Song Lyrics...

Since the boys died, I have found great comfort in music. On those days and nights, when all I need is a good cry, I find music helps. I have come to rely on these songs, almost like I would an old friend. Someone to listen to me cry as I sing through the tears and someone to respond back to me through the lyrics that go straight through right to my heart. I know that these songs won't judge me for crying once again or won't tire of me talking to them about the boys. They won't tell me it is time to move on but instead they touch me on such a personal level. Sometimes, I feel as if they were written for me and me alone. The following song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan is one that when I sing it the tears often flow deeply. I literally can picture myself questioning or feeling or doing all that she sings about....

ANGEL

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

How many times have I begged for a second chance to do it over. Praying that I can hold on to the memories that seem to be seeping away. To be empty of the pain and sadness that I brought to our family. Wondering how I could ever be at peace with what happened? This endless fear of losing another child. Feeling like I live in my own internal madness. Picturing all the times that I have literally been brought to my knees. Knowing that every time, I go to the cemetery, I am brought to my knees once again.

Yes, this song speaks to me because this is me...this is the internal struggle that I live everyday. I can put on a smile, I can laugh, I can make small talk, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss them every second of every single day. That doesn't mean that I am done grieving. It just means that I am getting good at controlling my grief and hiding my sadness.

Another Letter...

July 31, 2008

Dear Declan and Lucas,

I can’t believe that it has been 6 months since you were here with us. At times it feels like this has been the longest 6 months of my life. I feel like I have aged a lifetime in only 6 short months. Yet, there are times when I can’t believe that it has been 6 months because it feels like only yesterday when I was in the operating room, waiting to see you both.

I wanted to tell you that I think you both were so beautiful. You had these innocent little faces and tiny round noses. Your fingers curled so lightly around our fingers and your toes, well they were so adorable. You had these tiny little feet and long toes. You were so small yet, when I look at your pictures it doesn’t seem like you were all that little. I know that in reality you were extremely small but in the pictures you look so perfect, so whole that it is sort of deceiving just how tiny you were. I remember looking at you in your diapers and smiling at how big they were on you. I kept thinking how ridiculous they looked on the both of you but that in time you would grow out of them and move on too much bigger sizes.

Your papa had a dream about the both of you and he told me that you told him that you thought I was great mommy and that you were with me always. I know that you are with me in my heart always I just wish I had you physically here with me too. I wish I could pick you up to hug and kiss. I hope that you watch over our family and see that we miss you so much. I pray that watch Mackenzie and keep her safe from harm. I wish you could help me mend daddy’s broken heart. It is so hard for me to see him cry over the both of you. I wish I knew how to take his pain away and how to make the tears stop but I don’t know what to do or say.

Please know that you have touched and changed our lives more than we ever could think was possible. You have given the meaning of life a greater purpose. You make me want to be a better human being to really make a change no matter how small. I wish I knew if I was making a difference but that is probably not the point? Not knowing that you are making a difference, but doing it anyway.

I love you both and will continue to write you both. All the hugs and kisses I could possibly give you are being sent your way.

Love,
Mommy

Painting

I will probably end up painting over it and starting again, but here is the first draft...

I love the picture of Declan's feet.

Besides journaling, I have been trying to paint to help me through this experience. It has been really difficult trying to put in to a painting all that I am feeling. I see things that trigger ideas for me but then when it comes time for me to paint, I feel that what I have created is so inadequate. I am so disappointed by the outcome because it just isn't what I had envision in my mind. I can see it so clearly yet, to create it on a canvas is so disappointing because it just doesn't live up to what I want to so desperately portray.



I sit here night after night trying to remember what the boys felt like. I hold on to their hospital blankets and bring them to my noise to smell them, but all I smell is that horrible hospital smell. I want to smell them...to smell a baby, to smell life but all I smell is death. I look through their photos and try to examine them ever so closely so that I can see all the little details that I missed while they were alive. The lines of their feet, the folds of their ears, the details of their hands and the smiles on their faces. How I wish i could do it all over, to have another day, another hour, another minute... So, I paint or draw to the point of where I almost feel manic. I just have to do it at that instances and it has to be finished immediately so that I can purge myself of the anger and sadness.



It has been 6 months since I laid in my hospital room, numb from the death of not one but both of my sons. I laid there and said nothing.... It has been 6 months and once again, what more is there really for me to say... nothing.

6 Months

I love you Declan and Lucas

I can't believe it has been sick months since you were here with us. 6 Months ago around this time, I was in the operating room crying because I knew it was just too soon. I knew you were just too small and fragile to becoming in to this hard world. 6 months ago I heard you cry for the very first and last time. I try to replay that sound over and over again in my head, wanting to hold on to that noise you made with all my heart. 6 months ago I saw you move all on your own and touched you for the first time. 6 months ago you were alive and I was so in awe of your perfectness and beauty. 6 months ago seems like only yesterday and yet my life has changed so dramatically. I just can't believe it has been 6 long and yet short months? What more can I say...My heart is still broken and aches so desperately for you both. My tears feel just as strong and hot as they did in that operating room. The only difference is that 6 months ago you were here and today you are not, I still have trouble grasping that and understanding how this happened. 6 months ago I fell in love with you and 6 month later I love you even more.

FEAR

Mackenzie has been sick all week with a fever and I can honestly say, that I have been scared. Ever since the boys died, I have this intense fear of losing her. I check on her constantly at night to make sure she is still breathing...to the point where I actually will shake her a little bit to wake her up. Last night, her temperature was about 102.5 and I was so worried. I never use to be this way...I mean I would worry but not feel panicked. I am so panicked that my chest is heavy, my heart is racing and I feel like I can't get a deep breath. I was so worried last night that I actually crawled in bed with her and watched her sleep until I finally fell asleep myself. I don't know how to get over being so irrational...I just can't bare the thought of losing her, it would kill me.

Today at the doctor's they had to clean her ears with this horrible water machine and I about lost it. Just thinking about watching her having this water pushed into her ears and coming out her nose and mouth makes my chest hurt so bad. I was near the point of tears in the office because I just didn't want her to be so upset and so afraid. I wanted to protect her and so I finally told the nurse that, that was enough even though they weren't finished. It was horrible and I hate that I let them do that to her. I called Kevin and was shaking because of all that happened and they couldn't even tell me if she has an ear infection or not. I just want to know why she has this fever...I am beginning to think these crazy thoughts about her being horrible sick and not being able to make her better. Not being able to save her, just like we couldn't save the boys. I hate this fear that is consuming me...I hate knowing that death can strike your family and their is nothing that I can do to stop it. I hate that this perfect little fairytale doesn't exist and I know what it is like to be caught in the nightmare.

Sweet Michael

I went to hang my student's artwork today for the summer art show and met another art teacher in the district whom had her son with her. I told her how adorable I thought he was and asked what his name was in which she replied, Michael. I then asked how old he was because he was such a big kiddo and she told me he was going to be 6 months old and that he was born on January 25th. When she said the date my heart literally dropped...I just stared at him, trying to imagine my sons at that age, being that big?

I barely managed to keep my composure, finished hanging my work and left. When I got to my car, I just sort of sat there for a few minutes, thinking over how healthy her son is. The entire ride home, I kept thinking how close in age our children would have been. How I was in the hospital the same time as her but for very different reasons and very different outcomes. I wondered would the boys and her son, would they have been friends at some point in their lives? Would they have been in the same kindergarten class and graduated high school together?

It was so heartbreaking to know that her beautiful little boy, Michael, will have the opportunity to experience all of these things and my sons will not. They will never wave good-bye on that first day of school, they will never ride their first bike, they will never have their first kiss, they will never go to the prom, they will never graduate high school, they will never graduate college, they will never get married and they will never feel me hug or kiss them ever again. There just are so many things that they will never get to do nor will myself or Kevin ever get to see them accomplish.

I wanted so badly to tell her to treasure every moment, every second. To take a zillion pictures, even when he doesn't want her too. To tell him everyday, how important he is and how much she loves him, no matter what. To smoother him with hugs and kisses. To always tell him how proud she is of him and all of his accomplishments, no matter how small. To help him live a life of happiness and not take any of it for granted. But, I didn't...I didn't want to break down...I didn't want to come across as the crazy lady. Plus, she is a mom so, from the moment he was conceived, she probably already knew to do all of these things.

It's over

Today, I realized that I am holding on to the fantasy that the boys are possibly going to be with me. At some point, I have to let go of that fantasy and really come to terms with the reality that they are no longer here. I have the scar and I have their foot prints on me to prove that they lived and that is what I have to hold on too. I don't have them to hold on to and I never will, at least not here on this earth. I can't think about how no one congratulated me because they weren't alive long enough for that to happen. I guess it wouldn't have been appropriate for them to do so considering the circumstances. I want so badly to hold on to them here alive but that is just not going to happen, no matter how hard I cry, pray or wish. They are physically gone and they are never coming back. I can't continue to play the what if game because that is literally killing me on the inside. It is so hard...letting go.