Wednesday, March 16, 2011

3 year Birthday thoughts....

It has taken me a long time to write this post. I have started, stopped, deleted and now I guess I just want to put it out there. Three years seems unbelievable to me since I last met and held my sons. At three years, they would be my "little guys" not babies which is how I will always envision them. Over the course of the last three years, I would say that my journey has been slowly evolving. It started by not even getting out of bed to now being heavily involved in trying to help others whom have or are currently on the same road of grief that I myself am on. It is a long road and unfortunately one that will never end, but will be constantly evolving.

When dealing with death and grief, at some point it becomes part of your everyday routine. Unfortunately, everyday there are reminders that life is moving forward without them and there is nothing that I can do but move forward just as life intended. Most days it is something I do and I attempt to not let it weigh on my thought but on other days it weighs on me heavily. I find myself to be distracted, withdrawn, bitter and jealous of others because I question why everything continues to move forward without them. I look at other families with 5 children and wonder what that most be like to have all 5 children living amongst you. I find myself feeling angry that others have "forgotten" about them and wonder how that can be. Questioning why their short lives didn't impact the lives of everyone around us the way it has impact myself and my husband. I think back to when we were on our way to their funeral and my husband explained to me how he just couldn't understand why children were still going to school on the day we were going to bury our children. Why hadn't the world stopped or come to end... because our world was definitely coming to an end on that day. But realization strikes when you see that life is going on right before your eyes even on your darkest days and that realization is horrible and unfathomable. Yet three years later, even after having two more healthy children, I still have these thoughts and these exhausting days. However, three years later, I also know that I am trying to do so much to honor their memory and show that unconditional love for them.

A doctor that I use to speak with after they died, told me that she had a patient that lost a son over 40 years ago and on certain or specific days throughout the year, her grief comes flooding back as if it were that day happening all over again. I know the answer to why this happens... because once you are a mother, you are always a mother and losing a child is something you will never truly overcome no matter how short that child's life nor how long the years since they have passed. So, while it has been three years since they forever left me, we choose to celebrate the time that they were here with us. For their 3rd birthday, we enjoyed dinner together as a family, birthday songs, birthday cake, presents and a balloon release. Once again this year we went to visit with the nurses that cared for us during our time with Declan and Lucas. It is wonderful to see how appreciative they are of the gifts and donations that we provide to them in the boys name. It is a tradition that will last for years and years to come...

Here are some pictures from their 3rd birthday...












I love and miss you both so very much... XOXO... Mommy

Monday, January 24, 2011

New Blog....

Well, I have been contemplating this for a long time and I am still up in the air as to whether or not I should continue this blog or not. I don't post on it very often but I feel so torn about whether I should be done with it completely. Part of me feels that if I get rid of this blog, it is some sort of betrayal to my sons like they are as important any more, which of course isn't the case. I just don't have as much to say "publicly" anymore, I still do write privately in my journal. Sometimes, I wonder if I should start a "new" blog, where I can write about everything, not feel restricted to keep it only about the boys and my grief. Anyway, I know there really isn't a right or a wrong answer it is just the one that sits best with me...

Hard to believe it will be 3 years since you were born on Thursday... Some days it seems like years ago and others it seems like it couldn't possibly be 3 years... In that amount of time, I have changed so much, some for the good (I hope) and some for the bad (unfortunately). I yearn for a time when it seemed simple and I was naive but that is not how life works and so we learn from the life that is offered to us. Your life was a mere 1 and 2 days but those days taught me more about life, love and faith then my entire life prior to those days. For you I am grateful, from you I have learned about true unconditional love and because of you I am ME...