Tomorrow, I will be 31 weeks pregnant and am so grateful for this time that I have had with my children growing inside of me. Since, I reached the 28 week mark, I have had a few people ask me when I felt like I would be ready to take out the baby stuff. My thought was the day I brought them home from the hospital but I know that it needs to be sooner than that. It is hard to imagine being so afraid of things like baby clothes, bottles and nursery items, but it is so hard to have them in front of you and actually open the lids to touch them. To all of us whom have lost children, one of the most difficult things is to come home and see constant reminders of what should have been. To have to pack up the things they never got wear or use. I was so grateful that my mom and MIL were able to put the majority of stuff away for me but I still had some items to take care of myself. I remember wanting my house to be back to the way it was before we had rearranged it to make room for two more children. I put every little thing back to where it "belong" "before" everything happened as if it would help to ease the pain, it didn't but at that point of insanity it made sense to me.
Today is our 6th wedding anniversary and I have been thinking all day about how much we have endured the last few years. I know that without my husband being the type of man that he is that I would never have survived these last years. Because of our tragedy, we are stronger both as individuals and as a couple because we force ourselves to be. We didn't give up as much as we both wanted to but we have endured and although the pain is still there, we have learned how to acknowledge the pain and use it to do better in our lives. We miss the boys everyday and not a day goes by that we don't think of them and what they would be like if they were here with us today.
So today, I am looking for the strength to open up these bins of clothes. To remember, the last time they were opened and find the strength to have faith that this time will be different. To believe that these babies will get to use these clothes and come home with us. To remember, Declan and Lucas and the short amount of treasured time we had with them instead of dwelling on the horrible grief. To allow myself some excitement over baby stuff instead of the excruciating fear and guilt. So, here I go...I will touch and smell their clothes. I will cry and smile at the same time. But most importantly I will love Declan and Lucas just as much as I love their older sister and these two little peanuts growing inside of me.