Thursday, May 28, 2009
I have been having so many vivid dreams lately but last night was unbelievable. I was dreaming about having to explain the death of Declan and Lucas to a group of people and the people I was explaining it too just didn't get it. They were saying the most awful things and didn't stop interrupting me until I finally started sobbing and screaming all the horrible details of the events leading up to and after their death. I literally woke up around 4 am this morning just sobbing and my heart was racing because I was so upset. My pillow was wet from crying and I just continue to sob because it brought back so vividly the feelings from all those weeks and months. The feelings of needing to validate their lives to people who just didn't and still don't get our loss or the grief we feel over not having them. The people who think we are "all better" because we have been forced to continue on with the "normalcy" of life even after burying two children. I don't like going back to that dark dark place that I was once stuck in but there are times like this morning when I don't have a choice. When the grief just knocks you down when you least expect it all over again.
Monday, May 25, 2009
We participated in our 2nd March of Dimes walk a few weeks of ago and it was a beautiful day. We all met at the zoo and by all I mean about 35 of us, adults and children, on our family team. The weather was so beautiful for this early in May, in the Midwest and the zoo was a great place to have a walk with all of the children participating. We were the Ambassador family for our area's walk and I was asked to speak. I spoke about the importance of walking and raising awareness because not every family, like ours, gets to bring their babies home from the hospital. That not all families get to experience those miracle 24 weeker stories but instead deal with the grief of the death of their child or children. It was not a long speech, it was too emotional and I choked back the tears as I looked over the faces of all of our supportive friends and family. Yes, it was an emotional day but it was a good day. We raised an astounding amount of money as a family team and I am anxious to hear how much money was raised as a community. We honored our sons in a beautiful way and we were reminded just how much they were loved by so many people.
Thank you so much to all of you whom walked and/or donated to our family team.