloons. On the count of 3, we let all of them go at once and watched them float up above us in to the clouds. I didn't think it would actually work because it was only about 10 degrees that day and Helium doesn't react well with cold air. But, it did and it was so incredible and beautiful. All of the balloons, grouped together on their own and continued straight up above us the entire way until they disappeared in to the clouds. It was like you were pulling them straight up to you so you could enjoy their fun and read our letters.
After leaving the cemetery, all of us went out for dinner. We had a really nice meal and conversation. It was nice to all be together for your special day. After dinner, we lit a candle on your birthday cake and had Mackenzie blow it out. Having cake was a nice way to end our day. We really did focus on making the day a celebration of your lives instead of a day of mourning. It was really difficult and the tears did come but overall, it was a wonderful tribute to you both.
The days following your birthday, your daddy and I spent a lot of time talking about those days in the hospital and all that we have endured since. We are in awe of how many of our friends and family have been touched by your short lives here on earth. How many of them you truly impacted and wanted us to know that you were remembered by them all. We received so many emails, phone calls, cards and even a few gifts in honor of your big day. You are loved and missed by so many.
It is hard to believe that a year has gone by and we have survived. At times, I didn't believe that we would or that it was even possible and yet, we are still here. The pain is still there but it isn't as raw as it originally once felt but, I still miss and long for you every single day. I try to imagine you a year older but I can't because you will always be my newborn babies. I love you so much. All my hugs and kisses...mommy.