Our Boys...

3 year Birthday thoughts....

2011-03-16T19:01:00.001-07:00

It has taken me a long time to write this post. I have started, stopped, deleted and now I guess I just want to put it out there. Three years seems unbelievable to me since I last met and held my sons. At three years, they would be my "little guys" not babies which is how I will always envision them. Over the course of the last three years, I would say that my journey has been slowly evolving. It started by not even getting out of bed to now being heavily involved in trying to help others whom have or are currently on the same road of grief that I myself am on. It is a long road and unfortunately one that will never end, but will be constantly evolving.

When dealing with death and grief, at some point it becomes part of your everyday routine. Unfortunately, everyday there are reminders that life is moving forward without them and there is nothing that I can do but move forward just as life intended. Most days it is something I do and I attempt to not let it weigh on my thought but on other days it weighs on me heavily. I find myself to be distracted, withdrawn, bitter and jealous of others because I question why everything continues to move forward without them. I look at other families with 5 children and wonder what that most be like to have all 5 children living amongst you. I find myself feeling angry that others have "forgotten" about them and wonder how that can be. Questioning why their short lives didn't impact the lives of everyone around us the way it has impact myself and my husband. I think back to when we were on our way to their funeral and my husband explained to me how he just couldn't understand why children were still going to school on the day we were going to bury our children. Why hadn't the world stopped or come to end... because our world was definitely coming to an end on that day. But realization strikes when you see that life is going on right before your eyes even on your darkest days and that realization is horrible and unfathomable. Yet three years later, even after having two more healthy children, I still have these thoughts and these exhausting days. However, three years later, I also know that I am trying to do so much to honor their memory and show that unconditional love for them.

A doctor that I use to speak with after they died, told me that she had a patient that lost a son over 40 years ago and on certain or specific days throughout the year, her grief comes flooding back as if it were that day happening all over again. I know the answer to why this happens... because once you are a mother, you are always a mother and losing a child is something you will never truly overcome no matter how short that child's life nor how long the years since they have passed. So, while it has been three years since they forever left me, we choose to celebrate the time that they were here with us. For their 3rd birthday, we enjoyed dinner together as a family, birthday songs, birthday cake, presents and a balloon release. Once again this year we went to visit with the nurses that cared for us during our time with Declan and Lucas. It is wonderful to see how appreciative they are of the gifts and donations that we provide to them in the boys name. It is a tradition that will last for years and years to come...

Here are some pictures from their 3rd birthday...

I love and miss you both so very much... XOXO... Mommy

New Blog....

2011-01-24T17:59:00.000-08:00

Well, I have been contemplating this for a long time and I am still up in the air as to whether or not I should continue this blog or not. I don't post on it very often but I feel so torn about whether I should be done with it completely. Part of me feels that if I get rid of this blog, it is some sort of betrayal to my sons like they are as important any more, which of course isn't the case. I just don't have as much to say "publicly" anymore, I still do write privately in my journal. Sometimes, I wonder if I should start a "new" blog, where I can write about everything, not feel restricted to keep it only about the boys and my grief. Anyway, I know there really isn't a right or a wrong answer it is just the one that sits best with me...

Hard to believe it will be 3 years since you were born on Thursday... Some days it seems like years ago and others it seems like it couldn't possibly be 3 years... In that amount of time, I have changed so much, some for the good (I hope) and some for the bad (unfortunately). I yearn for a time when it seemed simple and I was naive but that is not how life works and so we learn from the life that is offered to us. Your life was a mere 1 and 2 days but those days taught me more about life, love and faith then my entire life prior to those days. For you I am grateful, from you I have learned about true unconditional love and because of you I am ME...

Pictures and cards are worth a thousand words...

2010-11-26T17:56:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe that the holiday season is upon us again and time for me to make Christmas cards and Calendars. Since having children, year after year, we have made it a tradition like so many other families to send out picture Christmas cards for the holidays. Every year, we use Shutterfly and I am always so pleased with how they turn out. Last year, I think I made my favorite and it was the most beautiful card to date. We were able to find an amazing layout that allowed for us to have pictures of Caiden, Izzy and Mackenzie all posed together but most importantly, I was able to include a picture of Declan and Lucas' names written in the sand. We had so many phone calls and about how beautiful the card turned out and I couldn't agree more. Just like last year, I intend to find a way to include the boys in our cards and will continue to do so year after year. It is important for them to always be remembered and included as important members of our family every year. I know how hard it is for so many of us angel mom's out there and the holiday's can make our grief all that much more consuming. I know for me it is an even larger reminder that there are 2 children missing out on opening presents Christmas morning or 2 car seats less in the car as we drive around looking at Christmas lights. So, for me including them in the family Christmas card seems like a small or trivial event but in my mind is the one most important piece of mail that I send out each and every year. So, for all of you angel moms or any moms or dads out there, share your family with those you love. Send pictures and messages of love because unfortunately sometimes memories or pictures are all we have left of the ones we love.

Here are a few links that might help you get started:
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-photo-cards
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/birthday-invitations
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery

Happy creating!

Compassionate Friends

2010-09-03T17:44:00.000-07:00

The link below has an amazing article and interview attached to about grieving parents and the Compassionate Friends organization. When reading the article linked to this interview, so many quotes with in the article truly hit home with me. I am so glad to have taken the time to have read it because it reminded me that everyone who is important to me is going to remember and feel comfortable talking about the boys. Yes, there are people who don't get it and won't understand it but that doesn't mean that I have to change the way I talk about my sons. I can talk about them and if other are uncomfortable oh well. A little bit of discomfort for them is better than have to endure what I deal with in terms of grief everyday. If you have the time, click on the link and listen to the interview and read the attached article. Both are insightful, helpful and well done.

All Things Considered : NPR

www.npr.org

A long time since posting and Prayers for Ella...

2010-09-01T17:54:00.000-07:00

I feel awful for not writing more but, after so much time with my grief, I am often at a loss for what to say. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to feel like I shouldn't have the "right" to grieve any more because I am so grateful for all the good that has come in to my life but it doesn't cancel out the bad. It does make the bad more manageable and it does help me to appreciate life in a different way. I have changed so much since the boys died but that doesn't mean that I don't think about them or miss them every single day. I have just learned to control that grief and at times when I am lucky to turn it in to positive work that the boys would be proud of. I often tell other moms or those whom will listen, "I can't be a "parent" to my sons in the traditional sense but I can still be a "parent" to them by doing things in their name and memory." For me, this has become a passion that I am proud of and will hope to continue throughout my life in one form or another. Right now it is all the work I do with the March of Dimes but I am realistic that as time creeps up on me, all that I do in their name may change. Right now, that doesn't sit well with me, but at the same time, I am realistic about how quickly life changes.

On a different note, a very special little girl, Ella, needs our prayers. She has recently been diagnosed with ALL Luekemia and is undergoing Chemo. Her parents are being rocked by this horrible disease as they have to watch their 4 year-old child endure things that no parent ever hopes to have to witness. They are amazing people and Ella is showing such amazing strength for such a young child. Please send them your thoughts and prayers for the Chemo to work and for Ella to go into remission.

Moment of Silence....

2010-07-01T19:09:00.001-07:00

Another child, who left his family too soon. Our prayers for them...

Missing You!

2010-04-01T20:22:00.000-07:00

Missing you both tonight... Wondering what it would be like to see 5 children running around our house...

Happy 2nd Birthday

2010-01-27T18:26:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday, Declan and Lucas! We love and miss you so very much....

All my love,
xoxo
Mommy

With So Much Love...

2010-01-26T21:33:00.001-08:00

We thought of you with love today
but that is nothing new

We thought about you yesterday
and the days before that, too

We think of you in silence
we often speak your name

All we have are memories,
and your picture in a frame

Your memory is our keepsake
with which we'll never part

God has you in His keeping,
we have you in our hearts.

Happy Birthday Declan and Lucas

Love, G'Ma and Poppa

A whirl wind...

2010-01-02T21:42:00.000-08:00

Life has changed dramatically since I last posted. I delivered 2 healthy babies on September 30th at only 32 weeks. Their delivery was a whirl wind and we were so worried about them being delivered at only 32 weeks. Caiden was born first and weighed 4lbs 8oz and is Isabelle came second weighing 4lbs 5 oz. They spent 22 days in the NICU but are home healthy and thriving. Going back to the place were Declan and Lucas died was pretty awful. The staff was amazing as they knew our story and the loss we had suffered the year before. I didn't get to see Caiden and Isabelle for 24 hours after my c-section as I had to stay on the magnesium due to the severe eclampsia I had developed. Kevin had to brave the NICU all himself and I came to find out many weeks later that they had placed Isabelle and Caiden in the exact same room and exact place in that room where Declan and Lucas had died. When I found this out, I want to vomit, knowing that Kevin had to endure such heartache, fear and shock all on his own. Being the amazing man that he is he calmly told the doctors that he was so grateful for their care for Isabelle and Caiden but that he needed to have them moved before I was able to see them. He did not want me coming in to the NICU to see our two premature babies in the same exact place where we had already lost two children. The staff was so apologetic and moved them immediately. He explained that there was no need for apologies as it was no ones fault but that he would just really be appreciative if we didn't have to be in that exact spot as it was hard enough being in the NICU given the circumstances and our history. Kevin really is an amazing person, I can't say that enough about him. We endured those 22 days and while our first experience in the NICU was always very present in our minds, we truly did focus on how well Caiden and Isabelle were doing. We spent time their everyday and did our best to bond with them while traveling the hour back and forth from our home. It was a long 22 days and I am amazed at the fact that some parents have do it for much much longer.

A few weeks after the babies came home, we had a scare with Caiden as he failed his Cystic Fibrosis test on the initial newborn screening. After 2 repeat sweat tests, that didn't work, we were told to do a different genetic test and had to wait an agonizing 5 weeks. The amazing news is that it was a false positive so while he is a carrier for CF, he doesn't actually have the disease. It was amazing news to hear only a few days prior to Christmas.

Christmas was very anticipated this year at our house by all of us. It was as I imagine it will be for the rest of our lives, a time to celebrate but at the same time we also feel the loss that Declan and Lucas are missing. While, Caiden and Isabelle made this Christmas exciting and fun, they did not take away that pain or replace the fact the Declan and Lucas were gone. We went to the cemetery on Christmas Day to lay our presents for the boys out under their tree. It was a time for Kevin and I to spend some time alone and talk about how much we missed them and how much life has changed in the last almost 2 years. We talked, cried and tried to remember the moments we spent with them only to realize that so much of that time was truly a blur. We could help each other fill in some of the missing moments but a lot of it is hard to remember... I guess that is what happens when you are in shock?

To say that life is the same is just not true. Life has changed for us dramatically and honestly life is good and we are happy. However, we both have our moments of overwhelming grief over the loss of Declan and Lucas. Yet, we both have come to realize that for our own sake and the sake of our family, we had to figure out a way to be happy again. Caiden and Isabelle did not replace Declan and Lucas. The boys can never be replaced, they will forever be our two middle children and they will forever be missed. But Caiden and Isabelle have given us hope and faith that for a long time we had questioned and/or lost. I have realized that for the rest of my life, I will always wonder "why" but I will never know the answer and I have to be as okay as I can be with that question. As the boys second birthday approaches, I find myself becoming more and more exhausted. I can feel that weight of their death pushing down on me and I do wonder if I will feel this weight every year for the rest of my life or if in time will that weight lessen? Grief is an odd thing as it doesn't fit a specific time line or have any rules. It comes and "goes" as it pleases and it always knows how to knock you down to the ground. I have learned that it is okay be knocked down, as long as I always remember that I also know that I have the strength to get back up.

Baby clothes....

2009-09-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, I will be 31 weeks pregnant and am so grateful for this time that I have had with my children growing inside of me. Since, I reached the 28 week mark, I have had a few people ask me when I felt like I would be ready to take out the baby stuff. My thought was the day I brought them home from the hospital but I know that it needs to be sooner than that. It is hard to imagine being so afraid of things like baby clothes, bottles and nursery items, but it is so hard to have them in front of you and actually open the lids to touch them. To all of us whom have lost children, one of the most difficult things is to come home and see constant reminders of what should have been. To have to pack up the things they never got wear or use. I was so grateful that my mom and MIL were able to put the majority of stuff away for me but I still had some items to take care of myself. I remember wanting my house to be back to the way it was before we had rearranged it to make room for two more children. I put every little thing back to where it "belong" "before" everything happened as if it would help to ease the pain, it didn't but at that point of insanity it made sense to me.

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary and I have been thinking all day about how much we have endured the last few years. I know that without my husband being the type of man that he is that I would never have survived these last years. Because of our tragedy, we are stronger both as individuals and as a couple because we force ourselves to be. We didn't give up as much as we both wanted to but we have endured and although the pain is still there, we have learned how to acknowledge the pain and use it to do better in our lives. We miss the boys everyday and not a day goes by that we don't think of them and what they would be like if they were here with us today.

So today, I am looking for the strength to open up these bins of clothes. To remember, the last time they were opened and find the strength to have faith that this time will be different. To believe that these babies will get to use these clothes and come home with us. To remember, Declan and Lucas and the short amount of treasured time we had with them instead of dwelling on the horrible grief. To allow myself some excitement over baby stuff instead of the excruciating fear and guilt. So, here I go...I will touch and smell their clothes. I will cry and smile at the same time. But most importantly I will love Declan and Lucas just as much as I love their older sister and these two little peanuts growing inside of me.

Struggling

2009-07-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

I feel as if I am treading water and just trying to keep my head a float. This week we are 23 weeks pregnant and I am constantly going back to this same week with Declan and Lucas. This week was the week when everything went from being "stable" to out of control. As I count the 6 days down to 24 weeks, I am reminded that the boys were born at 23 weeks and 5 days. I know that 24 weeks is considered viability but it is still way to soon and the chance of survival, as we know all to well, are very slim. I have been counting the days to 28 weeks and we are only 34 days away. This seems like a realistic and do able amount of time but at the same time I am very aware of just how long it really is. Things can go from good to bad in literally a heartbeat.

I lay here tonight scared and frustrated at the "unknown". I am trying to put my unwavering faith in God but, I am only human and the fear can be consuming. I am only 4 and half weeks in to bed rest and I am exhausted. I often lie around thinking about Declan and Lucas and all that we have been through. I talk to them constantly, asking them to watch over Mackenzie and of course their little brother and sister growing inside of me. Praying to them, to help protect their sibblings and asking them to speak to God on our behalf. It is hard to not feel guilty about asking them to watch over their siblings, I don't want them to feel forgot or that these babies are their replacement. Declan and Lucas will always be our 2nd and 3rd children and these babies will be our 4th and 5th no matter what. All my children, hold a special place in my heart whether they are here with myself and Kevin or up in heaven.

Tonight, I just am so tired and emotional. I missed the boys so very much and wish they were here. I have become so in love and attached to the two growing inside of me that I am in anguish over the horrible thought of losing them too. The reality is that no one can tell me why my pregnancy failed with the boys and no one can guarantee me that we will bring home from the hospital two children. So, I sit here and wait, pray, and cry over the unknown. We are so close to having two healthy children but at the same time, we know just how far away we still are from having two alive children.

Prayer Request

2009-07-18T13:51:00.001-07:00

****UPDATE - I just wanted to let everyone know that Devon is still in the hospital but both her and the baby are hanging in there. She is now 22 weeks and is hoping for a minimum of another 2 weeks. The doctors continue to monitor and change the dose on her Magnesium levels as she needs them. Thank you for your continued positive thoughts and prayers. ****

I am asking for prayers from all of you that read my blog. My dear friend Devon, whom lost her twin boys at only 23 weeks about 16 months ago, is in the hospital fighting to hold on to the baby girl growing inside of her. She is currently just 21 weeks pregnant and is having complications with this pregnancy. She is in the hospital on Magnesium to help with the issues that she is experiencing but needs for this baby to stay inside of her until at least 24 weeks which is about 21 days away. Having a child born at 24 weeks is terrifying beyond belief because there are no guarantees of survival at this stage which she knows all too well. Please pray that she will keep this baby in for at least 3 more weeks but preferably more like 7 or more weeks to really give this baby girl a true fighting chance. This mother, like so many others I know, has endured so much pain in the last year in half and it is beyond comprehension for me for her to have to experience it all over again. The doctors are doing everything they can but she needs prayers to help ease her body, mind, and heart on this situation. She is exhausted to say the least physically, mentally and emotionally over her circumstances.

Devon, you are loved by so many and I hope that all of our prayers are answered. I pray that you will be bringing home a beautiful healthy little girl many months from now.

Love you, Melissa

News of Loss and Sadness

2009-06-12T17:25:00.000-07:00

A mother from one of my support boards gave birth to her son earlier this week at just under 24 weeks. Her sweet baby fought hard but his little body could no longer endure the trauma of life outside of her womb. Her sweet baby enter the kingdom of Heaven today and joined not only Declan, Lucas and so many others but also joined his very own brother. This woman and her family have already endure the horrible loss of a child born premature and my heart breaks for her as she once again is faced with the death of another child. Please send her and her family prayers to help her find the strength to endure the loss of another beautiful baby.

As I sit here thinking about this woman, I am reminded of just how unfair life is and how difficult it is to remain positive amongst such tragedy. It is hard for me not to questions God's plan for this family and even for myself. She has already endure one loss and to have to endure another is just hard to fathom. It just shows me that tragedy doesn't just strike once, you are not exempt from it striking again just because you endured it once. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle but he sure may push you close to the edge. I want to believe and have faith in the positive but at times like this I am shaken once again.

Vivid Dreams

2009-05-28T15:01:00.000-07:00

I have been having so many vivid dreams lately but last night was unbelievable. I was dreaming about having to explain the death of Declan and Lucas to a group of people and the people I was explaining it too just didn't get it. They were saying the most awful things and didn't stop interrupting me until I finally started sobbing and screaming all the horrible details of the events leading up to and after their death. I literally woke up around 4 am this morning just sobbing and my heart was racing because I was so upset. My pillow was wet from crying and I just continue to sob because it brought back so vividly the feelings from all those weeks and months. The feelings of needing to validate their lives to people who just didn't and still don't get our loss or the grief we feel over not having them. The people who think we are "all better" because we have been forced to continue on with the "normalcy" of life even after burying two children. I don't like going back to that dark dark place that I was once stuck in but there are times like this morning when I don't have a choice. When the grief just knocks you down when you least expect it all over again.

March of Dimes Follow-Up

2009-05-25T18:07:00.000-07:00

We participated in our 2nd March of Dimes walk a few weeks of ago and it was a beautiful day. We all met at the zoo and by all I mean about 35 of us, adults and children, on our family team. The weather was so beautiful for this early in May, in the Midwest and the zoo was a great place to have a walk with all of the children participating. We were the Ambassador family for our area's walk and I was asked to speak. I spoke about the importance of walking and raising awareness because not every family, like ours, gets to bring their babies home from the hospital. That not all families get to experience those miracle 24 weeker stories but instead deal with the grief of the death of their child or children. It was not a long speech, it was too emotional and I choked back the tears as I looked over the faces of all of our supportive friends and family. Yes, it was an emotional day but it was a good day. We raised an astounding amount of money as a family team and I am anxious to hear how much money was raised as a community. We honored our sons in a beautiful way and we were reminded just how much they were loved by so many people.

Thank you so much to all of you whom walked and/or donated to our family team.

March for Babies

2009-03-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to help out with the March of Dimes as much as I can without over doing it. They asked me to speak a few weeks ago to kick off our walk season and it went pretty well. I was all prepared for what to say and was totally caught off guard when I started to get all choked up. Talking to a room full of people, some of whom I knew really got what I and Kevin are living thru. Often the speaker is one of those miracle babies parents but that wasn't us. I was the speaker who put a face to the fact that there is still a very high precentage of babies that don't survive because of so many different reasons. I was the mother up there talking while trying not to sob about the grief she is experiencing because she misses her sons so much. I kind of figured after choking thru the first experience they wouldn't ask me to speak again but I was wrong! They asked me to speak at a March for Babies Egg Hunt in our area and then they asked our family to be the Ambassador family. I am so thrilled to be able to honor our sons this way. To show that we have lost so much and this is why it is so important to continue to support this fight for our children. I am nervous about breaking down but at the same time, it makes me feel good to do something positive in the midst of our tragedy.

Tomorrow, marks 14 months since the boys were here. I miss them so much right now...tonight...this minute.

Prayer Request..

2009-03-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

To all of you whom read my blog, I am so grateful and I ask a favor of you all. My best friend, Heather, whom has stood by us and supported us through the death of Declan and Lucas needs a prayer answered. Her mother, whom has not been feeling very well lately, just had some test results returned that showed she has a growth in her brain. I am unsure currently, if the growth is malignant so, please pray that it is not and that she will recover from any treatment that she may need. Please pray, that she will continue to live a strong and healthy life in which she can see her beautiful daughter get married and have amazing children of her own someday. I know that God is listening and I pray that he will bless this woman with strength and health.

Heather, I love you and am so grateful that you are in our life.

Thinking of you today...

2009-03-05T05:19:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to Blake and Ethan. These two special boys turn one today up in Heaven instead of in the arms of their mom and dad.

Devon, I am thinking of you today and wishing you some sense of peace. You are an amazing woman and mother and I am so grateful for our friendship. You have helped me so much this last year and words can not express how grateful I am. I hope that if you are all feeling better, you get to do some of the things you hope to do to celebrate B and E's birthday. Please know that you are loved by so many.

Loss for words...

2009-03-01T16:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't been writing much any more...I often feel like I am at a loss for words. I don't know what to say or I have too much too say and don't know how to convey it all. I have been journaling some privately, I guess I just feel to vulnerable right now to talk about trying again publicly. I fear people are going to tell me we are selfish for trying again or criticize us for the possibility of another pregnancy with complications. I also feel like a broken record, like all the grief I have, I have told over and over and over again. Afraid, people are tired of hearing our story and will tell me to stop talking about our sons because they have heard it all before and the story never changes. That is the part that people really don't get, the story will never change because all we had were those few short days and now they are gone. All we have to hold on to them are those memories that we repeat and tell over and over again. Telling me to move on or not wanting to hear them is like telling me to forget about them which I can never ever do.

NEGATIVE!

2009-02-12T17:56:00.001-08:00

A big fat negative!!! Why can't it be simple, I pee on a stick and it be positive? I am so frustrated, I hate my stupid body and that it can't do anything right. I hate that stupid insurance companies won't pay for treatment and that it costs an arm and a leg to get treatment. I am just angry right now that we just can't seem to catch a break. I feel like we deserve one, just something to re-new our faith and give us hope for the future.

One year ago, today...

2009-02-04T18:08:00.001-08:00

One year ago today, I remember waking up and thinking this can't be real. My face was already wet from crying because that was all I had done for a week now. I struggled to get out of bed mentally, emotionally and physically. As the morning progress, I know that I got ready but I don't remember getting ready. I know I borrowed black pants from my sister's roommate because my maternity pants were to big and my regular pants were too small. I know my sister went and bought we a new black shirt to wear because my breasts were so engorged from my milk coming in that I needed something bigger to wear. I do remember having to be wrapped so tightly and how much it hurt because I couldn't relieve the pressure since I had no babies to feed. Having your milk come in seems like some cruel joke since all it is, is a painfully physical reminder of not being able to feed your new baby. I don't remember putting on make-up, maybe I didn't? I don't remember the car ride? I don't remember any conversation in the car? But, the minute we entered the parking lot of the funeral home, I know have vivid images. My uncle directing us where to park our car. Him helping me out of my car and giving me a big hug. Walking in to the funeral home and being directed to where to hang our coats. Then being led to where the boys were in their casket and seeing them for the "first" time. I remember my uncle taking them out of the casket and allowing us to hold them again. Feeling how cold they were as I stroked their faces and kissed their heads. Helping us to put on the little bracelets we bought to use as necklaces so we could bury them with tiny gold crosses, one mine the other my sisters. I remember helping to rearrange the items in the casket so we could add their blankets and stuffed animals. I remember when people started to come and instant tears that were produced the minute they saw us and the boys. I remember sobbing so hard when I saw our friends from Minnesota because I was grateful that they had driven so far for such a hard day. I remember hugging my uncle Duke because he is like a second father to me and just the two of us sobbing. I remember being so sore from my c-section and it hurting so much when people hugged me but not caring because I liked being able to feel something even if it was painful instead of feeling numb. I remember when the deacon started our small mass but I have no idea what was said because I was just staring at my sons in their casket. I remember watching everyone take turns walking up to the casket paying their respects to the boys after the mass ended. I remember watching my grandma and my aunt both kisses the boys good-bye. I remember everyone leaving the room so that we could be alone with them again and hold them one last time. I remember holding them with Kevin and crying so hard again. I remember having to give them back so that the casket could be sealed. I remember having to go to our car and wait to be led to the cemetery. I remember being shocked when they opened my car door and placed their casket on my lap for me to carry to the cemetery so that we would have a little bit more time with them. I remember driving to the cemetery and always being so amazed at how people actually stop for a funeral procession. I remember arriving at the cemetery and seeing the tent set up for us to sit under while they laid the boys to rest and said final prayers. I remember us all huddled together because it was so cold and there wasn't much room. I remember sitting there thinking this isn't real, this isn't real as the tears rolled down my face. I remember them asking Kevin if he wanted to place the boys casket in to the ground. I remember him holding the casket and lowering it in to the ground. I remember that some strange cry or moan came out of my body as I watched my husband so lovingly and gently place their casket in to the ground. I remember being helped out of my chair and back to my car so we could go to a small luncheon. After that I don't remember much about the rest of the day. Today, I played those final hours/minutes with my sons over and over again in my head. How vividly they came today. What they were wearing, the way they were laying, and how they felt. All day, I just kept thinking I can't believe what I did one year ago and how trivial everything I am doing today seems. Today, I asked God to comfort me as the tears ran down my face this morning. It honestly seems like only yesterday this all happened and hard to believe it has been a year...

1st Birthday

2009-02-01T18:22:00.000-08:00

Your 1st birthday was definitely not spent the way I had envisioned it. In my dreams, we had friends and family at our home watching the both of you dig in to large pieces of birthday cake. So messy that you needed to go straight from your high chair to the bath, clothes and all.

Instead, we went to the hospital where we last held you. We delivered gifts to the Antepartum and NICU in your honor/memory. We saw so many of the nurses whom took such good care of us. It was hard to believe that they actually remembered us but they did. They were so gracious for the presents they received for their new patients and couldn't believe that an entire year had past since we had last been their patients. We received so many hugs, thanks and words of encouragement. It was a wonderful tribute to the both of you.

From there we went to the cemetery for a short visit. We met all four of your grandparents and sang Happy Birthday as we left presents on your grave. We all had written letters to you and decided to tie them to balloons. On the count of 3, we let all of them go at once and watched them float up above us in to the clouds. I didn't think it would actually work because it was only about 10 degrees that day and Helium doesn't react well with cold air. But, it did and it was so incredible and beautiful. All of the balloons, grouped together on their own and continued straight up above us the entire way until they disappeared in to the clouds. It was like you were pulling them straight up to you so you could enjoy their fun and read our letters.

After leaving the cemetery, all of us went out for dinner. We had a really nice meal and conversation. It was nice to all be together for your special day. After dinner, we lit a candle on your birthday cake and had Mackenzie blow it out. Having cake was a nice way to end our day. We really did focus on making the day a celebration of your lives instead of a day of mourning. It was really difficult and the tears did come but overall, it was a wonderful tribute to you both.

The days following your birthday, your daddy and I spent a lot of time talking about those days in the hospital and all that we have endured since. We are in awe of how many of our friends and family have been touched by your short lives here on earth. How many of them you truly impacted and wanted us to know that you were remembered by them all. We received so many emails, phone calls, cards and even a few gifts in honor of your big day. You are loved and missed by so many.

It is hard to believe that a year has gone by and we have survived. At times, I didn't believe that we would or that it was even possible and yet, we are still here. The pain is still there but it isn't as raw as it originally once felt but, I still miss and long for you every single day. I try to imagine you a year older but I can't because you will always be my newborn babies. I love you so much. All my hugs and kisses...mommy.

Lucas

2009-01-29T07:22:00.000-08:00

It has been exactly one year to today's date that we last held you. How I wish my arms weren't empty. I hope that you are watching out over Declan and enjoying all your playing with Blake, Ethan, Issac, Asher, Vivian, Annemarie, Issac and all the other babies that left this world too soon. Know that we miss and love you so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think and long for you both. I love you.

Declan

2009-01-28T18:31:00.000-08:00

It has been exactly one year since you left us, sweet little boy. We miss you just as much now as we did on that very day. I pray that you are watching over you little brother, Lucas and spending all your time with Grandma D'D'. I love you so much.

Happy Birthday

2009-01-27T06:18:00.000-08:00

Happy First Birthday, Declan and Lucas!!!

We miss you and love you so much!
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, and Mackenzie

Gifts

2009-01-25T10:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Kevin and I purchased a variety of gifts for the NICU and Antepartum floor in honor/memory of the boys 1st birthday. These are gifts that we hope will make the time that other mothers and fathers spending long days and nights on these floors a little more comfortable. A lot of thought went in to these presents because how do you make parents more comfortable when you know they are beyond scared, exhausted and frustrated. The gifts are nothing fancy but we wanted to give items that would be serving a purpose whether that be making their stay more comfortable or providing them with items that could help them with their grief.

It was a difficult thing to do because we were forced to go back to those weeks and think of things that we could have used or that would have helped us through our stay. It is hard because you know in your heart that there really is nothing that will ease the mind of a parent when their child's life hangs in the balance of life or death. But at the same time, for our own sanity we had to talk, even laugh, watch TV, read books, play games to pass all the time that went by over those 3 weeks in the hospital. So, we do know the importance of trying to create a distraction even if it is for short periods of time, just to give your mind, emotions and relationships a rest. When you are in the hospital lying their helpless because your body is failing your child, all you can do is wait and see. That is all the doctors and nurses can tell you, wait and see and hope for the best. They remind you that lying there is the best thing you can do to help your unborn child but for the mother and father, lying there only forces them to question and wonder about all the bad that is going to happen to their child. Minutes feel like days and days feel like weeks so, we remember vividly wish for the time to fly by quickly because everyday we remained pregnant was one more day closer to saving them. We know we can't ease what these parents are going through but maybe we can make time seem like it is moving forward in a positive direction. For those parents, whom lose their children, maybe we can help provide them with items that can help preserve those memories of their children and the short time they had with them.

We go to the hospital on Tuesday and I am extrememly worried about making it thru the doors with out breaking in to tears or being paralyzed with fear. To go back to the place where our world was shattered seems like an unbelievable task. Yet, we will go to honor our sons and to thank the people whom provided us with those precious days that we had with Declan and Lucas. Without this hospital or staff, we would have never had the opprotunity to meet our sons alive and provide them with a chance for life. We are eternally grateful to those whom cared for us during the remainder of our pregnancy, while the boys were in the NICU and even after their death. So on Tuesday, we will celebrate their birthday. Not the way we had hoped or dreamed but instead with heavy hearts and a purpose.

News

2009-01-18T15:34:00.001-08:00

I often wonder about the timing of events in my life. I have found that throughout this year when I am having an especially difficult day, usually due to specific date or anniversary, something happens to me to make me wonder.......was that Declan and Lucas trying to make the pain more manageable for me. January 12th was a difficult day because all I thought about all day was how different things would have been if the events of that day had never taken place. I tried to keep myself busy, but it is amazing how hearing one specific number, such as the 12th, can keep popping up over the course of the day. Especially, when all you want to do is forget that day ever happened.

When I got home, I realized that I had a voicemail message and it was from a woman at the March of Dimes. Now this is a where things get tricky because this is a double edged sword. Had the boys lived, we would not be such active participants in the March of Dimes but because they died this is a cause very near and dear to our hearts. Anyway, the gist of voicemail was that they would like me to chair a committee to help other family teams gather more support and donations. They would also like for me to help come up with ideas to make their walks even more family orientated. Why me? Well, our family team raised the most amount of money for the southern part of the state and they want to know how we did it. It was such an easy answer, we have family and friends whom love us and want to support us throughout this tragedy. Plus, I wanted my sons story to be known and to have a purpose besides just sadness and grief. I want the love that we have for them and all that they have taught us to be put to good use. Which means, raising money to hopefully help others to not have to experience the tragedy that we endured and are still enduring.

So, back to the timing aspect...Why on this specific day did I receive this phone call? Why not the next day or the week before? Was it to remind me of our loss? I doubt it because I am reminded of that everyday. I believe it was a sign from them to show me that their life and our love for them is serving a purpose. Does that purpose take the pain away or make their loss any less? No, but it does make the pain more manageable because it put a smile on my face to know that we did something good in their name and they can be proud of us for that. So in a few weeks, I begin helping on an even greater scale than I ever imagined and I am happy to be helping. I know it will be hard because it is bittersweet but I know in my heart it is what they want me to do. Otherwise, why else would I have received that phone call on that specific day?

A year ago today...

2009-01-12T15:26:00.000-08:00

One year ago today, life for us changed forever. In one instance, we knew that life as we knew it would never be the same but what we didn't realize was that we also would never be the same. I can remember everything about the evening, even the clothes I was wearing because I knew I would never ever wear them again. I have re-lived that night over and over in my head wondering if there was anyway that I could have prevented it or atleast postponed it? I replay it wondering how I could have change that night so that we could have had the outcome we had hoped and prayed for but like a bad dream there is nothing that I can do to change that night. All I can do is replay it over and over again.

One year later and I have thought all day about that night. At times wondering did this really happen...no this couldn't have really happened...it must all just be a bad dream...but sadly it is not.

One year later and I can't believe that a whole year has gone by. I never thought my life would be this way...I never thought I would be this way...I never thought I would be part of the "grieving parent club" but I am.

I never really understood what they meant your life can change in an instance but now I do.

January 12th

2009-01-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

One year from tomorrow, everything in our world came to an earth shattering halt....
Fear took over and then a few short weeks later sorrow, anger and grief joined that fear. We have been battling them for 12 long months....

12 months since I stood up and my water broke...

This one instantance change not only our lives, our family but us as people. This one specific event forever changed whom we are, forever...there is no going back.

2008...never forgotten...

2009-01-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

To accept that your children are dying is simply unbelievable. To realize that there is nothing more that can be done for them is unimaginable. To let them go is the unthinkable and yet, that was what was asked of us this last year (2008).

As 2008, came to a close, I initially thought I would be relieved but instead I felt sadness. 2008 was the year that I gave birth to and held Declan and Lucas alive. It was my last connection to them and it was painful to have to let go of that connection too.

I have been asked by a few people if I am glad that 2008 is over and behind us? Oc course, I am looking forward to the possibilities that are ahead of us in 2009. But, do I wish to put 2008 behind me like it never existed...No. 2008 was full of pain and heart ache but would I trade all that sorrow and wish it all away...Never! Our live definitely did not turn out how we had planned them but I still received 1 and 2 days with my sons. I would never trade those days just so that I could be void of this grief and pain. Do I wish it differently...of course, but I would never wish it away.

I hope and even dream that 2009 brings us joy, happiness and an unexpected blessing. I pray that if we are blessed with another child that this child will be healthy and allowed to come home with us. 2008 has taught me that I can only do so much. I can eat healthy, go to the doctor, exercise, take it easy, even stay on bed rest but, inevitably my life and the life of my family is in God's hands. Having faith that we will be blessed with good things is what I need to focus on. Not dwelling on the fears that will attack me, especially with regards to another pregnancy, is a battle that I am willing to fight. The love, want and need for another child definitely out weighs all my fears of never having or even losing another one. I am not ready to concede to those fears nor give up my dreams of a larger family. Yes, the fears are ever so present but my love for more children is so much stronger. I know it will be a battle, for none of my pregnancies have ever been easy, but the outcome of another healthy child is more than worth the fight.

My quote for the New Year:
~ Dance as though no one is watching you,
Love as though you have never been hurt before,
Sing as if no one can hear you,
Live as though heaven is on earth.
-Souza

I know that my grief will still be visible during this next year and for years to come. The boys will always be a part of our lives, of our memories, and of our family....they will never be forgotten...Never.

Christmas

2008-12-31T20:22:00.000-08:00

I have been attempting to find the words to sum up Christmas this year and all I could decide on was difficult, emotional, bittersweet and joyful. This was not the way Christmas was suppose to be! I should not have been at the cemetery on Christmas Day visiting the grave of my two children. Recap of this event was Kevin digging out a path, leaving gifts under their tiny tree, telling them we loved and missed them, crying, uttering words of disbelief and then driving off in an attempt to celebrate with the living. Trying to compose ourselves in the car, to put on a smile, to laugh and to attempt to enjoy a holiday where three (my sons and grandma) intricate parts of my family were missing.

They say that with each year it gets easier? I don't necessarily believe that, I think we learn how to be better prepared on what to expect and experts at faking it. Christmas nor any day for that account will ever be the same in mine or Kevin's eyes or hearts. I will always look under the tree to see presents missing, a family photo minus two of my children, a sister without her twin brothers to love and us without Declan and Lucas. I understand what they mean by "easier", I think what they really mean is to grasp what our "new" normal feels like.

Opening presents was a difficult task this year, watching all the kids unwrap...yet, knowing two were missing. As I sat watching my in-laws open up there gifts for their twin girls, I so desperately wanted to be in their shoes. Very few try to place themselves in our shoes because it is the unthinkable but I longed with all my being to be in theirs. Not to switch places, just wished us both the same blessing of ALL our children alive and well. The tears came as I stared at my sister-in-law as she quietly and distantly acknowledged my unimaginable pain and then at her daughter as I tried to imagine my own son on this day. I have learned that there is a point where I can no longer hold back the tears so, I let them come. I tried to quickly let the grief over take me so, that I could again get it under control. To push it back down so that it won't consume me like it use to do. To enjoy the smile and laughter as I watch Mackenzie run around and play.

For she is the sweet in my bittersweet life. She makes me laugh and smile...ones that are real and sincere. She is the blessing that God left with us here and for her I am trying to live each day to the fullest. I do it for her, in spite of what others have either requested or even demanded me to do because for me, her happiness and Kevin's are all that truly matter.

On Christmas Day I found peace in the dark. A peace that I didn't want to let go of, a place where I could acknowledge my pain and yet, I found joy in my "new" life. I realized that my grief is still going to sneak up upon me and I will never forget my sons but I also will be blessed with immense happiness. Happiness, smiling, laughter and living doesn't mean that I am betraying my sons or their memory. It only means that I am living and sharing their lives, their story, their love with others.

A very close and wise friend left me with this quote and I never really really took it to heart and understood it until these last few days.

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory." ~Mitch Albom

Memory becomes my sons. It doesn't seem fair but it is all I have, it is how I hold them, how I dance with them, how I nurture them and how I love them.... Memory is all I am left with...at least for now.

11 Months

2008-12-27T08:05:00.001-08:00

No words...hard to believe...

Missing you both so very much! I love you, Declan. I love you, Lucas.

Alone

2008-12-25T07:19:00.000-08:00

I sit here on Christmas Day all alone with my thoughts and my tears. I didn't go to church today, I just didn't have the desire to sit and listen while watching all the happy families around me. I mainly wanted to avoid a place where there would be lots of new little babies all dressed up for the holiday. I just wanted sometime to myself so, that I could get it together before Mackenzie gets back and we have to do all the festive stuff at our aunt's house. I sit here struggling with how to get through the rest of this week, the days to come are going to be very trying on me. My chest feels like it is being crushed and yet, I know that I will need to find some joy in today for both myself, my husband and my daughter. I will find laughter as I watch her open her gifts and enjoy the company of family but for now, I need to let the tears come. For now, I need to feel the pain of not having you both here so that later I can allow myself to find some laughter amongst the tears. This is not the Christmas I had envision but it is what has been given to me and I don't have a choice but to endure through the pain and wrap my arms around the joy that will also be present.

To all of you mother's and father's on this journey of grief with us, I wish you peace and hope for the New Year. To my blog family and my real family, thank you for all your support, concern and love this year, I hope that this next year will be a better one. Maybe, we will be blessed with the gift of another child in 2009 that we can raise and love...atleast, that is what I hope and pray for in 2009.

Merry Christmas to all...
Melissa

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T06:19:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Declan and Lucas. We miss and love you both so very much! Wishing you were here with all my heart.

I love you.

Christmas Letter

2008-12-24T21:40:00.001-08:00

December 24, 2008

Dear Declan and Lucas,

It is hard to believe that Christmas is here already. So much has changed from this year to last. Last year, we were filled with excitement, nerves and joy. This year, we are filled with grief, sadness and loneliness. We miss you both so very very much.

We received some very beautiful gifts in memory of you both. They were heartfelt and wonderful which of course brought tears to both of our eyes. Yet, it is hard to be joyful and excited when we are missing you both so very much. We try very hard for Mackenzie and our family to put on a happy face and try to live in the now but it is hard to not dwell in the past.

Your daddy has been very patient with me this week and last. I have been short tempered and emotional with him. I know he misses you just as much as me but sometimes, I take it out on him even though I don’t mean too. I am tired of being sad but the sadness just seems to be winning this time of year. I won’t give in but I honestly feel as if I am truly being tested.

We will be coming to visit you tomorrow and bringing your Christmas gifts. I hope you like the few presents that will be under your tree. I so wish I could see you open them instead of having to leave them in the snow untouched and to never be played with. All the same, I couldn’t not get you something to enjoy this Christmas it just wouldn’t feel right.

I know you are up in heaven with grandma and having a wonderful time. You are whole and you are healthy, but I still miss you all the same. So, many want for your daddy and me to be “all better” but that is still just going to take more time. Each “first” holiday or special date for us is so difficult to endure. We imagined what it “would” have been like with you here and it is hard to not let those visions fill our heads and consume our thoughts.

I am sending you both a huge hug and kiss. One for grandma, Lorraine, too. We love you both, so very much! Merry Christmas.

We love you,
Mommy, Daddy and Mackenzie
xoxoxo

Birthday...

2008-12-17T19:02:00.000-08:00

So, today was my birthday and I can definitely say that I am a year older, a year wiser, and even a year stronger. I cried yesterday, in the car, thinking about turning 31. Not because I have a problem with being 31 but because another year has gone by and again I have had another pregnancy fail. Last year, I thought to myself, I am going to be 30 years old and have 3 children! How exciting, how tiring and how fun! Now, I am 31 and instead I still have my wonderful daughter at home to raise but my sons are gone. How did I go from having 3 children alive with me and all the happiness in the world to being a grieving mother of 2 children all by the age of 31? Today, I am struggling with my age in terms of becoming to old to have more children. How sad is that...31 too old. But, when you face fertility issues, they sure like to remind you of the statistics especially once you reach the dreaded age of 30 plus. I had this perfect little time frame all planned out and that time has come and gone and still my "family" here on earth is incomplete?

When I think back to my last birthday, I was so excited and so optimistic about having a healthy outcome. A year later, so much has changed... I am not that same person and I never will be again. I can't go back to whom I was before the boys died, when they died so did a large part of me. I can't be fixed, but I am working on being mended. I am getting stronger and I am definitely wiser. I know now that we really do have to take the bad with the good in our lives. We may not want to accept or understand all the bad but it is a part of life and we can't run from it. I am learning what it means to have faith even in our darkest moments and I am praying for the miracle of another life to be blessed upon us again. So, yes I am still grieving and yes, I am still sad and angry but I am also stronger and wiser. I miss my sons and that pain just doesn't vanish away because I am year older. That pain will always be there but just in more tolerable amounts as the years continue on without them.

My birthday wish is that by the time I am 32 we will either have or be expecting another healthy son or daughter that we get to bring home this time to be with us.

Shutting Down?

2008-12-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

***Update***

I have decided to keep writing for me and for nobody else. If people don't like it or are too depressed, well then they don't have to read it. It is not for them, it is for me to be able to express all that I feel and I am doing it for me, not for anyone that reads it. Thank you too all of you whom encouraged me to keep going. I truly appreciate all of your support and kindness.

************************************************************************************

Thinking of shutting the blog down...had some stuff said to me about the blog. I will post later and let you know if I am getting rid of it.

Thanks to all of you who have read and supported me...

Melissa

Heavy Heart

2008-12-05T20:21:00.000-08:00

I sit here with a heavy heart tonight because my family has suffered two deaths this week. My grandma passed away after a very long battle with cancer. She died in the comfort of her own home with her family around her and her husband holding her hand. It has been an extremely emotional time for me because we were so very close. She was more than just a grandma, she was like have a second set of parents to care for me and my sister. We talked so often and she was so funny, loving and compassionate. It was hard to see how quickly she deteriorated these last few weeks and how much she was suffering. I know she is up in heaven with my sons and I am so comforted by that fact. To know that she is loving them, holding them and caring for them for myself and Kevin. I think about her death and I am at peace with it. I miss her but I am so glad that she no longer has to suffer. I know that she has lived an amazing and long life for which we celebrated this week. Death is difficult but with my grandma it was to be expected for she was sick and she was elderly. What I can't understand is the death of a child?

Kevin's cousin lost her child this week. She found out that the child that she was carrying in her womb had Spina Bifida only a few short weeks ago. Her husband and herself found the strength to continue with this pregnancy and made the decision to not terminate but to love this child unconditionally no matter what the outcome was. Tonight, I sit here with such a heavy heart to learn that this unborn child died in her womb. I sit here knowing this awful journey that her husband and her are embarking upon and I am devastated for them. I don't know the details of her labor but I pray that it was swift and as pain free as possible. I hope that they both got to spend time as much time as they needed with their son after his birth, loving him, holding him and just being with him. I know that the time they spent will never seem like it is enough but I pray that they can focus on the memories they made with that little amount of time they had with him. I hope that the nurses knew to take as many pictures as possible and allowed for them to do whatever they needed as parents during this time with their son.

When a grandparent or the elderly die it is to be expected. We expect that we will bury our grandparents and then our parents but we never expect to bury our children. It just doesn't seem right, it just doesn't fit in the order for what we expect in terms of death. We don't bury the young, it just doesn't make sense...it is hard to comprehend and accept. It is difficult to accept "why" God chooses the young to come to heaven instead of allowing them to be raised by their parents. When God choices a child as an angel, we question the wisdom of his love and the reason "why"? I have realized that it is okay to question and that god can take my questioning and even my anger. He will eventually in either this life time or in the next explain to me the "why" I just have to be patient and not give up my faith in him, my family, my strength in myself.

There is a quote that I like by an unknown author:

An angel of the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." -author unknown

Each child is a beautiful gift from god. I have learned to not take anyone of my pregnancy for granted because there is no guarantees in life and especially not with pregnancy. Unfortunately for so some of us being pregnant is not an easy task because we have endured the worst due to miscarriage, premature birth, genetic defects and death of our babies. We learn to be more than cautious because we have suffered the no "guarantees" in our lives and our families. God sometimes blesses us with children and then takes them from us before we have had the chance to known them and raise them. We continue to love them unconditionally and we don't love them any less than those children that remain alive and in our lives to be raised by us. When you lose a child you are forever changed, there is no going back to the way it was before that child died. You are forever missing a pieces of your family and your heart. I am learning that while I wish the boys were here with me and knowing they never will be is different than accepting why they were taken from me. I can accept that they are in heaven but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with the fact that I didn't get the chance to raise them or know them.

This is a long and painful road that I am learning to travel on but it is excruciating to know that another family member is just beginning her journey. This is one "club" that no mother wishes upon another mother. Telling her that her child is in a better place, may be true, but it is something that no mother ever wants to here. So, I ask that you pray for this woman and her family as they begin to find themselves on this dark path. Give them the strength to lean on each other and their family whom love them so. Pray for their hurting hearts and the wisdom to know that they did everything they could to protect and love their son.

The saddest word, goodbye

When God calls our children

to dwell with Him above,

We mortals sometimes question

the wisdom of His love.

For no heartache compares with,

the death of one small child.

Who does so much to make our world,

seem so wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling

the aged to His fold.

So, He picks a rosebud

before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them,

and so He takes but few.

To make the land of heaven

more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult

still somehow we must try.

The saddest word mankind knows

will always be Good-bye.

So when a little child departs,

we who are left behind,

Must realize God loves children.

Angels Are Hard To Find!

Author Unknown

Black clouds following me...

2008-11-30T12:22:00.001-08:00

I am at a loss right now, numb to be exact. I am expected to receive another tremendous loss either this week or the next and the pain is so raw. It is not a child but my grandmother and I am heartbroken to see her in so much pain. It tears me into pieces to watch my dad care for her so lovingly and gentle with the pain in his eyes as she moans for the pain to go away. This has been such a horrible 10 months and I feel like everywhere around me their is death. I feel like I have a black cloud over me and I bring pain to all those in contact with me. I want for this 2008 year to be over so desperately and for the pain to be gone but I know it will continue. I want to take the pain away from my dad and my grandfather as they sit there attending to my dying grandmother wishing with all their hearts that they could help her. They can't help her and I can't ease their pain... This Thanksgiving was difficult to begin with because it marked the boys 10 month birthday and a holiday without them. It also was the first holiday without my grandma their with us to celebrate because she is bed ridden. It just is so hard, I don't know what else to say... Her dying is opening up the rawness that I have been trying so hard to heal and I am exhausted from trying to pretend that things are going to be okay or that they are going to get better. Again, I constantly wonder "WHY ME, my family" and "what did I do" to deserve this much pain? I am sorry for whatever I did...please enough is enough I don't know how much more I can endure...

Yesterday

2008-11-26T12:47:00.000-08:00

Last night, I really needed to process what happened at school yesterday. It was an extremely tough day and I can honestly say that I was exhausted. As I think about yesterday and the days to come for these children, I am filled with so many emotions: sadness, fear and hope. My heart aches for all that they are enduring. A pain so deep that no one especially children so young should have to endure. A fear that some are trying to stifle their emotions and grief. That they are trying to be strong for those loved ones around them instead of allowing themselves to grieve the person they have lost. Hopeful that this experience will show them how courageous and strong they truly are and that they can enjoy life without feeling fearful or guilty for being happy. I was truly amazed at the strength of these students at such a young age. Some of them have endure more in their young lives than most adults and I pray that with love and guidance they can begin to heal.

I am also grateful and honored that I was asked to join their group and discussion. I know how hard it is to discuss feelings and show vulnerability in front of others. To show we are hurt or angry and to wonder if that is okay or even normal. I am so grateful that their group leader felt comfortable asking me and having faith in me to help these students. I don't know if my talking with them helped them or not but I do know that it helped me. I want for my sons death to have a purpose and not be in vain...I don't know if my attempting to help these children is the purpose that I am seeking for or not but it felt good. I am glad it felt good, I have waited for so long for something to feel truly this good. Even though, I was emotional and it was extremely difficult to talk with them but in the end, I felt good about what I did and I hope that is what matters.

The other reason yesterday was so hard for me to process was because we had a student pass away the night before due to cancer. I kept thinking about her pain and prayed that she was happy to be free from all of her pain and in a better place. Yet, I was so tormented because while I was relieved that she was free from her pain, I remembered being so angry when people told me to be happy that my sons were in a better place. That wasn't comforting when all I wanted was for them to be with me. So, I cried for her parents and their loss of such a precious child. How they have to endure no longer having her with them and this awful journey that they are now on. How they will have to hear from others that she too is in a better place which in their minds they understand but in their broken hearts they yearn for nothing more than for her to be with them. I pray that they can find the strength to grieve together and not isolate themselves from one another. I pray that all of her friends can find the strength to grieve for her and remember all the good memories. I ask that we send this family prayers to help support them through this most awful time ever in their lives. It is hard to find beauty and grace in this world when I hear of yet another mother and father losing their child but I need to remind myself that I have so many things to be thankful for especially my loved ones.

Helping Students?

2008-11-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I am suppose to talk to a small group of students at the school where I work. All of these middle school children have lost someone close to them, either a parent or a sibling in the last year or so. I was asked to talk to them about what it feels like to grieve for my own children. I am nervous about what I should say to them and how I will respond to them. They can't understand my loss and I can't understand theirs but we can relate to the way it feels to lose that person or people that we love more than anything. We can relate and understand those same emotions, fears, regrets, the what ifs and the should bee's. I am afraid to break down in front of them as I talk about being angry over the death of Declan and Lucas. Telling them how my heart is broken and will forever have pieces missing from their death. The guilt of laughing, being happy and wanting more children even though it has been less than a year since they died. How do you help children come to terms with the emotions and feelings over losing those that they loved when you can't even do it yourself? How do you tell them it is okay to feel all of these emotions, when you so desperately don't want yourself to feel this way any more? Maybe, I don't? Maybe, I just tell them that this is the hard part of life, that life can be cruel and unfair...that it just plain sucks and we don't have any reasons for why bad things happen. I don't know what to say and I am afraid of letting them down. The boys died because I failed them, I let them down and I don't want to let these kids down. They are already hurting, sad and angry, I don't want to be one more let down for them. I want to help them, I want for the boys and all my hurt and struggles to have a purpose. Could this be the purpose I have so desperately been searching for....asking for... I need for all of this to matter.

Parenting?

2008-11-12T18:29:00.001-08:00

I realized that there is another reason that I am dreading the next few months and that has to do with not being able to parent the boys. The only parenting that I am allowed to do for my sons is to make sure that there grave site is clean and beautiful. I make sure that I pull any weeds, clear away any grass clips, put out new flowers, post new letters, place out new toys and take pictures of how nice the site looks. With winter and snow coming, I won't be able to do all these things nor will I be able to visit as often. Even though they are not here, I can't seem to stop being a parent to them. When I see things at the store, I think the boys would have had fun with that toy or that would have looked cute on the boys. Sometimes, I buy them things and take it to the cemetery for them to have, even though I know it won't be physically used. I am sure people think what a waste of money and even probably think it is morbid but I just can't not be a parent to them and this is all I have in terms of parenting. It is the same when it comes to traditions in our family. The boys had a pumpkin this year, decorated for them. They will have a Christmas stocking and presents will be placed at their grave site. I hate that my "parenting" exists only as there grave site care taker... I guess it is true, once you are a parent, you are always a parent. You want to care for and love them in anyway you can. You want to show them in anyway and everyway that is possible. That desire and yearning to parent doesn't go away when they die...I think in someways it becomes stronger or maybe it is just away I am using to try to hold on to them anyway I can?

A Baby Girl!

2008-11-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

Well, 46 hours and 1 c-section later, our friends welcomed the arrival of their beautiful daughter, Tessa Ann. Weighing in at 6lbs. 3 oz and measuring 21 inches long. We are thrilled for them and very grateful for all of the prayers. Both mom and daughter are healthy and dad is finally able to relax knowing both of his girls are safe.

Prayer needed

2008-11-07T05:26:00.001-08:00

I am asking for all of you whom read this to please say a prayer today for our friends. They are currently at the hospital expected the arrival of their first child. Please pray that she has an quick, easy but most importantly SAFE delivery. Also, pray that she delivers a healthy little boy or girl. We are so excited for them!

Headstone

2008-11-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I went and saw the boys headstone. It turned out really nice but I don't really know what else to say about it? Am I happy with it... not really because it marks the spot where my boys are buried. So, I just can't put happy in that sentence. It was a hard day. I guess, I wasn't really ready for the reality and finality of it. I thought I would be but, to just sit there and stare at is something of disbelief. I have to say it was an overwhelming day, a day of raw emotions and tears. I am glad that it is in and done because I wanted them to have marker. I want people to know where they are and whom they were but at the same time it just feels so wrong. I guess right now, I am still a little overwhelmed by the reality of having bought a headstone for my sons.

Reality

2008-10-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

The boys marker was placed in to the ground today (exactly 9 months to the day of Lucas's death) and I am going to go see it for the first time tomorrow. I am going by myself so that I can be alone with the boys and my own thoughts. I am so afraid of how I am going to react to seeing it? It just makes everything all the more concrete and real, like I can't pretend that this hasn't happened to us. I have to stare at this headstone and accept that I am a mother whom has buried two children. I have to accept that I am a mother of 3 even though nobody else sees me that way. Tomorrow, I will spend some time individually with all 3 of my children, it is a time that I cherish and yet it eats away at me all at once. Tomorrow will have some finality to all that has happened and all that is left is for me to deal with the grief.

Grief is so tiring. I had someone whom I work with, who is new to the building and whom doesn't know me really very well, tell me that I don't seem depressed and that I deal with all of this very well. I am always surprised by this comment because I don't know if I should feel ashamed, guilty or angry. Angry at the fact that I have learned to control my grief around others. At the fact, that she doesn't see how often I break down or at how numb I have become to the life around me. That I don't care if I stay home, go out, or stay in bed; basically, that I go through the motions of life everyday. That I don't care that I am fat, tired and looking old and I don't have any intention of doing anything about it....what is the point? Or should I feel ashamed and guilty that people see me as "over it" or as someone whom has "moved on" from burying her two children. Should I feel ashamed and guilty that I have figured out how to get out of bed, go to work, sort of take care of my family, carry on meaningless conversations and even laugh when only 9 months ago I said good-bye to my sons. I feel like she was saying to me, if I were you I wouldn't have moved on yet. You moved on too soon, you obviously didn't love them very much or they didn't mean as much to you as they would have meant to another mother. I don't know what to say any more. When I talk about the boys, I can often talk about them without crying because I have learned to talk about the facts. Talking about the facts is so different then talking about the missing, the love, the grief and the shattered dreams. Talking about the facts, allows me to stay in this place without tears, without overwhelming emotion, it allows me to be numb and not lose my composure.

Tomorrow my reality will be 10"x20" cold piece of marble in the ground. I will feel the smoothness of its surface and the cut of the letters. I will rub my hands across their names all while longing to feel their skin on mine. I will cry out there names and my tears will fall on to the ground where they lie below me. Tomorrow, my reality is a plot at the cemetery where both of my sons lay and where my heart has been buried along with them.

Panic Attack

2008-10-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

It happened again, I had a Panic Attack. I haven't had one in months but I just have been so overwhelmed and frustrated lately. I knew I was having one and luckily, I was at the doctor's office so she knew I was having one. My resting heart rate was 97 and I was just so on edge all day.

The holidays are really starting to get to me...I just don't know how to put everything in to the right perspective. Every time, I think about them, I want cry or I do start crying. I miss the boys so much and I just want them to be here. The holidays just make it all the harder because you envision all the fun things outside of the everyday normal activities that we would have done together. I hate that I am grieving them so much everyday and yet, I feel that others forgot that they ever existed. I hate that I feel like people think it is taboo to talk about them, like I am diseased and if they get to close they will give them the dead child disease. I don't want to be sad all the time and I am not but on the days that I am sad I want for that to be okay. I want to be able to cry without people wondering why I am not all better or over it yet. I want to be able to cry and for people to not get uncomfortable. I want to be able to grieve over the holidays and cry without feeling like I am ruining everyone elses holiday. I don't want to have to hold it in but I know that is what I will end up doing.

I am tired of seeing so many happy families with multiple kids and feeling so envious. That should be us but it is not and it completely deflates me. I have teen at my school whom are pregnant and it is so frustrating and infuriating to me. Why them, why not me! Why can't I get pregnant easily, have an easy pregnancy and be taking home a healthy child. I want to know why not us?

I have started talking to my OB about trying again and it just put it all back in to perspective about how hard it is just to get pregnant. All the pills I have to take just to give us a chance. All the doctors appointments that lay ahead. All the wondering and the worrying. Knowing that if this doesn't work, it is back to more shots, even more appointments and even more risk, worrying and stress. Then comes the pain of feeling like I am trying to replace the boys. That if I bring a new baby in to this house, it will be like they truly never existed. That everyone will forget about them as if they didn't matter or as if the pain won't be there any more.

The guilt about enjoying not being pregnant right now. Want a baby but not wanting to be pregnant because it just is not enjoyable. I want to love being pregnant but when I am pregnant I am nothing but a nervous wreck and terrified. Every time, I use the bathroom I think the pregnancy will end in miscarriage. Every back ache, I think is cramping or contractions. Being on bed rest and the stress of just thinking about all that could go wrong. Now, I have experience the worst and so another pregnancy is going to be even harder because I am going to be even more terrified. I so long for a pregnancy where I can just enjoy being pregnant, enjoy getting fat, enjoy feeling the baby move and not worry about all the what ifs...but that just isn't my reality and it sucks!

If we do get pregnant, how will I really feel? Will I bond with this baby while it is inside of me? Will I be able to enjoy my daughter or will I miss out on all that is going on with her due to bed rest or complications. What will people say or how will they react when they find out? What do I do about work? Is it going to be safe enough for me to continue working while being pregnant given my history? Will be get to bring this child home? Healthy??? Will I miss the boys even more?

These are just some of the reasons for my panic attack, I could go on but right now I can't. My mind and my heart are racing. I just wish things were easier. I just wish that I wasn't so tired. I am so tired of being tired. I have to remember God never promised us a perfect life here on earth. Here I have to take the good with all the bad and make due with the cards that I am dealt.

Tears...

2008-10-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been filled with tears. Unfortunately, they are not just tears over the lost of my own sons but for two other mothers whom lost their little boys this week. My heart just aches for them and the weeks, months and years of enduring grief that lies ahead. After 8 months, I can still feel the heaviness and the emptiness in my arms. That ache to hold the boys and feel their weight in my arms but instead it is an emptiness but at the same time it is so unbearably heavy. The heaviness continues in to my chest, at times feeling like it is going to crush my heart. At times, I wish it would so that I didn't have to feel this pain any more. I cry for the moms that I email with and read their blogs for their pain is mine and mine is theirs. We are connected in a way that no mother should ever be and yet this bond is what helps each of us get through our days.

Today at the cemetery, I watched Kevin cry from a distance and my heart just felt like it broke in to a hundred more pieces. He misses the boys so much and I often forget that he misses them just as much as I do because he doesn't cry as much in front of me as I do in front of him. Leaving the cemetery, the tears streamed down both of our faces and we talked about the boys. The emptiness we both feel without them here and the finality of death is such a reminder when you sit at their grave site. Again, the tears are pouring as I sit and think of my wonderful, strong, loving husbands broken heart over the loss of the boys. I can't help but feel responsible for breaking his heart and that makes me cry even harder tonight. I am so sorry Kevin and while I know you don't hold me responsible. I can't help but hold my body responsible for the loss of our boys. You deserve to have them here with you...with Mackenzie....with us....

Dreading the Holidays....

2008-09-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

I just want the next four months to over and done with so that I don't have to deal with the fact that our family is not all here for the holidays. I use to love the holidays and now thinking about them puts a pit in the bottom of my stomach. Last year, I was so excited thinking about how this year was going to be around holiday time and now it is just literally heartbreaking to know that we won't be celebrating with the boys. There is Mackenzie's birthday, Halloween, Kevin's birthday, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Year's Eve, the one year birthday of Declan and Lucas and then final both of their angelversaries. Four long months...I wish I could just close my eyes and February 1st would be here. I don't want to celebrate, I just want to curl up in a ball and wish it all away. Selfish of me, I know, I feel like a horrible mom, a horrible wife, a horrible person. Tonight, just sucks and I just don't want to feel like this any more.

8 months

2008-09-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

I miss you both so much today and everyday.... Today, I can't think about all the what should have beens because I have to celebrate with two different friends that are having their own babies. I have to brave through the day with a smile and try not to think about how I wish with all my heart to have my own two baby boys in our home with us. I love you both and my love for you, Mackenzie and Kevin is what I will try my hardest to focus on.

Good-byes...

2008-09-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

The hardest thing about losing someone you love is saying good-bye and it is not only the initial good-bye that is the hardest. It is the fact, that you have to say good-bye each and everyday for the rest of your life. I wake up in the morning and think of the boys, knowing that I said good-bye to them and that in this lifetime, I will never see them again. I see them all around me everywhere each and everyday and yet, they are not here. I get asked questions about them from curious students and am reminded that I have nothing new to tell them. I will never have new memories of the boys all I can do is hold on to the old. Yet, holding on to the old memories are so painful but it is all I have of them so, I hold on tight wanting to never let go.

It is interesting how kids grow brave over time and begin to ask questions. I have students whom never asked questions last year, now asking about the boys. Some days it is a blessing in disguise while other days I am caught off guard and attempt to answer quickly as to not get emotional. Middle school aged children are an interesting bunch, they often are quick to speak before thinking but when it comes to curiosity surrounding death, they can be exceptionally tactful. I think there are many adults out there who could take some lessons from this kids when it comes to addressing someone who is mourning the loss of a love one. Often so many adults, feel that I should be moving on with life as if this were a thing of the past, over and done with regardless of the fact that they were my children. A few of my students, whom don't think I can hear when they whisper, think the opposite, they can't believe that after 7 short months that I would be at work, talking, laughing and going on with life. Had it been them, they would never be able to go on and they would still be crying.

In a nutshell, this is my life and I find myself being resentful of the need or want for me to be all better. While at the same time, I am sad that I don't cry everyday and that I have the ability to laugh and go on without them. I feel so much guilt when I truly think about that last sentence...going on without them. I don't want to go on without them, but I don't have much choice in the matter and on most days the tears have stopped flowing. I remember thinking I just want to stop crying, I am so sick of crying and now there are days where I wish I could cry but the tears don't always come. Even though their are days when I don't shed a single tear, the fact remains the same....everyday, I say good-bye to them and everyday is still as difficult as the last without them.

5 Years

2008-09-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Today is the 5 year anniversary of my marriage to my husband, Kevin. I just wanted to thank you for bringing him in to my life and to acknowledge how truly blessed I am to have him as my husband. The last 5 years have been filled with love, laughter, joy, pain, loss, heart break and strength. While, I never imagined this would be my life after 5 years of marriage, I am in awe of his strength and unwavering love towards me and Mackenzie. It is hard to believe that after 5 years, we still don't have a house full of kids and maybe we never will? However, I will never take the life that we have built together for granted nor will I take for granted all of his hard work and love.

Today, I try to remember all of the good memories that we have shared together over the last 5 years. It seems like we have grown up together and we have so many stories to share. Yet, it is hard to focus on the positive when our grief circles up around us sometimes swallowing us whole. It is hard to enjoy talking about our plans for the day when we know our plans for tomorrow are to go visit the boys at the cemetery. Yet, we try. We try to enjoy our anniversary even though, we know this is not the life we had envision for ourselves 5 years in to our marriage. By now, we were suppose to be done having our 3 to 4 children running around the house. Instead, we still battle the question of do we continue our family or do we just treasure Mackenzie all by herself. 5 years seems like it should be such a big milestone, especially in this day and age, but I feel some disappointment.... not in my marriage but in the aspect of growing a family. So, I ask of you today, God, give me the strength to enjoy this time with my husband even when the tears start to flow. To help me be the wife that he deserves and loves. Give us the strength to endure all that lies ahead in our lives, in our family and in our marriage. Give us the strength to make the next 5 years as memorable with more love, laughter, joy, strength and with less pain, loss and heart break.

Melissa

Dreams

2008-09-18T18:24:00.001-07:00

I am searching for Mackenzie, Declan and Lucas. I am showing pictures of the three of them to people. Mackenzie looks the same as she does now but the boys are older than when they died. They are toddlers and they look so much like Mackenzie. Declan has the same hair that Mackenzie has now but it is a brown/red much like Kevin's and Lucas has shorter hair and it is Blonde with a tint of red to it. I can still see those pictures in my mind so vividly because they were not photographs, they were oil pastel drawings that I had done of the boys. I am running through the rain, frantically looking for the kids and I come to an old barn. Mackenzie is in the barn and I am so relieved she is okay. She is scared but she is okay. I hug her and kiss her and tell her she is fine. I tell her I won't let anything ever happen to her and then I ask her where the boys are but she doesn't know. I am then back at our house with her and I leave her at our home with someone so that I can go search for the boys some more. I am crying and frantic because I can't find them, I can't save them and I know they are gone. I wake myself up and I am so upset that I couldn't save them. Once again, I couldn't save them and in an instant they were gone. My chest is aching and I have to check on Mackenzie. She is sleeping soundly but now I am back in bed and shaking out of heart ache and fear. I wish that the last almost 8 months was a bad dream I could wake up from, I wish that I could have saved them.

Emotional

2008-09-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it is the date or just one of those days but I have been an emotional roller coaster all day. Remembering that today is September 11th, and thinking about that day makes my hair stand up on end. It always brings tears to my eyes and yet, even more so this particular year. I am more in tune to other peoples grief and it makes my heart heavy to think about all of those loved ones still grieving and mourning the loss of their family and friends on that very day. When we had our moment of silences today, the hair on my arms rose, the tears in my eyes welled up and my chest closed so tightly around my heart I thought I might not breath. Grief is everywhere and I am not the only one to experience it. We all suffer and have experienced it in one form or another. Whether it is as parents, spouses, friends, siblings or even as a nation, we all know how precious life is. Yet, I miss the boys so much today. Today, it makes me physically sick and I tear up over a Disney movie. Today is just hard, I want them to be here to hold, to hug and to kiss. I want them to be almost 4 months old instead of almost 8 months dead. I want to be decorating their room instead of thinking how to decorating their grave site and waiting for their marker to be placed in to the ground. I want to go back 8 months and do it all over again...to still be pregnant, to still be naive, to still be happy. I wish we could go back 8 months or 7 years and take those days away but instead we live with their memories and try to make that be enough, even though it's not.

Ecclesiastes 1:13 states, "And I gave my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all things that are done under heaven: this sore travail hath God given to the sons of man to be exercised therewith." I am trying to understand God's plan for my family and myself. But, on days like today, it hard to make sense of it all?

For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.

Ecclesiastes 1:18

Another Child?

2008-09-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

Having another child has been weighing on my mind so much lately, I think because I don't know if it is the right thing to do or not? Should we or shouldn't we is what goes through my head on a daily basis. Do we risk losing another child? Do we risk the possibility of having a child with severe disabilities? Do we risk more heartbreak? I just don't know what to do? I guess I should re-phrase that as I don't know what is the RIGHT thing to do? I have always wanted to have multiple children but I am so afraid. I thought being pregnant is suppose to be an exciting, happy time? I long to have that in a pregnancy, just once. To enjoy the aches and the pains of a "normal" pregnancy without the intense fear of something horrible going wrong. I am so saddened at the FACT that I have been pregnant 5 times and dumbfounded by the fact that I only have one child here on earth with me. Yet, I am so grateful for having Mackenzie to love and watch grow so maybe I should learn to be content with her alone? However, my heart feels uncertain and our home feels too quiet and incomplete, but will those feelings outweigh and over take my fears?

I want to pray to God on this question but then I think why? What is the point? I prayed so hard and had so many people praying for us when I was in the hospital but it didn't make a difference. He still took them because he has his own plan. If he has his plan and is going to carry out that plan regardless of what I want, then praying won't make a difference? Right? I guess this is one way that I can look at what happened to us.

However, on the other hand I can think about all the prayers that I said and our family/friends said and admit that praying did work. I can hope that it was because of all those prayers that I was allowed to remain pregnant for 3 more weeks, which granted myself and my husband the opportunity to meet our sons alive. To hear them cry. To hold them. To touch them. To admit, that prayer allowed us to be with them and know they were safe and not in any pain when they died.

Which do I hold on too? The one where God has his own plan and no amount of praying will change that or the one that proves that prayer can change the outcome in the events of our life, even the horrible ones? Being stuck in the middle and leaning one way one day and the other the next day is where I am at right now. This is why I am so unsure of us having more children? How do I just take that leap of faith? Especially, when I know how devastating it can be when you are fighting to believe that everything is going to turn out okay and it doesn't. I want to know, HOW? If I knew how, if someone could explain it to me so I could understand it. I would do it but I need to know how? How to let go of it all...the fear, the questions, the uncertainty, the unknown? I will do it but I need to know how to take that leap of unwaivering faith.

Tired...

2008-09-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

Starting work this week has been mentally, physically and even emotionally draining for me. It has been a needed distraction and always feels good to be back helping my students. While, I welcome the distraction, I also can not deny the fact that it has been a little tough. I have thought about the boys and how I should have been taking them to their first day of daycare. How hectic our mornings would have been trying to get 3 kids under the age of two off to daycare in time to go teach middle school children. It was just a sad day to know that this wasn't going to happen and on the first day it brought tears to my eyes as I drove my lonesome self to work.

Needless to say, I have been looking for something to help remind me of the beauty in life even while I miss the boys. So yesterday, I was on a dear friend of mines blog, Devon, who also lost her twin boys almost 6 months ago. On her site, she had the most beautiful pictures of her boy's names written in the sand. As I read more about these pictures, she provided a blog of a wonderful mother whom will write your children's names in the sand and photograph them for you. So, yesterday I emailed this mother and provided her with some information about Declan and Lucas. I was hopeful that maybe in a few weeks I would have some beautiful pictures of my very own. Well low and behold they arrived today. They are so beautiful and I am so grateful to this mother, of whom is a stranger to me, that she would do such an amazing gesture and provide such an amazing gift. This strong amazing woman had her child born to her stillborn on January 26, 2007. She knows the grief that so many of us suffer and yet she reaches out to us by writing their names in the sand to honor them and all that they mean. On an even happier note, she had a daughter born one year later on January 30, 2008. She provides us with a glimpse of hope in the life of a her newborn daughter, all while remembering and loving the child that she has lost. You can go to her site and see all the beautiful pictures that she has taken here.

When I look at these pictures, how can I not see a god and heaven?

Another Month...

2008-08-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is 7 months since the boys were born...I can't believe another month has passed. When do you stop counting the month anniversaries or are you forever waiting for that specific date each month? Do you stop after the one year mark or is it something that eventually just subsides as time passes? What is God's plan for me? For Kevin? For us? Does he want us to remember these days every month with such a vivid pain just so that we will be reminded of how fragile and precious life is? Is his plan for us to have more children? Or was this his way of telling us to only put all of our love and life in to our most cherished gift of life, Mackenzie? Is he trying to tell me that I would be too overwhelmed or not be able to manage 3 young children? Is he preparing me and Kevin for something greater? What is that he wants or expects or needs of me? Have I suffered enough or do I have more to endure at his hand? Am I just suppose to except what has happened and what will happen in the future without question? Or am I allowed to question with the understanding that some day when I meet my maker, he will allow me to understand his reasoning behind our loss? If I question does that mean that I won't be allowed in to the gates of heaven for not putting 100% of my faith behind his decision? So, many question...

Being Proud

2008-08-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

I am feeling really proud of myself and of Kevin. It has been almost 7 months since the boys died and I feel like together we have really weathered this awful storm. Is the storm over...not by any means but I feel like we have gotten through the worst part of it and we did it together. There were times when we weren't always on the same page but we always found our way back to each other and I am proud of us for not losing each other. Are we going to have our moments where we drift apart? Probably, but I know they will be brief and that we will always find our way back to each other. I know that Kevin's love for me and mine for him will endure this storm.

I am proud of how far I have come in my grief. I look back to those first few weeks and I honestly didn't think I would ever really "live" again. I thought I would just be stuck in bed crying for the rest of my life but I forced myself to little by little see all the good that I truly have in my life and I do have so very much to be thankful for. Does that mean that I am "all better"? NO. However, I have made up my mind to really try to make peace with not having the boys here alive with us. It will not be an over night "understanding" but it is something that I am consciously attempting to do. I also know that while I am learning and attempting to embrace this new life instead of fighting it that I will have days were I take steps backwards. I will have days where I might start crying but I know that the tears will stop and I will find happiness in Mackenzie and Kevin. I have been told by other grieving mothers that it just takes time and that the first couple of years are the most difficult. Yes, the first couple of YEARS not just the first couple of months, which makes me feel better about where I am on my own journey. They also told me that I may start to feel "pretty good" for a few days or even a few weeks and then out of know where something or anything can just trigger an immense sadness, fear or anger about their death all over again. So, I write this to remind myself that I am doing okay and to not put too much pressure on myself to be "all better". That it is okay if I take a step backwards because I know eventually I will also take 2 steps forward. That I can feel proud of myself for being happy and not disappointed in myself for letting the tears flow. That I can struggle with my faith without feeling guilty because I know that eventually I will have to make peace with my God. I can be proud of myself for living through this awful heartbreaking loss of Declan and Lucas without also losing myself, Kevin and Mackenzie.

Remembering

2008-08-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

I hate not being able to sleep. I hate this weight that I feel on my shoulders and my chest. I hate the fact that when I think of the boys, I don't always cry any more. I hate that I know that time and life has moved on without them. I hate that I can go out in public and strangers see myself, Kevin and Mackenzie as this happy family of three. We are not a family of three, we are a family of five with two of our children missing. I want for everyone to know that I have three children not just one but three. I don't want them to assume that we have the perfect life because we don't, we have been rocked to the core of our souls. I want for them to understand how painful it is to try to live without the both of them. To think about all of the things that we are missing out on by them being gone. I hate that I am learning to live without them and that is all that I can do for them. I can be the best mom and wife for Mackenzie and Kevin because that is what they deserve and that is what the boys would want. I hate that after almost seven month without them, that I am starting to live a "new" and "happy" life. I feel guilty because I don't want them to ever believe that I could forget them or that I am "over them" just because I don't cry all time or because I smile more. As time move on, I am still grieving, I am still sad, I am still heartbroken but I also am happy when I look in to the eyes of Mackenzie and Kevin. It has been almost seven months and it is hard to believe how far I have come in my grief. There are still days when I am overcome with sadness, like tonight, but there are more days when I am starting to see the happiness around me.

I am tired of trying to please everybody. I am tired of worrying about hurting other people's feelings or saying the wrong thing or not doing the right thing when it comes to the way that myself and Kevin are dealing with the death of our sons. It has not even been seven months yet and I am tired of feeling like people are mad at me or that I am causing drama or that I am being oversensitive for not being ready to do things or for needing the extra encouragement to enjoy life. I am tired of feeling like I am the only one grieving when I know that it is tearing Kevin up on the inside. I hate that all eyes are on me because I am the woman, when I know all that Kevin is going through. This happened to the both of us and he needs to be allowed to be sad, angry and frustrated. But, even more importantly, he needs to be allowed to talk about them with someone besides me. It hurts me to know that he very rarely gets that chance because he is rarely asked about them.

I am tired of people trying to fix me. No one but another parent whom has lost a child can even begin to understand what we have lost. I lost not one but two children and I think I am entitled to grieve for as long as it takes me. They may not have been on this earth for a very long period of time but the impact that they have left on me is beyond words none the less. So I am entitled to cry, when I think about the fact that I did not get to give them a kiss tonight and put them to bed. I am entitled to be sad, when I think about all that Kevin, Mackenzie and I are missing out on without the both of them here. I am entitled to be a bit envious of other families of five, when it is all that I have wished and prayed for. I am entitled to be irritated, when I hear people complain about their infants not sleeping. I am entitled to mourn them for however long it takes me without the pressure of feeling like I have passed the allotted amount of grieving time.

I will however, never tire of talking about Declan and Lucas or loving them.

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~

Vacation

2008-08-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that our vacation is over...how quickly time flies by. This was a tough vacation for me...I wasn't sure that I really wanted to go. It felt bittersweet. It was something that I think Kevin and I really needed for us as a couple. At the same time, it was tainted in the fact that we wouldn't have taken this trip if the boys were here with us. It is hard for me to not think that way. Things would be so very different if the boys were here and I know that in my mind I have to stop thinking that way but making my heart do that is entirely different story.

The trip was nice and we had fun as hard as that is to believe. We were able to laugh and talk almost like before everything had happened. We actually talked about how far we have progressed in these last few months. I really didn't think that I would be where I am today looking back at the first few days after the boys died. I still have lots of questions and I still have my moments of tears and anger but I also am starting to smile and laugh more. I am starting to allow myself to remember them and love them without letting it consume me like it was doing before. This is not easy by any means but I am trying and that is all I can do.

I did find myself becoming anxious on the ride home and even this first day home. Being home is always tough because it is a constant reminder of what we lost and the pain we feel. Being away, we didn't forget but we allowed ourselves to be so busy that it wasn't as constant a thought. I have felt myself on the verge of tears these last few days but they have yet to come...instead I have a headache which I know is my bodies way of telling me to let go and cry. I guess I am just tired of crying and I am tired of the heavy feeling in my chest but the reality is you can't fight grief. The grief at some point will win and I will cry again...but for today, I fight back the tears.

A beautiful gift

2008-08-06T17:56:00.000-07:00

Today, I received the most beautiful and heartfelt gift for the boys. Easily, my best friend in the whole world, Heather, made the boys this beautiful piece of artwork for their grave site. She bought some small letters, painted, and then decorated them so that they would spell our last name plus the word angels. It is so beautiful and such an amazing gift that she would think of the boys in this way. I also am so glad that she wanted to visit their grave site with me. It just meant so much that she wanted to share in what they meant to myself and Kevin. She wants to not only acknowledge them but remember them with us which means more than I can put into words. She truly is a special person and I treasure her friendship so very very much. She has been such a strong support to me through all of this and I can not even begin to know how to repay her.

Heather,

You are such an amazing person and friend. Your gift today was amazing and visiting the boys with me meant the world. Lunch and chatting was just an extra bonus! I also love when you send me cards out of the blue to cheer me up and make me laugh. I have kept every single one. I love you!

Love,
Melissa

Song Lyrics...

2008-08-04T22:36:00.000-07:00

Since the boys died, I have found great comfort in music. On those days and nights, when all I need is a good cry, I find music helps. I have come to rely on these songs, almost like I would an old friend. Someone to listen to me cry as I sing through the tears and someone to respond back to me through the lyrics that go straight through right to my heart. I know that these songs won't judge me for crying once again or won't tire of me talking to them about the boys. They won't tell me it is time to move on but instead they touch me on such a personal level. Sometimes, I feel as if they were written for me and me alone. The following song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan is one that when I sing it the tears often flow deeply. I literally can picture myself questioning or feeling or doing all that she sings about....

ANGEL

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

How many times have I begged for a second chance to do it over. Praying that I can hold on to the memories that seem to be seeping away. To be empty of the pain and sadness that I brought to our family. Wondering how I could ever be at peace with what happened? This endless fear of losing another child. Feeling like I live in my own internal madness. Picturing all the times that I have literally been brought to my knees. Knowing that every time, I go to the cemetery, I am brought to my knees once again.

Yes, this song speaks to me because this is me...this is the internal struggle that I live everyday. I can put on a smile, I can laugh, I can make small talk, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss them every second of every single day. That doesn't mean that I am done grieving. It just means that I am getting good at controlling my grief and hiding my sadness.

Another Letter...

2008-08-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

July 31, 2008

Dear Declan and Lucas,

I can’t believe that it has been 6 months since you were here with us. At times it feels like this has been the longest 6 months of my life. I feel like I have aged a lifetime in only 6 short months. Yet, there are times when I can’t believe that it has been 6 months because it feels like only yesterday when I was in the operating room, waiting to see you both.

I wanted to tell you that I think you both were so beautiful. You had these innocent little faces and tiny round noses. Your fingers curled so lightly around our fingers and your toes, well they were so adorable. You had these tiny little feet and long toes. You were so small yet, when I look at your pictures it doesn’t seem like you were all that little. I know that in reality you were extremely small but in the pictures you look so perfect, so whole that it is sort of deceiving just how tiny you were. I remember looking at you in your diapers and smiling at how big they were on you. I kept thinking how ridiculous they looked on the both of you but that in time you would grow out of them and move on too much bigger sizes.

Your papa had a dream about the both of you and he told me that you told him that you thought I was great mommy and that you were with me always. I know that you are with me in my heart always I just wish I had you physically here with me too. I wish I could pick you up to hug and kiss. I hope that you watch over our family and see that we miss you so much. I pray that watch Mackenzie and keep her safe from harm. I wish you could help me mend daddy’s broken heart. It is so hard for me to see him cry over the both of you. I wish I knew how to take his pain away and how to make the tears stop but I don’t know what to do or say.

Please know that you have touched and changed our lives more than we ever could think was possible. You have given the meaning of life a greater purpose. You make me want to be a better human being to really make a change no matter how small. I wish I knew if I was making a difference but that is probably not the point? Not knowing that you are making a difference, but doing it anyway.

I love you both and will continue to write you both. All the hugs and kisses I could possibly give you are being sent your way.

Love,
Mommy

Painting

2008-07-29T14:58:00.000-07:00

I will probably end up painting over it and starting again, but here is the first draft...

I love the picture of Declan's feet.

Besides journaling, I have been trying to paint to help me through this experience. It has been really difficult trying to put in to a painting all that I am feeling. I see things that trigger ideas for me but then when it comes time for me to paint, I feel that what I have created is so inadequate. I am so disappointed by the outcome because it just isn't what I had envision in my mind. I can see it so clearly yet, to create it on a canvas is so disappointing because it just doesn't live up to what I want to so desperately portray.

I sit here night after night trying to remember what the boys felt like. I hold on to their hospital blankets and bring them to my noise to smell them, but all I smell is that horrible hospital smell. I want to smell them...to smell a baby, to smell life but all I smell is death. I look through their photos and try to examine them ever so closely so that I can see all the little details that I missed while they were alive. The lines of their feet, the folds of their ears, the details of their hands and the smiles on their faces. How I wish i could do it all over, to have another day, another hour, another minute... So, I paint or draw to the point of where I almost feel manic. I just have to do it at that instances and it has to be finished immediately so that I can purge myself of the anger and sadness.

It has been 6 months since I laid in my hospital room, numb from the death of not one but both of my sons. I laid there and said nothing.... It has been 6 months and once again, what more is there really for me to say... nothing.

6 Months

2008-07-27T19:09:00.000-07:00

I love you Declan and Lucas

I can't believe it has been sick months since you were here with us. 6 Months ago around this time, I was in the operating room crying because I knew it was just too soon. I knew you were just too small and fragile to becoming in to this hard world. 6 months ago I heard you cry for the very first and last time. I try to replay that sound over and over again in my head, wanting to hold on to that noise you made with all my heart. 6 months ago I saw you move all on your own and touched you for the first time. 6 months ago you were alive and I was so in awe of your perfectness and beauty. 6 months ago seems like only yesterday and yet my life has changed so dramatically. I just can't believe it has been 6 long and yet short months? What more can I say...My heart is still broken and aches so desperately for you both. My tears feel just as strong and hot as they did in that operating room. The only difference is that 6 months ago you were here and today you are not, I still have trouble grasping that and understanding how this happened. 6 months ago I fell in love with you and 6 month later I love you even more.

FEAR

2008-07-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

Mackenzie has been sick all week with a fever and I can honestly say, that I have been scared. Ever since the boys died, I have this intense fear of losing her. I check on her constantly at night to make sure she is still breathing...to the point where I actually will shake her a little bit to wake her up. Last night, her temperature was about 102.5 and I was so worried. I never use to be this way...I mean I would worry but not feel panicked. I am so panicked that my chest is heavy, my heart is racing and I feel like I can't get a deep breath. I was so worried last night that I actually crawled in bed with her and watched her sleep until I finally fell asleep myself. I don't know how to get over being so irrational...I just can't bare the thought of losing her, it would kill me.

Today at the doctor's they had to clean her ears with this horrible water machine and I about lost it. Just thinking about watching her having this water pushed into her ears and coming out her nose and mouth makes my chest hurt so bad. I was near the point of tears in the office because I just didn't want her to be so upset and so afraid. I wanted to protect her and so I finally told the nurse that, that was enough even though they weren't finished. It was horrible and I hate that I let them do that to her. I called Kevin and was shaking because of all that happened and they couldn't even tell me if she has an ear infection or not. I just want to know why she has this fever...I am beginning to think these crazy thoughts about her being horrible sick and not being able to make her better. Not being able to save her, just like we couldn't save the boys. I hate this fear that is consuming me...I hate knowing that death can strike your family and their is nothing that I can do to stop it. I hate that this perfect little fairytale doesn't exist and I know what it is like to be caught in the nightmare.

Sweet Michael

2008-07-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

I went to hang my student's artwork today for the summer art show and met another art teacher in the district whom had her son with her. I told her how adorable I thought he was and asked what his name was in which she replied, Michael. I then asked how old he was because he was such a big kiddo and she told me he was going to be 6 months old and that he was born on January 25th. When she said the date my heart literally dropped...I just stared at him, trying to imagine my sons at that age, being that big?

I barely managed to keep my composure, finished hanging my work and left. When I got to my car, I just sort of sat there for a few minutes, thinking over how healthy her son is. The entire ride home, I kept thinking how close in age our children would have been. How I was in the hospital the same time as her but for very different reasons and very different outcomes. I wondered would the boys and her son, would they have been friends at some point in their lives? Would they have been in the same kindergarten class and graduated high school together?

It was so heartbreaking to know that her beautiful little boy, Michael, will have the opportunity to experience all of these things and my sons will not. They will never wave good-bye on that first day of school, they will never ride their first bike, they will never have their first kiss, they will never go to the prom, they will never graduate high school, they will never graduate college, they will never get married and they will never feel me hug or kiss them ever again. There just are so many things that they will never get to do nor will myself or Kevin ever get to see them accomplish.

I wanted so badly to tell her to treasure every moment, every second. To take a zillion pictures, even when he doesn't want her too. To tell him everyday, how important he is and how much she loves him, no matter what. To smoother him with hugs and kisses. To always tell him how proud she is of him and all of his accomplishments, no matter how small. To help him live a life of happiness and not take any of it for granted. But, I didn't...I didn't want to break down...I didn't want to come across as the crazy lady. Plus, she is a mom so, from the moment he was conceived, she probably already knew to do all of these things.

It's over

2008-07-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

Today, I realized that I am holding on to the fantasy that the boys are possibly going to be with me. At some point, I have to let go of that fantasy and really come to terms with the reality that they are no longer here. I have the scar and I have their foot prints on me to prove that they lived and that is what I have to hold on too. I don't have them to hold on to and I never will, at least not here on this earth. I can't think about how no one congratulated me because they weren't alive long enough for that to happen. I guess it wouldn't have been appropriate for them to do so considering the circumstances. I want so badly to hold on to them here alive but that is just not going to happen, no matter how hard I cry, pray or wish. They are physically gone and they are never coming back. I can't continue to play the what if game because that is literally killing me on the inside. It is so hard...letting go.

No Congratulations...

2008-07-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

Declan fighting...

Declan's tiny feet.

Holding Lucas

Lucas wearing Kevin's wedding band.

This has been weighing on my mind lately and I just don't know why...well, I do know why and I guess it just hurts too much to really admit it. I realized that when I gave birth to Declan and Lucas, nobody told me Congratulations. I know that it sounds so silly to be dwelling on such a simple word or gesture but even the nurses or the doctors didn't say anything. They didn't say Happy Birthday to the boys or anything happy or positive. I know that it was an intense emergency situation and they were trying to stabalize the boys and myself but it just seems so sad when I think about it. Here, I brought two beautiful little boys alive in to this world and yet, I feel like everyone has forgotten that this ever happened. I feel like everyone knew that it was going to be heartbreaking and tragic from the minute they were born so, I didn't deserve to be congratulated because in essence I had failed in this pregnancy. I had failed my sons in the most horrible way possible, they died because of my pathetic body.

After the boys had died, everyone told me how sorry they were for our loss and it was so final, like it never happened...like I was never pregnant. So many people, just don't see my loss as really the death of my two children, they see it more as having a miscarriage. It just isn't the same, I gave birth to them, they were alive outside of me for 2 days, and I held them as they took their final breathes. Kevin and I had to make the decision that no parent should ever have to make but we had to decide to take them off of all of their life supporting machines. They were my children, I held them, I loved them, I touched them, I talked to them, I kissed them, I cried over them, I watched them die and my heartbroke with each of their deaths. Yet, never once was I congratulated for giving birth and bringing such beautiful life in to this world. There was never a birth annoucement or even a death annoucement...it was like it never happened.

I have friends and family whom have never asked me about the boys. I know that it is the "elephant" in the room but it just hurts to know that people don't care enough about us to put themselves in an uncomfortable place and ask...the worst we could say is that we don't want to talk about it. But, that would never happen because they are our sons and it makes us so proud to talk about them even on the most difficult of days.

I have to be honest, if someone would have congratulated me after one or both of the boys had died, I probably would have not known how to respond. I guess, I just wish that I would have heard it right after they were born, just for the simple fact that they were alive and had a fighting chance. Who knows maybe someone did and I just don't remember it...I guess I am just dwelling and wishing that things would have been so different. Tonight, I am just sad and heart broken and this is the issue that I have for some reason focused on.

People say that your heart can't actually break but those people have never had their children die before them. I can actually remember my heart breaking over the death of both my sons. It is a physical pain like no other that actually takes your breath away. I remember vividly with Lucas, watching him breath on his own and then it stopping. I remember the nurse coming over and checking to see if his heart had stopped and it was at that point when his heart stopped, that the final piece of my heart broke in two. After the physical pain subsides, the numbness takes over and you go through your days in a fog. Eventually, the numbness wears off but the pain in my chest like the one tonight comes and goes without a moments notice. It catches you by surprise and hits you like a ton of bricks. These moments are the worst because you are not expecting them and you are caught completely off guard. My only reaction is to sob beyond control and pray that the numbness takes over again.

A Finished Room!

2008-07-12T19:28:00.000-07:00

She loves Elmo!

We will be singing the Winnie the Pooh song.

I left one of the original bears from the nursery and then add 2 angel bears to watch over her.

I finally finished Mackenzie's big girl room. It was bittersweet...she has a room to call her own but at the same time the nursery is gone. I am really excited for her to see it finished, I hope she likes it?

Crying over Winnie the Pooh?

2008-07-11T07:01:00.001-07:00

This morning, I feel like I have completely lost it. I am sitting here with Mackenzie watching her favorite show, My Friends Tigger and Pooh, while she eats cereal for the second time. She loves when the show begins because she gets to sing the song at the begining and while I sing it with her, I just start crying. I don't know maybe because I haven't cried really very hard this week and I had this build up of emotion but I feel crazy! I guess I just started thinking that I won't get to sit here with the boys and sing this silly song with them while, they shovel handfuls of Cherrios in their mouth.

Maybe, because last night I sat and looked at pictures of Declan and Lucas for about an hour so the the images and memories are extremely vivid today. It is becoming easier to look at the pictures and I am so grateful for that. Somedays, I feel like I could look at the pictures all day long so that it will help me remember what they really looked like and felt like? I hate having only 2 days worth of memories, it just isn't enough. I hate that I didn't spend more time with them in the NICU, I shouldn't have slept, I should have stayed with them and because of that I have even less memories.

It is just hard today as I watch Mackenzie playing with her toys. She is so beautiful and I just wish she had the boys to interact with and love. I wish we all had the boys here with us. So today, I will go to the cemetary to sit with the boys and talk about what has been going on in our lives for the last few weeks. I will sit there as if I were at the park having a good day with my sons but, instead I am at the cemetary and feeling just sad, angry and heartbroken. Today, I will cry at least one more time...

Moving Forward...

2008-07-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

I decided it was time get rid of our nursery. So, I painted over the nursery room paintings and am changing that room in to a big girl room for Mackenzie. It was really hard to paint over all of the bears that I had created but it was time to face the fact that we don't have any babies in our house. It was time for me to realize that I can't let Mackenzie live in the shadow of the boys. I want so badly to have a baby in the house but Mackenzie is not that baby, she is our beautiful little girl who is growing up so quickly. It is time for me to let go of the nursery...as hard as it is the reality of having our two beautiful baby boys in our home is over.

Saying that is so hard, so sad and so frustrating. I want so badly to be a mother to 3 living children, it breaks my heart to not have the opprotunity to rock them in the room that would have been theirs. I would give my life to switch places with them and let them be here with all of those that love them. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I just would have closed my eyes during my c-section and let go? I wanted to close my eyes but Kevin kept talking to me and bringing me back to the reality of this world. I wonder if I would have just let go would it have been an even trade, would they be here being loved by their daddy and Mackenzie? But, sadly I am here and they are not... So, all I can do is paint something new and try to be a good mom to Mackenzie which is hard because I often feel like a failure to her and the boys. At least, I can give her a room that makes her smile.

I remember not wanting to come home. Wanting to go anywhere but home because my home was suppose to be busy and noisy with three children but I knew that it was going to silent. Before I came home my mom and mother-in-law put all the baby stuff away for me. I imagine that was pretty deafing and difficult for the both of them. I remember being frantic about wanting everything in the house put back to the exact way it was before we started preparing for having 2 more children in the house. I kept thinking if everything is back to the way it originally was then I can pretend this didn't happen. I will then be able to feel like "normal" and I won't have to be reminded of the boys and that they aren't here. Then there were all the flowers and the plants...god, I hated those stupid plants and flowers. It was a reminder of something that is alive and growing while my boys are not. Yet, I still water them and actually get upset if I think one of the plants is not doing well.

Over the months, I kept walking in to the nursery only to be reminded that it really isn't a nursery anymore. We don't have any babies in our home so we don't need a nursery. So, I got out the paint and attempted to erase the pain away. I have come to the conclusion, the paintings are gone but the pain is going to be here forever.

Pictures of the girls...

2008-07-02T15:18:00.001-07:00

Maddy

Katie

Us Girls

Bittersweet...

The Road Less Traveled

2008-07-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I talked about what path to take on my journey and today, I choose that path. I choose to try to close a chapter in my grief by going to see my twin nieces. To say that this was an easy task would be a lie. It was really hard to sit in my car for an hour, walk up to the door and push the doorbell but, it had to be done...it was time. The anticipation of this event was probably harder than the actual visit itself which was very difficult. As human beings, we envision the worse possible scenario but in reality, it was rather anticlimactic or at least that is how my husband would describe it.

So today, I sat in the car thinking about what it would be like to hold these little girls and tried to imagine what I would feel or say. When I got to the house, I took a deep breath and walk to the door which my sister-in-law opened with a hug and a smile. On the couch sat two beautiful chubby little girls and I was introduced to first Maddy, then Katie. I sat down and picked up Maddy. It was hard to inhale that wonderful baby smell and look in to her eyes. I looked in to both of their eyes and thought I wish I would have gotten to see the boys open their eyes. To really look in to their hearts and their souls. As I looked in to each set of eyes, I saw innocence's and love which is what ever one hopes to see when they look in to the eyes of a child. We talked about the girls schedule, how they have grown, and how they have changed, yet we never really talked about the boys. I guess it is just too hard to talk about the shattered past when you have the future sitting in your lap. It is hard because you don't want to make anyone uncomfortable if they aren't ready to ask about the boys which usually means they aren't ready to hear me talk about them. I just wanted to talk about how beautiful they were, what it was like to hold and love them but instead, I remained silent. Instead, I tried to take in the girl's sounds, their smells and their movements all while trying to focus on who they were not whom I wished they were. I thank God that they were girls because I do think that helped to spare me a little bit of heartache.

At one point, my sister-in-law asked me how the visit was going and if I was glad that I came. As I choked back the tears and looked in to Maddy's face, I knew that I was glad that I had made the trip. My intention was to not only do this for myself but to help re-unite a somewhat split family. I felt like it was my fault for the split in our families and so I had to be the one to start repairing the hole. Is this hole closed? No...but I think it is smaller. Will it ever be closed? I don't know the answer to that question. I do know that I will love these little girls with all my heart not only because of who they are as individuals but because of whom they will always remind me of...Declan and Lucas.

Together again, sort of...

2008-07-01T18:17:00.000-07:00

Well today, I decided that I needed to finish putting the pitcher I broke back together. Today, I worked on it for about 2 hours and went through 3 bottles of superglue, I believe I went through 4 or 5 bottles of glue total. As I sit and look at it, I am reminded that while the pitcher may be whole again it still has lots of cracks and even some pieces missing just like my life. I have come to realize that while I am allowing myself to pick up the pieces since losing the boys, they will never fit perfectly back together. Forever, those two essential pieces will be missing and yet, I will continue to re-build and add on around those empty spaces. As I rub my hands over the rough areas of the pitcher, I am remind that this current path that I am journeying on is a difficult one. At times, there are going to be areas that are jagged and sharp but the love of my family and friends, as well as my faith in seeing the boys again will keep me strong. I know that there will be days that I will feel like my life is a shattered mess of pieces but then again everyone at some point in time has felt this about their own life. I am not unique and I am not alone, everyone has or will be touched by heart break and tragedy at some point in their lives. That is the sad, hard truth. However, it is what we do with the shattered mess of our lives after tragedy has struck that indicates what path we will journey down. Will we curl up in to a ball never to see the light of day or will we fight to put the pieces back together, knowing that life will never be the same as it was once before? I think this is the hardest part, letting go of the past, letting go of the dreams of yesterday or of what should have been. Moving on to our "new" normal even though we wish with all of our hearts to have the "old" life back. We want those dreams back, the ones that were so close to being our reality. I never imagined, dreamed or asked for this path in my life, but it has been laid out before me and I am at a split in the road. Which road will I choose?

A Sign from the Boys

2008-06-28T07:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was having a tough day to say the least. But, last night the door bell rang and it was UPS. They had a small package for me and it was from the March of Dimes. It was a plaque for Kevin and myself saying that our team had raised the most amount of money for the March of Dimes in the Kenosha area. I am so proud of us, all of us! It really helped me last night to process things and I know that it was sent yesterday from the boys to cheer me up. To show me that something good had been accomplished out of this tragedy. I also received a small handwritten thank you from the woman who runs the Wisconsin March of Dimes asking me to join the committee for the lower part of the state. She said, they need more help especially from people who have and can find so much support. So, I will think about it and decide if I want to contribute in more than just the walking part of this tribute to our sons. I think that by giving some time and effort to this cause it will be just another small way to honor the boys.

Today, I hope is going to be a better day. Thank you Declan and Lucas for sending me something that I was so desperately in need of last night. I love you both!

Broken, Beaten, Defeated

2008-06-27T17:54:00.000-07:00

Broken, beaten and defeated pretty much sum up how I feel today. I have cried 4 times already today and I hope that I am done. Today, the boys should have been 5 months old...5 months, I really can't believe that it has been that long. It is so hard to put the we should have been doing this with our boys out of our minds and hearts. It is hard to change that way of thinking...

I went to the cemetery today and of course it rained...fitting for today. I got a letter in the mail yesterday from the fertility clinic asking the outcome of my pregnancy...fitting for this week. So, I had to send back all the "details" of what happened. I got a coupon for Enfamil formula on Tuesday, at least it was just a coupon instead of like when they sent me formula a few months back. Nothing like opening the door to receive a package for the babies you don't have... fitting for this week. I got the bill from the cemetery for the boys marker...again, fitting for this week. I guess when it rains it really does pour...

When I went to the cemetery today, I was hoping for a sense of peace. Today was not that day. Today, I felt agony and dispare over the loss of Declan and Lucas. Today, when I gave them their toy trucks and Pooh stuffed animals, I cried tears of utter disbelief and sadness. Today, when I posted the letter I wrote to them, I didn't read it out loud because I just couldn't find my voice. Today is just hard and yet, I pretend to be okay because that is what my family needs. They need me to be okay for them even on the days that I long for nothing but the boys. Today, I force the smile and talk politely even when I want to scream and yell that I don't care what anyone really has to say today. Today, 5 months ago my sons were born..Tomorrow, Declan dies and Sunday, Lucas dies and I live it over and over and over again each month. Today, I am broken, beaten and defeated...I am so angry with God and again, here come the tears.

Dear Declan and Lucas,
It is hard to believe that 5 months ago, I was in the hospital fighting to hold on to you and keep you safe. Little did I know that a little after 9:00pm, you would be brought into this world regardless of the fact that neither the both of you nor myself wanted that to happen. I often think what if I just would have refused, would it have made a difference had you stayed for another day or two. I want to know why after 3 weeks of fighting for you, did I have to get sick…why then, why not allow me to carry you longer, to really give you a chance? I have all of these whys in my head and I just wish that I could understand the purpose of this journey…of your short lives? As the days continue on, the questions become more consuming, I want answers…I want there to be a purpose to all of this pain and grief. I don’t want for your deaths to be in vain, I want there to be a reason…why us, why you, why not someone else? How horrible of me to say that, I wouldn’t wish this on anybody but at the same time I don’t want to be here either.

I try to remember what that day was like, January 27, 2008. It is hard because I want so badly to remember everything and I get frustrated because I can’t. I remember that you, Declan, would just hang out kicking and sitting right on my bladder. I remember that you, Lucas, would sit under my ribs on the right side and then roll around under them. I remember how quickly everything happened once they decided you had to come out. I remember the fear and the agony of what was the right thing to do for you both. I remember the shock of them telling me that Declan was a boy because we didn’t know the sex of you. I remember the complete and utter shock of hearing Lucas cry because it never really occurred to me that this would happen or even be possible. I remember them not letting me see Declan at all and whisking you away before I even got to know what you looked like. I remember them letting me quickly see Lucas and you gave me a little wave before you left. I remember it taking hours and hours in recovery before they would let me see you both. I remember being taken in to the NICU and being so stunned at how perfect you were in every way. You were so beautiful, so perfect but so very very tiny. I remember touching you that first time and how warm you were. I remember asking you to fight. I remember telling you we would be back in the morning to see you and I remember not wanting to leave. I remember holding you the next day as you took your final breaths. I remember my heart actually breaking and then I remember feeling numb…These are just a few of the things that I remember…the hardest part is wishing that I had more memories. It is not a lot to share with people and I wish I had more of you to share with them. I wish I had you to share with them…

I hope that you both know how much you are missed each and everyday. I think about you everyday and you are the last thing along with Mackenzie that I think about before I go to sleep at night. I look for you in anything and everything around me. Hoping for a chance that you will leave me a clue that you were near by and I will continue to look for those clues for now and forever. I hope that you watch over our family, we have had a tough year and could use some love, hope, faith and a miracle or two… I love you both with all my heart.

Love with Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy

Gratitude

2008-06-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

I have recently received phone calls, emails and posts that have been filled with apologies for things that family and friends feel they didn't do either while we were in the hospital or after losing the boys. While, we appreciate all of the support and kind words, the apologies are just not necessary and I think it is partially my fault for never thanking everyone for all that they did for us. The blame lies between me and god, no one else needs to udder an ounce of apologies for what they "should have done or didn't do." I have had a number of people say, I am sorry we gave you false hope... You didn't, you gave me the strength and courage to fight for 3 more weeks. Without, those three weeks, I would have never given birth to children that were alive. I could have never given them the opportunity to meet their daddy, sister, aunt and grandparents. While, I wish the circumstances were extremely different, I am so very grateful for the short amount of time that we had with the boys and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything in the world. Without your support and prayers, I don't know that we would have had the privilege of meeting our sons and being with them while they took their final breaths.

Where do you begin to thank people for all that they have done for you? How do you thank those that you love for all of their support and prayers during a time of unimaginable pain? Words just seem inadequate and yet that is all I have, my words...

So thank you, thank you for all of your prayers and for asking others to pray for us. Thank you for visiting us in the hospital. Thank you for attending the funeral and sending all of the many many cards. Thank you for your donations both to the NICU foundation at St. Joesph's and for the March of Dimes. Thank you for the endless phone calls of hope and comfort. Thank you for inviting us to go out, even if we declined the invitation. Thank you for the all of the plants and flowers. Thank you for visiting our boys at the cemetery. Thank you to my school and my department for the gift cards and the memorial bricks in honor of the boys. Thank you to anything and everything else that I know I am forgetting.

A special thank you to our parents, without your love, support, and dropping everything at a moments notice to care for us and Mackenzie, we would have not been able to spend those weeks in the hospital and had the opportunity to meet our sons without you. Who unselfishly, rushed to be with us and the boys during their final moments and shared in our most difficult days. To our moms, who spent endless hours with us at the hospital and running back and forth with Mackenzie so we could spend some time with her. To our moms, who did more than we could have ever imagined without even being asked and without an ounce of hesitation. To our parents, for loving us and so desperately wishing they could take the pain away. To my mom, for helping Kevin to make all the big decisions about the boys service when I just couldn't do it.

To my sister, who spent endless hours with us and brought pictures to not only make us laugh but also, make it feel more like home. Who went with the nurses after the boys had passed and helped them take our most treasured pictures of our sons. Who has been my support, my strength and my laughter during these difficult months.

To my uncle Jerry, the Deacon and all of his staff at the funeral home for taking such good care of our sons and providing us with a beautiful final ceremony for the boys. Jerry, will always forever be connect to my sons and hold such a special place in my heart.

To my friend Mary, who did all she could to make sure that work was taken care of and not something that I needed to worry about. Who made sure that our sidewalks and driveway were shoveled. Who came to visit, emailed and called to make sure that I had a sense of "normalcy" and kept me up to date with all the middle school drama. She has become such an amazing friend through the most traumatic of experiences.

To all the strangers whom have reached out to me through prayer, emails and cards with sympathy for our loss and stories about their own loss. These stories have help us to realize that we are not alone in our grief and that while at times the grief seems more than we can bare, we will survive and find our own "new normal".

To everyone else that I may have forgotten, thank you from the bottom of my heart! While, my heart may be broken from the loss of Declan and Lucas, it also swells with love and gratitude for all of you and all that you have done. Thank you, thank you, thank you...

All my love,
Melissa

Happy Birthday Ian!

2008-06-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

My beautiful, kind, strong, brave and above all loyal sister, Abbey, has a friend who is truly struggling today and everyday. Today is her friends boyfriend's birthday. Today, Ian is 25 and I wanted to wish him a happy birthday. Now, most of you are wondering "why" why is this a difficult day for her? Today, like everyday she grieves for Ian because he lost his battle with cancer in January. Today, she is reminded more than ever, that the person she loved more than anything was taken from her before the age of 25. An age where they should have been beginning their lives together. While, I have never met Abbey's friend, I have been told so much about her and am truly amazed by this young woman's strength, courage and love for her Ian. In my opinion, Ian was more than a boyfriend they were like husband and wife. She cared and love this young man like a wife would do for her husband or her children. She spent endless hours helping him, being his strength, making him laugh, giving him the love and support he needed throughout his entire last battle. I often find myself thinking about her and I just wanted her to know how much I admire her strength at such a young age. I don't know many people her age that would so unselfishly put someone above all of their own needs but I do know that Ian was so blessed to have had her in his life. I hope this does not come across to Abbey's friend as arrogance or me assuming I know how she feels because that is by no means my intention. I can never assume to truly know or understand all that she has endured or is enduring just as no one can ever assume to know what I myself am enduring. I do know that grief, anger and sadness over those we have lost is the same in the fact that we just want them back even if it is for just one more minute. We just want to tell them one last time that we love them and to be able to kiss them and hug them. We just want to rid ourselves of any last regrets we didn't do while they were alive.

So, I say to you all don't compare grief, because the loss of child, a sister to breast cancer, a mother who was in poor health, a spouse taken too young or a friend with a terminal illness are all tragedies in their own rights. Don't live life always wishing that you would have done things differently. Love the people that are right in front of you even when they done something that has hurt you, don't take for granted that there will be another day.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance." (Eccl 3:1-4) God never promised us that life would be easy or that we would be spared from pain instead he gave us the ability to make choices. Sometimes the choices are unfortuantely made for us by him, but more often than not, we are allowed to make our own choices in how we live our lives. So, today, I ask that you make the choice to celebrate life and say a prayer to help Abbey's friend find some comfort in what the day brings.Today, I hope that Abbey's friend can find some comfort in her friends and family. I hope that she will laugh and cry tears of joy as she hears or tells stories of Ian. I hope she will dance and celebrate his life and what he meant to her. Today, I hope she finds peace and love as she remembers all that she meant to him.

Happy Birthday, Ian...

The Red Light and Pitcher

2008-06-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

Last week after my therapy appointment, I ran a red light and luckly was not hit by another car. The reason for my running of the red light was the fact that I was so in thought about something that my therapist had asked me to do. She asked me to look at a picture of my twin nieces, she said it was time. It was not something that needed to be done when I got home but it needed to be done soon. While, thinking about what she had asked of me, my phone rang and it was my dad. I don't know why he called at that particular moment because we don't talk on the phone often but I like to assume that he knew I needed someone to talk too. I needed someone to help me back to my reality of being in the car driving and just talk to me about nothing at all. I told him I ran the red light and he was glad I was okay. He asked how therapy went but didn't pry when I told him it just had me lost in thoughts but instead reassured me how glad he was that I had someone to talk to and that it was helping. Then he proceeded to ask me if it was normal to cook a pork roast at 170 degrees. I let out a little chuckle and informed him that the cookbook was referring to the internal temperature of the roast. It was nice because at that moment, I need someone and it happened to be the comfort of my dad.

Well, we finished up our conversation and I began thinking about what my therapist said again. I knew she was right and I felt like I had some how gotten the strength from the sound of my dad's voice to look at their pictures. I wasn't sure what to expect and I wasn't sure if I could really look at more than one but I knew it had to be done at that particular moment. So when I got home, I opened up my laptop and went online to see their pictures. Initially, the pictures on this particular site are very small. It was like baby steps I could kind of see what they looked like but it wasn't big and in my face. I gained more courage and I opened up a picture of the both of the girls being held by their grandpa and just stared at it. Then, the tears began because I thought how beautiful those little girls are and how lucky they are to be loved by their grandpa. Then came the sadness not towards the girls but for my boys. All I could think about was the fact that my dad or Kevin's dad never got to hold Declan and Lucas together like that and they never would. Then came the intense anger at the fact that I never got to hold my own children that way. To feel their breath on my neck or feel their skin on mine. The anger of the fact that my sons will never get to know any of their family nor will we get to know them.

I close the pictures and just continued to shake for a while until I had this overwhelming desire to break something...anything. I saw a pitcher on the table, I felt the weight of it in my hands, I examined it whole and then I just let go. I watched it hit the ground and break into what seemed like a thousand pieces. I just looked at all of those jagged pieces on the ground and thought this is my life. It is no longer whole but instead a thousand jagged pieces waiting to be put back together. I kept thinking their are so many broken pieces how am I ever going to be able to put them all back together. After the tears stopped, I started to clean up the mess I made and was slowly recovering from the bout of anger when I decided that I needed to keep all of the pieces. I had read that breaking something and putting it back together can be very theraputic. I know the breaking part felt great but I don't know about putting it back together? So, I got a bag and in to the bag all of the pieces went. The idea is that as I get stronger and when I feel ready, I can start to put the pieces back together.

A few days later, I decided I needed to really just look at the girls by themselves and I saw nothing more than a picture of two cute little girls. So, I started to put the pitcher back together. The pitcher is not by any means completed nor does that mean that I am still not angry. It just means that for that moment on that day I some how found the strength to start putting back the pieces, but I now there will be days when the pieces fall apart again. Hopefully, it just won't be so many. This pitcher will never look the same, it will forever have pieces missing and just like the pitcher my life will never be the same because Declan and Lucas will always be the missing.

Doing it over..

2008-06-22T22:54:00.000-07:00

I received an email today from my mom and she told me she wishes so much that she could have held the boys while they were alive. My response to her was that I wish that we would have done so many things differently. There were so many things that I wished we would have done with the boys but we just didn't either know that we could or we were too in shock by what was going on to ask. I wish that I would have made it in time to see Declan baptized. I wish that I could have held the boys skin to skin while they were alive. I wish that I could have heard Declan cry. I wish that I would have rubbed my belly more. I wish I would have read them a book. I wish I would have change their diaper. I wish I would have given them a bath and dressed them. I wish I would have had their hands and feet printed in clay. I wish I would have spent more time in the NICU with them so that they knew the sound of my voice or the feel of my touch. I wish I would have hugged and kissed them one last time. I wish I would have said I love you over and over again. I wish that someone would have taken a picture of me with the boys. I wish I had a picture of Mackenzie and the boys. I wish we had a family picture of the 5 of us. I truly wish I could have seen them open their eyes. I never will know what color their eyes were or if they had my eyes or Kevin's eyes. I never got to look into their souls so to speak. And I too wish that their grandparents and sister had gotten to hold them and love them while they were alive. I guess that is why they call it "hind sight". These are all things that I never got to do and will never get to do with them. If I had to do over again, I would do them all and I would breath in every moment, every smell, every look and every touch so that I could hold on to them as long as possible. You never imagine this will happen to you and when it does, there just is never enough time. Why didn't someone tell me to do these things? Why didn't they tell me to slow down and really spend the time with them the right way by doing all of these little things? I now have so many regrets and they are regrets that I will have for the rest of my life because these are the things that I won't ever be able to "do over" with them. I can't fix it, I can't learn from it, I can't make it better, it is over, I can't go back and that literally breaks my heart. I wish I would have been a better mom for those few short days.

Painting

2008-06-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

As I sit here thinking about Declan and Lucas, I stare at the painting I made to remember them. I made it child like so that it would be a picture that everyone that saw it could understand the innocence of children but at the same time not feel uncomfortable looking at it. I love seeing their actual footprints pushed into the clouds as a reminder for me to look up into the sky and see them. I love to go up to the painting and run my fingers over their prints and feel the texture of the paint on my skin. I wouldn't say that it is a master piece or even a high quality painting but that is okay because it is a painting of pure love and emotion. I remember working on it one night when Kevin was gone and my tears just kept dropping on to the canvas and I would just mix them into the paint. I see all the imperfections of this painting and I think about how those imperfections mirror the imperfections of life. This painting is not smooth, it is rough and bumpy just like life. As I sit here and tears flow today, I am attempting to push myself over those rough spots and those bumps that seem like mountains. I am asking god to please help me understand this rough and bumpy path he has put me on. To please show me or at least help me to understand the purpose of this path without my sons.

Out with friends

2008-06-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

So, Kevin and I went out for the first time with friends since the boys had passed. We were both a little nervous because we hadn't seen any of our friends since the boys funeral. We weren't really sure if our friends would be "normal" around us or be uncomfortable like so many other people we have encountered over the months. It was really great to see everyone, I know for Kevin it was great for him to be out with guys and have some laughs. For me, it was great to see the girls and just be able to talk with them about nothing and everything.

It was great to sit and talk with a friend of ours. She too has suffered a great loss this year so it was very comfortable to sit and talk with her about our losses. She was so supportive and asked so many questions about the boys. So few people ask about my sons for fear of either upsetting me, upsetting themselves or just because they don't know how or what to ask. She asked so many questions and really took an interest in allowing me to tell her all of my memories of them which are few but so precious to me. She even wanted to see pictures and commented on how they looked like their daddy. Nobody, ever has asked to see pictures of them and it really made my heart swell with happiness and pride to show them to her. I told Kevin about how she said the boys looked like him and it brought tears to his eyes. I know he wishes that someone would talk with him about the boys (besides me) so he could talk about all of his memories of them but he says it is just different with guys. Its not that they don't care, it is just that they are guys and don't know what to ask or if it is weird to ask questions.

I felt a little uncomfortable talking about my sons in front of a pregnant friend of mine. It is still hard to see pregnant woman because I am envious of their "hopefully" uncomplicated pregnancies. I also don't want any of them to add any undo stress to themselves by worrying that something "bad" could happen to their pregnancy like it did to mine and our boys. Pregnant woman have enough to worry about, my sad story is something they don't need to dwell on. I do appreciate this particular pregnant's friend interest in my sons and their story but right now is not the time for her to know all the details.

I do have to say that while today brought up a lot of emotions, it was so wonderful to talk about Declan and Lucas. It felt so great to show their pictures and be proud of how beautiful they were. While, I was at this party thinking about them, it was different because I was also explaining about the impact that their short lives have left on me, Kevin, our family but I was also able to express the love that we have for them. Thank you Nadia...today, your questions and our conversation meant more than you will ever know. Thank you for allowing me to share my sons with you...thank you for acknowledging how real they were and how much they are truly missed beyond any amount of words.

The Zoo

2008-06-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

Mackenzie and I went to the zoo yesterday with a friend of mine and her daughter. It was a beautiful day and the four of us had fun together. I did notice so many mothers who were either pregnant or with new born babies, which made me sad. I kept thinking how fun it would have been to go to the zoo with all three of my children. It would have taken so much work to get us all ready but it would have been worth every minute of it. Mackenzie would be telling the boys all the different sounds that the animals make and the boys would be smiling or laughing at how silly she would sound. It is such a beautiful image to have and I wish with all my heart it wasn't just a dream, but sadly all it is and ever will be is a broken dream.

Trying Again?

2008-06-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

I went for my yearly exam today and was happy to report that I had lost 6 pounds. It is a start to getting my body healthy not only for myself but for the possiblity of another pregnancy someday. I talked with my OB about the conversation I had with high risk specialist and he was happy to hear that Kevin and I were thinking of trying again. He had been worried that we wouldn't want to have more children, in which he said he understood had we not decided to try again, but was glad to hear that we wanted more because he thought we were great parents. So, I sat there and talked with him about another pregnancy. It was a hard discussion! On the one hand, I want more children but on the other, the FEAR is so intense. What would we do if this were to happen again? Would we survive this again as a family as a couple? The death of a child or in our case two children puts a strain on your relationship no matter how strong or how long that relationship has been together.

I was thinking about being pregnant again and this sadness just came over me. A sadness of how my next child will never know his or her brother's. A sadness of will I be happy about being pregnant? Will I ever be over the fear of losing another child. Being pregnant is suppose to be a happy time, but I can honestly say that I have never been anything but scared, frustrated and often emotionally exhausted during all 5 of my pregnancies. I just want to be able to truly enjoy being pregnant without the fear, heartache and sadness. I want the fairytale that we are told about as young girls, the one where you having a family is easy and blissful, not fearful and heartbreaking.

So, Kevin and I will try to get pregnant on our own without the help of fertility meds for a while. My cycles are already out of whack but I hope with the exercise and weight loss maybe we will be blessed or atleast get lucky and be able to have a baby the old fashion way. I am nervous about that too...I don't want it to become a "chore" or frustrating if month after month no pregnancy. I know men don't tend to think that way when it comes to sex but, I know that I do at least right now. I equate sex to baby which is not good for our relationship, so I have to remember to enjoy our intimacy and be okay with whatever god has in store for us...easier said than done.

One last thought that has been weighing on my mind is how people will react if I am blessed with another pregnancy? I mean I have had people make comments to me about being blessed that I have Mackenzie which is true but that doesn't mean that I don't want more. I wonder, if people will think that I am selfish to put myself, my husband, our family through a situation like this again that is if things were to go wrong again? I guess I wonder that because I often wonder if it is a selfish act to want more children after suffering such a tremendous loss? Today, I have a heavy heart and a mind full of unanswered questions.

Marker

2008-06-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

I never thought in a million years that I would be purchasing a marker for my sons grave in the cemetary. As, I write these words it still seems surreal to me? How can I be actually purchasing this for them instead of purchasing adorable clothes to put on them? Well, I have been emailing with the cemetery on how to purchase a marker, what color, what to put on it, cost, and how long it will take. I have been sent photos of various designs, colors and layouts. It is a long process because I want it to be just right. Part of the problem is that we are required a specific size marker because the boys were buried in the infant section of the cemetary so the plots are very small, as you can imagine. Well, we had the boys buried together so, having both of their names, birthdates and deathdates is going to be a tight squeeze on those small marker. The cemetary and the lovely man that I have been working with have agreed to let us have a slightly larger marker to fit all of the boys information on...I just wanted to thank them so much for granting us this small but truly important gift. We just want this marker to be perfect...I guess as perfect as you can imagine for a childs grave. Now, we wait...wait for it be finished, placed into the ground and for their final resting place to be completed...

The Day Is Finally Over

2008-06-14T19:16:00.001-07:00

The day is finally over
And the both of you are gone.
Life moves on without you
And the sun will rise before the dawn.

Today, I rocked without you
And missed you both so very much.
I thought my heart would break apart,
As I went through all your stuff.

The tears began to flow like water,
A silent rain that never ends.
I wonder aloud in your room, "Why God"
Why did their little lives have to end?

The answers he could not tell me,
As I sat wanting to hold you tight.
The day is finally over,
Will you visit me in my dreams tonight?

Author: Melissa DeCabooter

At Peace...

2008-06-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

Today, as I watch Mackenzie laugh and chase the dog around the yard, I felt the boys with me. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing a gentle breeze. I heard the chimes ring out just a litttle and saw the swings moving. At that moment, I could hear their laughter in the chimes, feel their warmth in the breeze and see them sitting on the swings. For that brief moment, it was such a calm sense of happiness and peace. For that moment, I could feel the love of all three of my children and see them in my back yard. For that moment, I thank your lord, for giving me that moment.

Everything has changed...

2008-06-13T20:14:00.001-07:00

Today, I was thinking how everything has drastically changed since losing the boys. The way I feel, the way I look, my relationships with my husband, my friends, my family. I started thinking about the holidays and how they will never be the same...the dream is gone and can never be replaced. How I was looking so forward to Christmas this year, having 3 kids to shower with gifts and sit on Santa's lap. How fun and exciting it was going to be at my in-laws with not just our set of twins but with my brother-in-laws set of twins. Now, I will see those babies and ask "why" did you have to take our children lord? I had so much love to give them but I didn't get the chance. Instead, I see these other beautiful twin girls who are the same age as my sons and I am reminded of what we are missing out on. We are missing out on changing diapers, midnight feedings, rocking, first smiles, sitting, crawling, walking, mama, dada, and so many hugs and kisses...I ask again Lord, WHY? I would give anything to hold them again, we didn't have enough time, enough memories, enough pictures, enough love, enough hugs and kisses...Now, all we have are tears.

Father's Day is approaching

2008-06-05T19:17:00.000-07:00

Well, Father's Day is only a little over a week away and I just am so nervous. I got Kevin a gift from Mackenzie and the boys and I am so worried as to how he is going to react? It is a drawing of Mackenzie holding her brothers and I want it to be special but I also don't want to blind side him. I don't know if I should tell him about it before he opens it or if I should just let him open it. I also wrote this poem for the boys and am going to re-write it in caligraphy for him, then have it framed for our office.

For a Few Short Days

For a few short days
All we could do was beg and pray.
Please God just let them live,
Please God just let them stay.

For a few short days
He answerd our prayers.
We saw you, we touched you,
We held you, we LOVED you.

For a few short days, you fought so bravely.
But as the hours passed by,
We realized that death was going to take you,
The time was approaching for us to say our good-byes.

Within a few short days,
You changed our lives.
This the both of us will never forget,
Our two little boys who had once lived and whom we had once met.

For those few short days have left us
and God has taken you away.
All we have left are the memories
and pictures from those days.

For those few short days have changed us,
You have left your footprints upon our souls.
In our hearts, you will always remain,
The babies that we had but never got to know.

Those few short days are over.
Yet, mommy and daddy we remain
and though our arms are empty,
We will always cry your names.

Good-Bye is not forever,
for one day we will meet.
But until that day has found us,
Please know with all our heart.
We love you both so very much
and we wish we never had to part.

A few short days we held you
and now the dreams are gone.
But your love will never leave us
and this I know is true
I love you is forever
and forever is when we come home to you.

Author: Melissa DeCabooter

Tomorrow

2008-06-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the birthday to two little boys named Ethan and Blake. These beautiful little boys would have been 3 months old tomorrow. Like my sons, they were twins born to early around 24 weeks. I hope that their wonderful mom, Devon, and her family find some peace tomorrow on this difficult day. While, I would never wish this pain on anybody, I am so grateful that I have found her because her pain is mine. She understands my irrational thoughts, anger and sadness like no other.

Devon, I wish you a kind day. A day where you can cry for your sons but find laughter in your daughter. A day where you can let go of balloons up to heaven, sending your sons the love and comfort they deserve. I know the next few days will continue to be especially difficult and I am thinking of you as always.

Wondering...

2008-06-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

I have so many questions about god right now. I was raised Catholic but don't consider myself to be a follower of the Catholic religion. I have always had a strong faith or belief in god and heaven, I guess I figured why not believe that there is a place where there is not pain, suffering or tragedy like the world we live in. I thought that if I prayed and attempted to be a good person then good things would happen to me. I guess I thought, if I showed god that I didn't take all the wonderful things in life that he gave me for granted, then I would be blessed with more happiness. I never imagined that he would take my children from me, I feel like I am being punished for some sin that I have committed? I read other blogs and I am at times at a loss for words because these woman and their families have had such terrible family losses yet they are still strong in their faith and their devotion to god. I don't understand how they can have this faith...I understand that they question it at times but for the most part that unwaivering faith in gods will is there. If god is this gracious wonderful being, why does he take the ones that we love from us? Why does he give children to families who don't want them or abuse them? What is the purpose of granting us only a few short days with our kids to take them so quickly from us, why not take them earlier or never allow us to have them? Please understand I am so grateful and would not trade those few days that I had with my sons but I still question...what was the reasoning of only granting me with their love for just those few short days? If anyone, can help me with ideas or views on god, faith, religion...it doesn't matter to me what religion you are, I just want to find some peace in understanding why this happened.

Tired

2008-05-29T18:25:00.001-07:00

Today, I am so tired. I have zero energy or want to do much with life today. I miss my old life...life before the saddness, the exhaustion, the anger and the bitterness. I miss those dreams of my sons playing with my daughter. Of how exciting the holidays were going to be this year and of how my family was going to work with three children under the age of two. I miss the idea of how crazy it was going to be at our house with three little ones running around. I miss Lucas. I miss Declan. I miss being happy and carefree. I am tired and I know I am depressed but I don't know how to make life better. I don't know how to get the energy to play with my daughter or to spend time with my husband. All I know is how to get out of bed and wander thru my day. I love you Lucas. I love you Declan. I'm sorry Kevin and Mackenzie for not being all that you need me to be today....

My story

2008-05-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I figured since I just started this blog that I should give a little background about my life and why this blog is so important to me. Why I need this as an outlet for my grief. I married my husband after 5 years of dating and we have been married for going on 5 years now. He is the most amazing man and I am so lucky to have him. He is my best friend and truly my better half. As we were planning our wedding, we talked about having a family like most young couples do and what we envision for ourselves. We wanted to have our kids young and have 2-4 of the running around the house pretty close in age. Well, about 4 months after we got married, I was pregnant and being excited about it I told my family but it ended with a miscarriage at about 8 weeks. I was upset but I knew that it wasn't meant to be for whatever reason and we would try again as soon as we could. We tried again almost immediately but this time it took 9 months to get pregnant. Again, around the 8 week mark, it ended in miscarriage. This time I was devastated and starting to worry that something was wrong? Of course, the doctors say not to worry until it has happened 3 times... boy, that is a reassuring statement...go through hell 3 times and then we will help you. Once again, about 6 months later, I got pregnant and it ended in miscarriage at 7 weeks. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I remember thinking, I am never going to be able to have my husbands children. My hopes and dreams were becoming more and more broken. This is where my fertility story begins.

We went to a fertility specialist and they ran all the tests they could think of on both my husband and myself. It turns out that I had a clotting factor, scar tissue from a D&C I had with one of my miscarriages and a septum (fibrous lining of the uterus which I was born with) so, needless to say I had to have surgery. I had surgery to remove the septum and scar tissue in November of 2005. We used some fertility medication to regulate my out of whack cycles and were pregnant in January. To say this pregnacy was uneventful would be an understatement. I had ovarian hyperstimulation (bed rest from week 5 to week 7), then bleeding (bed rest from week 12 to week 20), pre-mature labor (bed rest from week 32 to 36) and then a c-section at 36 weeks due to problems with my delivery. Needless to say, it was worth every second of being terrified, stressed, mentally and emotionally exhausted because I have my amazing daughter Mackenzie!

After going through all the miscarriages and fertility stuff, we decide when Mackenzie was 5 months that we would try to get pregnant on our own. We had been told that sometimes pregnancy can regulate your body and maybe we could do it on our own. Well, after 4 months of trying and my cycles being all messed up, we decided to try the fertility meds again for help. This time, we went for a lower dose in hopes of preventing the ovarian hyperstimulation and other complications that the meds can cause. Well, on the first try it worked and we were blessed with triplets!!! I was in shock...how did we get triplets this time when we used a lower dose of medication? Well, here is where our story begins to take its downward spiral again.

I was really upset about having triplets but it was out of the question to terminate any of the fetus's in my opinion. How could I pick which one to get rid of??? I just couldn't do that but at the same time, I kept thinking I had so many complications trying to carry just one baby how am I going to carry 3? It turns out that one of the sacs never developed a heartbeat and it is horrible to say but I was relieved because I thought well now maybe my body can give these other two babies a chance. I think this is why everything went wrong because after everything I went through and prayed for, I was now relieved that it was twins instead of triplets. Because this sac didn't develop, I started to miscarry that baby so I was placed on bedrest for almost 3 weeks to see if the other babies would remain or if I would miscarry them all. The bleeding stopped and the rest of my pregnancy went smoothly until that dreaded day in January! At 19 weeks, I stopped working which was recommended by my OB given my history and the fact that I am a teacher which keeps me on my feet all day. On January 12th, I was 21 weeks, 4 days, I stood up from the couch and my water started leaking. My husband rushed me to the hospital as I walked into the lobby, my water broke completely. I just stopped in the lobby and started to cry. The poor young lady sitting in the lobby at the information desk grabbed a wheel chair and radioed for help because I just kept saying it is too soon...this can't be happening.

They did an ultrasound and saw that my water had broke for twin A but, that twin B still had his sac intact. Both babies were fine and I was not in labor at all, not even dialated. They sent me to a high risk hospital an hour away by ambulance, where I stayed for the duration of my pregnancy. At 23 weeks, I started contracting but they were able to stop it, give me steroid shots for the babies and antibiotics. I was on strict bedrest in the hospital no getting out of bed for any reason in order to give these babies any chance of survival. They told me that as long as I didn't get an infection from twin A not having any fluid then I could stay pregnant as long as my body would allow it. Both babies were growing and had strong heartbeats. At 24 weeks, I started contracting again, but this time they were having problems stopping the contractions. They did an exam and realized that my body was no longer able to remain pregnant because I had an infection from not having amniotic fluid. They did an emergency c-section and my sons were born into this world on January 27th shortly after 9 pm.

Twin A, Declan Matthew, did not cry but he was alive. He was 1lb. 9oz and 12 1/2 inches, he was the bigger of the two even though he had gone without amniotic fluid for almost 3 weeks. Twin B, Lucas Benjamin, let out 3 little cries...I was so shocked...it never occurred to me that either one of them would cry because I knew they were going to be so small. He was 1lb. 7oz and 12 inches long. They whisked them both away before I could even really see them but at least I knew they were alive. Finally, at 2 am they let me out of the post op recovery room and wheeled me down to the NICU to see them. I was just in shock...they were so perfect, so beautiful, so small, so fragile and hooked up to so many machines but they were alive. Declan was being given antiobiotics because he was sick with the same infection that I had from not having the amniotic fluid. We sat with them for a while and talked with the nurses and doctor about what their chances were for survival. It was not good for either especially for Declan because of the amniotic situation which caused his lungs not to develop very much. Lucas seemed to be fighting and seemed to be strong.

The next morning, I was pretty sick with a fever and Kevin had gone to see the boys when he came rushing back and said we had to get down to the NICU immediately. I had not been out of bed to walk yet since my surgery so, the nurses did there best to get me up and out. I told him to go with out me and they called a priest to do the baptism for Declan. They baptized Declan before I could get there but as soon as I got there they unhooked him from his machines and he took his final breaths in my arms. So perfect just born too soon, too small! His little body couldn't fight the infection even with the medication so it started to shut down. My parents, my husband's parents and my daughter all got a chance to meet, hold and love Declan for a few short hours after he passed. It was so beautiful all while being so heart wrenching. They took Lucas for some tests to see how his brain had handled being delivered so early. We got the news that he had a grade 2 brain hemorrage, which was not horrible but wasn't great. The doctors said we had to wait and see if it would get better or if would get worse. The next day, Lucas starting having a lot of problems with his blood pressure and needed blood transfusions. The doctors informed us this was not good news and they decided to do another scan of his brain. Over night, his brain hemorrage went to a grade 4 the worst possible grade it could be at. All the blood they were giving him was going straight to his brain. The doctors told us that he was going to be brain dead and that he may survive for a few more days or weeks but that he was never going to be off the machines because too much damage had been done. We decide to take him off the machines and we held him too while he took his last breaths. Again, my parent's, my husband's parents and my daughter all got to meet, hold and love Lucas for a few short hours after he passed. We then got to hold them both together as a family.

How did I go from being pregnant, to giving birth, to holding my sons as they took their final breaths all in a matter of 3 days? The doctors don't have a reason for why my water broke...they can't give me a definate reason. There best guess is that when that first sac didn't develop and started to miscarry, they believe it didn't finish miscarrying. They "think" it probably attached part of itself to Declan's sac and over time it wore down the side of his sac until it burst. They told me there was nothing that I could have done or that they could have done to prevent it from happening. There only suggestion is too not use the fertility medications.

So this is my story so far....and I am exhausted, broken, confused, angry, sad and frustrated. Today, is the 4 month angelversary for Declan and I miss him so much. I love you, Declan! I love you too, Lucas! Please, come to me in my dreams tonight. Let me know that you are okay and not in any pain.

Should have been 4 months today...

2008-05-27T19:37:00.000-07:00

Today, my sons, Declan and Lucas should have been 4 months old. I try to imagine all of the mile stone that they would be reaching at the 4 month mark in their lives. I know that because they were born at 24 weeks, that they probably just would have gotten out of the NICU but that would have been a mile stone or accomplishment all in itself. I try to imagine what life would be like with these two little boys to love and watch grow along side of their big sister. How they would love and interact with each other. How she would be the best big sister and teach them so many wonderful things. I think of all of these wonderful dreams but unfortunately that is all they are dreams...shattered dreams of what should have been.

We put together a swing set for Mackenzie this last weekend and it breaks my heart to watch her play on it by herself. She should be showing the boys, how to use the slide or the swings in preparation for when they were old enough to do so. I hear her laughing and calling out to us to push her more in the swing and it makes me so sad to know that I will never hear the boys call out for us to do the same. I watch the swings blowing in the wind and I think to myself is that the wind blowing the swings or is it a sign that the boys are there wanting me to look for them. I hope it is them out on the swings and not the wind...

My heart aches for them and my mind questions constantly "WHY, Why did this happen?" Yet, I have no answers...will I ever get the answer I so badly need? Even if I do get the answer, will I ever agree with why the boys were taken from me? Is there a reason that my husband and I are forced to live and suffer without them?

Tomorrow, is Declan's angel day. Another hard day for our family. On Thursday, is Lucas' angel day. Again, another hard day for our family. Three long days in a row, thinking of them and wishing they were here to hold, kiss and love. When will the heartache stop? Does it stop when my heart stops and I get to meet them again? I wish I knew, I wish I could be with them now. But, until then I ask them to visit me in my dreams because that is the closest thing I have to being near them. Maybe tonight they will visit, I hope so. Tonight, I need a sign that they are close, a sign that they know how much I miss them and love them. Tonight, I need the dream to be a reality.