3 year Birthday thoughts....

It has taken me a long time to write this post. I have started, stopped, deleted and now I guess I just want to put it out there. Three years seems unbelievable to me since I last met and held my sons. At three years, they would be my "little guys" not babies which is how I will always envision them. Over the course of the last three years, I would say that my journey has been slowly evolving. It started by not even getting out of bed to now being heavily involved in trying to help others whom have or are currently on the same road of grief that I myself am on. It is a long road and unfortunately one that will never end, but will be constantly evolving.

When dealing with death and grief, at some point it becomes part of your everyday routine. Unfortunately, everyday there are reminders that life is moving forward without them and there is nothing that I can do but move forward just as life intended. Most days it is something I do and I attempt to not let it weigh on my thought but on other days it weighs on me heavily. I find myself to be distracted, withdrawn, bitter and jealous of others because I question why everything continues to move forward without them. I look at other families with 5 children and wonder what that most be like to have all 5 children living amongst you. I find myself feeling angry that others have "forgotten" about them and wonder how that can be. Questioning why their short lives didn't impact the lives of everyone around us the way it has impact myself and my husband. I think back to when we were on our way to their funeral and my husband explained to me how he just couldn't understand why children were still going to school on the day we were going to bury our children. Why hadn't the world stopped or come to end... because our world was definitely coming to an end on that day. But realization strikes when you see that life is going on right before your eyes even on your darkest days and that realization is horrible and unfathomable. Yet three years later, even after having two more healthy children, I still have these thoughts and these exhausting days. However, three years later, I also know that I am trying to do so much to honor their memory and show that unconditional love for them.

A doctor that I use to speak with after they died, told me that she had a patient that lost a son over 40 years ago and on certain or specific days throughout the year, her grief comes flooding back as if it were that day happening all over again. I know the answer to why this happens... because once you are a mother, you are always a mother and losing a child is something you will never truly overcome no matter how short that child's life nor how long the years since they have passed. So, while it has been three years since they forever left me, we choose to celebrate the time that they were here with us. For their 3rd birthday, we enjoyed dinner together as a family, birthday songs, birthday cake, presents and a balloon release. Once again this year we went to visit with the nurses that cared for us during our time with Declan and Lucas. It is wonderful to see how appreciative they are of the gifts and donations that we provide to them in the boys name. It is a tradition that will last for years and years to come...

Here are some pictures from their 3rd birthday...












I love and miss you both so very much... XOXO... Mommy

New Blog....

Well, I have been contemplating this for a long time and I am still up in the air as to whether or not I should continue this blog or not. I don't post on it very often but I feel so torn about whether I should be done with it completely. Part of me feels that if I get rid of this blog, it is some sort of betrayal to my sons like they are as important any more, which of course isn't the case. I just don't have as much to say "publicly" anymore, I still do write privately in my journal. Sometimes, I wonder if I should start a "new" blog, where I can write about everything, not feel restricted to keep it only about the boys and my grief. Anyway, I know there really isn't a right or a wrong answer it is just the one that sits best with me...

Hard to believe it will be 3 years since you were born on Thursday... Some days it seems like years ago and others it seems like it couldn't possibly be 3 years... In that amount of time, I have changed so much, some for the good (I hope) and some for the bad (unfortunately). I yearn for a time when it seemed simple and I was naive but that is not how life works and so we learn from the life that is offered to us. Your life was a mere 1 and 2 days but those days taught me more about life, love and faith then my entire life prior to those days. For you I am grateful, from you I have learned about true unconditional love and because of you I am ME...

Pictures and cards are worth a thousand words...

It is hard to believe that the holiday season is upon us again and time for me to make Christmas cards and Calendars. Since having children, year after year, we have made it a tradition like so many other families to send out picture Christmas cards for the holidays. Every year, we use Shutterfly and I am always so pleased with how they turn out. Last year, I think I made my favorite and it was the most beautiful card to date. We were able to find an amazing layout that allowed for us to have pictures of Caiden, Izzy and Mackenzie all posed together but most importantly, I was able to include a picture of Declan and Lucas' names written in the sand. We had so many phone calls and about how beautiful the card turned out and I couldn't agree more. Just like last year, I intend to find a way to include the boys in our cards and will continue to do so year after year. It is important for them to always be remembered and included as important members of our family every year. I know how hard it is for so many of us angel mom's out there and the holiday's can make our grief all that much more consuming. I know for me it is an even larger reminder that there are 2 children missing out on opening presents Christmas morning or 2 car seats less in the car as we drive around looking at Christmas lights. So, for me including them in the family Christmas card seems like a small or trivial event but in my mind is the one most important piece of mail that I send out each and every year. So, for all of you angel moms or any moms or dads out there, share your family with those you love. Send pictures and messages of love because unfortunately sometimes memories or pictures are all we have left of the ones we love.

Here are a few links that might help you get started:
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-photo-cards
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/birthday-invitations
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery

Happy creating!

Compassionate Friends

The link below has an amazing article and interview attached to about grieving parents and the Compassionate Friends organization. When reading the article linked to this interview, so many quotes with in the article truly hit home with me. I am so glad to have taken the time to have read it because it reminded me that everyone who is important to me is going to remember and feel comfortable talking about the boys. Yes, there are people who don't get it and won't understand it but that doesn't mean that I have to change the way I talk about my sons. I can talk about them and if other are uncomfortable oh well. A little bit of discomfort for them is better than have to endure what I deal with in terms of grief everyday. If you have the time, click on the link and listen to the interview and read the attached article. Both are insightful, helpful and well done.

All Things Considered : NPR

www.npr.org

A long time since posting and Prayers for Ella...

I feel awful for not writing more but, after so much time with my grief, I am often at a loss for what to say. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to feel like I shouldn't have the "right" to grieve any more because I am so grateful for all the good that has come in to my life but it doesn't cancel out the bad. It does make the bad more manageable and it does help me to appreciate life in a different way. I have changed so much since the boys died but that doesn't mean that I don't think about them or miss them every single day. I have just learned to control that grief and at times when I am lucky to turn it in to positive work that the boys would be proud of. I often tell other moms or those whom will listen, "I can't be a "parent" to my sons in the traditional sense but I can still be a "parent" to them by doing things in their name and memory." For me, this has become a passion that I am proud of and will hope to continue throughout my life in one form or another. Right now it is all the work I do with the March of Dimes but I am realistic that as time creeps up on me, all that I do in their name may change. Right now, that doesn't sit well with me, but at the same time, I am realistic about how quickly life changes.

On a different note, a very special little girl, Ella, needs our prayers. She has recently been diagnosed with ALL Luekemia and is undergoing Chemo. Her parents are being rocked by this horrible disease as they have to watch their 4 year-old child endure things that no parent ever hopes to have to witness. They are amazing people and Ella is showing such amazing strength for such a young child. Please send them your thoughts and prayers for the Chemo to work and for Ella to go into remission.

Moment of Silence....

Another child, who left his family too soon. Our prayers for them...

Missing You!

Missing you both tonight... Wondering what it would be like to see 5 children running around our house...

Happy 2nd Birthday

Happy Birthday, Declan and Lucas! We love and miss you so very much....

All my love,
xoxo
Mommy

With So Much Love...

We thought of you with love today
but that is nothing new

We thought about you yesterday
and the days before that, too

We think of you in silence
we often speak your name

All we have are memories,
and your picture in a frame

Your memory is our keepsake
with which we'll never part

God has you in His keeping,
we have you in our hearts.

Happy Birthday Declan and Lucas

Love, G'Ma and Poppa

A whirl wind...

Life has changed dramatically since I last posted. I delivered 2 healthy babies on September 30th at only 32 weeks. Their delivery was a whirl wind and we were so worried about them being delivered at only 32 weeks. Caiden was born first and weighed 4lbs 8oz and is Isabelle came second weighing 4lbs 5 oz. They spent 22 days in the NICU but are home healthy and thriving. Going back to the place were Declan and Lucas died was pretty awful. The staff was amazing as they knew our story and the loss we had suffered the year before. I didn't get to see Caiden and Isabelle for 24 hours after my c-section as I had to stay on the magnesium due to the severe eclampsia I had developed. Kevin had to brave the NICU all himself and I came to find out many weeks later that they had placed Isabelle and Caiden in the exact same room and exact place in that room where Declan and Lucas had died. When I found this out, I want to vomit, knowing that Kevin had to endure such heartache, fear and shock all on his own. Being the amazing man that he is he calmly told the doctors that he was so grateful for their care for Isabelle and Caiden but that he needed to have them moved before I was able to see them. He did not want me coming in to the NICU to see our two premature babies in the same exact place where we had already lost two children. The staff was so apologetic and moved them immediately. He explained that there was no need for apologies as it was no ones fault but that he would just really be appreciative if we didn't have to be in that exact spot as it was hard enough being in the NICU given the circumstances and our history. Kevin really is an amazing person, I can't say that enough about him. We endured those 22 days and while our first experience in the NICU was always very present in our minds, we truly did focus on how well Caiden and Isabelle were doing. We spent time their everyday and did our best to bond with them while traveling the hour back and forth from our home. It was a long 22 days and I am amazed at the fact that some parents have do it for much much longer.

A few weeks after the babies came home, we had a scare with Caiden as he failed his Cystic Fibrosis test on the initial newborn screening. After 2 repeat sweat tests, that didn't work, we were told to do a different genetic test and had to wait an agonizing 5 weeks. The amazing news is that it was a false positive so while he is a carrier for CF, he doesn't actually have the disease. It was amazing news to hear only a few days prior to Christmas.

Christmas was very anticipated this year at our house by all of us. It was as I imagine it will be for the rest of our lives, a time to celebrate but at the same time we also feel the loss that Declan and Lucas are missing. While, Caiden and Isabelle made this Christmas exciting and fun, they did not take away that pain or replace the fact the Declan and Lucas were gone. We went to the cemetery on Christmas Day to lay our presents for the boys out under their tree. It was a time for Kevin and I to spend some time alone and talk about how much we missed them and how much life has changed in the last almost 2 years. We talked, cried and tried to remember the moments we spent with them only to realize that so much of that time was truly a blur. We could help each other fill in some of the missing moments but a lot of it is hard to remember... I guess that is what happens when you are in shock?

To say that life is the same is just not true. Life has changed for us dramatically and honestly life is good and we are happy. However, we both have our moments of overwhelming grief over the loss of Declan and Lucas. Yet, we both have come to realize that for our own sake and the sake of our family, we had to figure out a way to be happy again. Caiden and Isabelle did not replace Declan and Lucas. The boys can never be replaced, they will forever be our two middle children and they will forever be missed. But Caiden and Isabelle have given us hope and faith that for a long time we had questioned and/or lost. I have realized that for the rest of my life, I will always wonder "why" but I will never know the answer and I have to be as okay as I can be with that question. As the boys second birthday approaches, I find myself becoming more and more exhausted. I can feel that weight of their death pushing down on me and I do wonder if I will feel this weight every year for the rest of my life or if in time will that weight lessen? Grief is an odd thing as it doesn't fit a specific time line or have any rules. It comes and "goes" as it pleases and it always knows how to knock you down to the ground. I have learned that it is okay be knocked down, as long as I always remember that I also know that I have the strength to get back up.

Baby clothes....

Tomorrow, I will be 31 weeks pregnant and am so grateful for this time that I have had with my children growing inside of me. Since, I reached the 28 week mark, I have had a few people ask me when I felt like I would be ready to take out the baby stuff. My thought was the day I brought them home from the hospital but I know that it needs to be sooner than that. It is hard to imagine being so afraid of things like baby clothes, bottles and nursery items, but it is so hard to have them in front of you and actually open the lids to touch them. To all of us whom have lost children, one of the most difficult things is to come home and see constant reminders of what should have been. To have to pack up the things they never got wear or use. I was so grateful that my mom and MIL were able to put the majority of stuff away for me but I still had some items to take care of myself. I remember wanting my house to be back to the way it was before we had rearranged it to make room for two more children. I put every little thing back to where it "belong" "before" everything happened as if it would help to ease the pain, it didn't but at that point of insanity it made sense to me.

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary and I have been thinking all day about how much we have endured the last few years. I know that without my husband being the type of man that he is that I would never have survived these last years. Because of our tragedy, we are stronger both as individuals and as a couple because we force ourselves to be. We didn't give up as much as we both wanted to but we have endured and although the pain is still there, we have learned how to acknowledge the pain and use it to do better in our lives. We miss the boys everyday and not a day goes by that we don't think of them and what they would be like if they were here with us today.

So today, I am looking for the strength to open up these bins of clothes. To remember, the last time they were opened and find the strength to have faith that this time will be different. To believe that these babies will get to use these clothes and come home with us. To remember, Declan and Lucas and the short amount of treasured time we had with them instead of dwelling on the horrible grief. To allow myself some excitement over baby stuff instead of the excruciating fear and guilt. So, here I go...I will touch and smell their clothes. I will cry and smile at the same time. But most importantly I will love Declan and Lucas just as much as I love their older sister and these two little peanuts growing inside of me.

Struggling

I feel as if I am treading water and just trying to keep my head a float. This week we are 23 weeks pregnant and I am constantly going back to this same week with Declan and Lucas. This week was the week when everything went from being "stable" to out of control. As I count the 6 days down to 24 weeks, I am reminded that the boys were born at 23 weeks and 5 days. I know that 24 weeks is considered viability but it is still way to soon and the chance of survival, as we know all to well, are very slim. I have been counting the days to 28 weeks and we are only 34 days away. This seems like a realistic and do able amount of time but at the same time I am very aware of just how long it really is. Things can go from good to bad in literally a heartbeat.

I lay here tonight scared and frustrated at the "unknown". I am trying to put my unwavering faith in God but, I am only human and the fear can be consuming. I am only 4 and half weeks in to bed rest and I am exhausted. I often lie around thinking about Declan and Lucas and all that we have been through. I talk to them constantly, asking them to watch over Mackenzie and of course their little brother and sister growing inside of me. Praying to them, to help protect their sibblings and asking them to speak to God on our behalf. It is hard to not feel guilty about asking them to watch over their siblings, I don't want them to feel forgot or that these babies are their replacement. Declan and Lucas will always be our 2nd and 3rd children and these babies will be our 4th and 5th no matter what. All my children, hold a special place in my heart whether they are here with myself and Kevin or up in heaven.

Tonight, I just am so tired and emotional. I missed the boys so very much and wish they were here. I have become so in love and attached to the two growing inside of me that I am in anguish over the horrible thought of losing them too. The reality is that no one can tell me why my pregnancy failed with the boys and no one can guarantee me that we will bring home from the hospital two children. So, I sit here and wait, pray, and cry over the unknown. We are so close to having two healthy children but at the same time, we know just how far away we still are from having two alive children.

Prayer Request

****UPDATE - I just wanted to let everyone know that Devon is still in the hospital but both her and the baby are hanging in there. She is now 22 weeks and is hoping for a minimum of another 2 weeks. The doctors continue to monitor and change the dose on her Magnesium levels as she needs them. Thank you for your continued positive thoughts and prayers. ****


I am asking for prayers from all of you that read my blog. My dear friend Devon, whom lost her twin boys at only 23 weeks about 16 months ago, is in the hospital fighting to hold on to the baby girl growing inside of her. She is currently just 21 weeks pregnant and is having complications with this pregnancy. She is in the hospital on Magnesium to help with the issues that she is experiencing but needs for this baby to stay inside of her until at least 24 weeks which is about 21 days away. Having a child born at 24 weeks is terrifying beyond belief because there are no guarantees of survival at this stage which she knows all too well. Please pray that she will keep this baby in for at least 3 more weeks but preferably more like 7 or more weeks to really give this baby girl a true fighting chance. This mother, like so many others I know, has endured so much pain in the last year in half and it is beyond comprehension for me for her to have to experience it all over again. The doctors are doing everything they can but she needs prayers to help ease her body, mind, and heart on this situation. She is exhausted to say the least physically, mentally and emotionally over her circumstances.

Devon, you are loved by so many and I hope that all of our prayers are answered. I pray that you will be bringing home a beautiful healthy little girl many months from now.

Love you, Melissa

News of Loss and Sadness

A mother from one of my support boards gave birth to her son earlier this week at just under 24 weeks. Her sweet baby fought hard but his little body could no longer endure the trauma of life outside of her womb. Her sweet baby enter the kingdom of Heaven today and joined not only Declan, Lucas and so many others but also joined his very own brother. This woman and her family have already endure the horrible loss of a child born premature and my heart breaks for her as she once again is faced with the death of another child. Please send her and her family prayers to help her find the strength to endure the loss of another beautiful baby. 

As I sit here thinking about this woman, I am reminded of just how unfair life is and how difficult it is to remain positive amongst such tragedy. It is hard for me not to questions God's plan for this family and even for myself. She has already endure one loss and to have to endure another is just hard to fathom. It just shows me that tragedy doesn't just strike once, you are not exempt from it striking again just because you endured it once. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle but he sure may push you close to the edge. I want to believe and have faith in the positive but at times like this I am shaken once again.

Vivid Dreams

I have been having so many vivid dreams lately but last night was unbelievable. I was dreaming about having to explain the death of Declan and Lucas to a group of people and the people I was explaining it too just didn't get it. They were saying the most awful things and didn't stop interrupting me until I finally started sobbing and screaming all the horrible details of the events leading up to and after their death. I literally woke up around 4 am this morning just sobbing and my heart was racing because I was so upset. My pillow was wet from crying and I just continue to sob because it brought back so vividly the feelings from all those weeks and months. The feelings of needing to validate their lives to people who just didn't and still don't get our loss or the grief we feel over not having them. The people who think we are "all better" because we have been forced to continue on with the "normalcy" of life even after burying two children. I don't like going back to that dark dark place that I was once stuck in but there are times like this morning when I don't have a choice. When the grief just knocks you down when you least expect it all over again. 

March of Dimes Follow-Up

We participated in our 2nd March of Dimes walk a few weeks of ago and it was a beautiful day. We all met at the zoo and by all I mean about 35 of us, adults and children, on our family team. The weather was so beautiful for this early in May, in the Midwest and the zoo was a great place to have a walk with all of the children participating. We were the Ambassador family for our area's walk and I was asked to speak. I spoke about the importance of walking and raising awareness because not every family, like ours, gets to bring their babies home from the hospital. That not all families get to experience those miracle 24 weeker stories but instead deal with the grief of the death of their child or children. It was not a long speech, it was too emotional and I choked back the tears as I looked over the faces of all of our supportive friends and family. Yes, it was an emotional day but it was a good day. We raised an astounding amount of money as a family team and I am anxious to hear how much money was raised as a community. We honored our sons in a beautiful way and we were reminded just how much they were loved by so many people. 

Thank you so much to all of you whom walked and/or donated to our family team. 

March for Babies

I have been trying to help out with the March of Dimes as much as I can without over doing it. They asked me to speak a few weeks ago to kick off our walk season and it went pretty well. I was all prepared for what to say and was totally caught off guard when I started to get all choked up. Talking to a room full of people, some of whom I knew really got what I and Kevin are living thru. Often the speaker is one of those miracle babies parents but that wasn't us. I was the speaker who put a face to the fact that there is still a very high precentage of babies that don't survive because of so many different reasons. I was the mother up there talking while trying not to sob about the grief she is experiencing because she misses her sons so much. I kind of figured after choking thru the first experience they wouldn't ask me to speak again but I was wrong! They asked me to speak at a March for Babies Egg Hunt in our area and then they asked our family to be the Ambassador family. I am so thrilled to be able to honor our sons this way. To show that we have lost so much and this is why it is so important to continue to support this fight for our children. I am nervous about breaking down but at the same time, it makes me feel good to do something positive in the midst of our tragedy.

Tomorrow, marks 14 months since the boys were here. I miss them so much right now...tonight...this minute.

Prayer Request..

To all of you whom read my blog, I am so grateful and I ask a favor of you all. My best friend, Heather, whom has stood by us and supported us through the death of Declan and Lucas needs a prayer answered. Her mother, whom has not been feeling very well lately, just had some test results returned that showed she has a growth in her brain. I am unsure currently, if the growth is malignant so, please pray that it is not and that she will recover from any treatment that she may need. Please pray, that she will continue to live a strong and healthy life in which she can see her beautiful daughter get married and have amazing children of her own someday. I know that God is listening and I pray that he will bless this woman with strength and health.

Heather, I love you and am so grateful that you are in our life.

Thinking of you today...

I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to Blake and Ethan. These two special boys turn one today up in Heaven instead of in the arms of their mom and dad.

Devon, I am thinking of you today and wishing you some sense of peace. You are an amazing woman and mother and I am so grateful for our friendship. You have helped me so much this last year and words can not express how grateful I am. I hope that if you are all feeling better, you get to do some of the things you hope to do to celebrate B and E's birthday. Please know that you are loved by so many.

Loss for words...

I haven't been writing much any more...I often feel like I am at a loss for words. I don't know what to say or I have too much too say and don't know how to convey it all. I have been journaling some privately, I guess I just feel to vulnerable right now to talk about trying again publicly. I fear people are going to tell me we are selfish for trying again or criticize us for the possibility of another pregnancy with complications. I also feel like a broken record, like all the grief I have, I have told over and over and over again. Afraid, people are tired of hearing our story and will tell me to stop talking about our sons because they have heard it all before and the story never changes. That is the part that people really don't get, the story will never change because all we had were those few short days and now they are gone. All we have to hold on to them are those memories that we repeat and tell over and over again. Telling me to move on or not wanting to hear them is like telling me to forget about them which I can never ever do.