3 year Birthday thoughts....

It has taken me a long time to write this post. I have started, stopped, deleted and now I guess I just want to put it out there. Three years seems unbelievable to me since I last met and held my sons. At three years, they would be my "little guys" not babies which is how I will always envision them. Over the course of the last three years, I would say that my journey has been slowly evolving. It started by not even getting out of bed to now being heavily involved in trying to help others whom have or are currently on the same road of grief that I myself am on. It is a long road and unfortunately one that will never end, but will be constantly evolving.

When dealing with death and grief, at some point it becomes part of your everyday routine. Unfortunately, everyday there are reminders that life is moving forward without them and there is nothing that I can do but move forward just as life intended. Most days it is something I do and I attempt to not let it weigh on my thought but on other days it weighs on me heavily. I find myself to be distracted, withdrawn, bitter and jealous of others because I question why everything continues to move forward without them. I look at other families with 5 children and wonder what that most be like to have all 5 children living amongst you. I find myself feeling angry that others have "forgotten" about them and wonder how that can be. Questioning why their short lives didn't impact the lives of everyone around us the way it has impact myself and my husband. I think back to when we were on our way to their funeral and my husband explained to me how he just couldn't understand why children were still going to school on the day we were going to bury our children. Why hadn't the world stopped or come to end... because our world was definitely coming to an end on that day. But realization strikes when you see that life is going on right before your eyes even on your darkest days and that realization is horrible and unfathomable. Yet three years later, even after having two more healthy children, I still have these thoughts and these exhausting days. However, three years later, I also know that I am trying to do so much to honor their memory and show that unconditional love for them.

A doctor that I use to speak with after they died, told me that she had a patient that lost a son over 40 years ago and on certain or specific days throughout the year, her grief comes flooding back as if it were that day happening all over again. I know the answer to why this happens... because once you are a mother, you are always a mother and losing a child is something you will never truly overcome no matter how short that child's life nor how long the years since they have passed. So, while it has been three years since they forever left me, we choose to celebrate the time that they were here with us. For their 3rd birthday, we enjoyed dinner together as a family, birthday songs, birthday cake, presents and a balloon release. Once again this year we went to visit with the nurses that cared for us during our time with Declan and Lucas. It is wonderful to see how appreciative they are of the gifts and donations that we provide to them in the boys name. It is a tradition that will last for years and years to come...

Here are some pictures from their 3rd birthday...












I love and miss you both so very much... XOXO... Mommy

New Blog....

Well, I have been contemplating this for a long time and I am still up in the air as to whether or not I should continue this blog or not. I don't post on it very often but I feel so torn about whether I should be done with it completely. Part of me feels that if I get rid of this blog, it is some sort of betrayal to my sons like they are as important any more, which of course isn't the case. I just don't have as much to say "publicly" anymore, I still do write privately in my journal. Sometimes, I wonder if I should start a "new" blog, where I can write about everything, not feel restricted to keep it only about the boys and my grief. Anyway, I know there really isn't a right or a wrong answer it is just the one that sits best with me...

Hard to believe it will be 3 years since you were born on Thursday... Some days it seems like years ago and others it seems like it couldn't possibly be 3 years... In that amount of time, I have changed so much, some for the good (I hope) and some for the bad (unfortunately). I yearn for a time when it seemed simple and I was naive but that is not how life works and so we learn from the life that is offered to us. Your life was a mere 1 and 2 days but those days taught me more about life, love and faith then my entire life prior to those days. For you I am grateful, from you I have learned about true unconditional love and because of you I am ME...

Pictures and cards are worth a thousand words...

It is hard to believe that the holiday season is upon us again and time for me to make Christmas cards and Calendars. Since having children, year after year, we have made it a tradition like so many other families to send out picture Christmas cards for the holidays. Every year, we use Shutterfly and I am always so pleased with how they turn out. Last year, I think I made my favorite and it was the most beautiful card to date. We were able to find an amazing layout that allowed for us to have pictures of Caiden, Izzy and Mackenzie all posed together but most importantly, I was able to include a picture of Declan and Lucas' names written in the sand. We had so many phone calls and about how beautiful the card turned out and I couldn't agree more. Just like last year, I intend to find a way to include the boys in our cards and will continue to do so year after year. It is important for them to always be remembered and included as important members of our family every year. I know how hard it is for so many of us angel mom's out there and the holiday's can make our grief all that much more consuming. I know for me it is an even larger reminder that there are 2 children missing out on opening presents Christmas morning or 2 car seats less in the car as we drive around looking at Christmas lights. So, for me including them in the family Christmas card seems like a small or trivial event but in my mind is the one most important piece of mail that I send out each and every year. So, for all of you angel moms or any moms or dads out there, share your family with those you love. Send pictures and messages of love because unfortunately sometimes memories or pictures are all we have left of the ones we love.

Here are a few links that might help you get started:
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-photo-cards
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/birthday-invitations
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery

Happy creating!

Compassionate Friends

The link below has an amazing article and interview attached to about grieving parents and the Compassionate Friends organization. When reading the article linked to this interview, so many quotes with in the article truly hit home with me. I am so glad to have taken the time to have read it because it reminded me that everyone who is important to me is going to remember and feel comfortable talking about the boys. Yes, there are people who don't get it and won't understand it but that doesn't mean that I have to change the way I talk about my sons. I can talk about them and if other are uncomfortable oh well. A little bit of discomfort for them is better than have to endure what I deal with in terms of grief everyday. If you have the time, click on the link and listen to the interview and read the attached article. Both are insightful, helpful and well done.

All Things Considered : NPR

www.npr.org

A long time since posting and Prayers for Ella...

I feel awful for not writing more but, after so much time with my grief, I am often at a loss for what to say. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to feel like I shouldn't have the "right" to grieve any more because I am so grateful for all the good that has come in to my life but it doesn't cancel out the bad. It does make the bad more manageable and it does help me to appreciate life in a different way. I have changed so much since the boys died but that doesn't mean that I don't think about them or miss them every single day. I have just learned to control that grief and at times when I am lucky to turn it in to positive work that the boys would be proud of. I often tell other moms or those whom will listen, "I can't be a "parent" to my sons in the traditional sense but I can still be a "parent" to them by doing things in their name and memory." For me, this has become a passion that I am proud of and will hope to continue throughout my life in one form or another. Right now it is all the work I do with the March of Dimes but I am realistic that as time creeps up on me, all that I do in their name may change. Right now, that doesn't sit well with me, but at the same time, I am realistic about how quickly life changes.

On a different note, a very special little girl, Ella, needs our prayers. She has recently been diagnosed with ALL Luekemia and is undergoing Chemo. Her parents are being rocked by this horrible disease as they have to watch their 4 year-old child endure things that no parent ever hopes to have to witness. They are amazing people and Ella is showing such amazing strength for such a young child. Please send them your thoughts and prayers for the Chemo to work and for Ella to go into remission.

Moment of Silence....

Another child, who left his family too soon. Our prayers for them...

Missing You!

Missing you both tonight... Wondering what it would be like to see 5 children running around our house...