When dealing with death and grief, at some point it becomes part of your everyday routine. Unfortunately, everyday there are reminders that life is moving forward without them and there is nothing that I can do but move forward just as life intended. Most days it is something I do and I attempt to not let it weigh on my thought but on other days it weighs on me heavily. I find myself to be distracted, withdrawn, bitter and jealous of others because I question why everything continues to move forward without them. I look at other families with 5 children and wonder what that most be like to have all 5 children living amongst you. I find myself feeling angry that others have "forgotten" about them and wonder how that can be. Questioning why their short lives didn't impact the lives of everyone around us the way it has impact myself and my husband. I think back to when we were on our way to their funeral and my husband explained to me how he just couldn't understand why children were still going to school on the day we were going to bury our children. Why hadn't the world stopped or come to end... because our world was definitely coming to an end on that day. But realization strikes when you see that life is going on right before your eyes even on your darkest days and that realization is horrible and unfathomable. Yet three years later, even after having two more healthy children, I still have these thoughts and these exhausting days. However, three years later, I also know that I am trying to do so much to honor their memory and show that unconditional love for them.
A doctor that I use to speak with after they died, told me that she had a patient that lost a son over 40 years ago and on certain or specific days throughout the year, her grief comes flooding back as if it were that day happening all over again. I know the answer to why this happens... because once you are a mother, you are always a mother and losing a child is something you will never truly overcome no matter how short that child's life nor how long the years since they have passed. So, while it has been three years since they forever left me, we choose to celebrate the time that they were here with us. For their 3rd birthday, we enjoyed dinner together as a family, birthday songs, birthday cake, presents and a balloon release. Once again this year we went to visit with the nurses that cared for us during our time with Declan and Lucas. It is wonderful to see how appreciative they are of the gifts and donations that we provide to them in the boys name. It is a tradition that will last for years and years to come...
Here are some pictures from their 3rd birthday...
I love and miss you both so very much... XOXO... Mommy
