2008...never forgotten...

To accept that your children are dying is simply unbelievable. To realize that there is nothing more that can be done for them is unimaginable. To let them go is the unthinkable and yet, that was what was asked of us this last year (2008).

As 2008, came to a close, I initially thought I would be relieved but instead I felt sadness. 2008 was the year that I gave birth to and held Declan and Lucas alive. It was my last connection to them and it was painful to have to let go of that connection too.

I have been asked by a few people if I am glad that 2008 is over and behind us? Oc course, I am looking forward to the possibilities that are ahead of us in 2009. But, do I wish to put 2008 behind me like it never existed...No. 2008 was full of pain and heart ache but would I trade all that sorrow and wish it all away...Never! Our live definitely did not turn out how we had planned them but I still received 1 and 2 days with my sons. I would never trade those days just so that I could be void of this grief and pain. Do I wish it differently...of course, but I would never wish it away.

I hope and even dream that 2009 brings us joy, happiness and an unexpected blessing. I pray that if we are blessed with another child that this child will be healthy and allowed to come home with us. 2008 has taught me that I can only do so much. I can eat healthy, go to the doctor, exercise, take it easy, even stay on bed rest but, inevitably my life and the life of my family is in God's hands. Having faith that we will be blessed with good things is what I need to focus on. Not dwelling on the fears that will attack me, especially with regards to another pregnancy, is a battle that I am willing to fight. The love, want and need for another child definitely out weighs all my fears of never having or even losing another one. I am not ready to concede to those fears nor give up my dreams of a larger family. Yes, the fears are ever so present but my love for more children is so much stronger. I know it will be a battle, for none of my pregnancies have ever been easy, but the outcome of another healthy child is more than worth the fight.

My quote for the New Year:
~ Dance as though no one is watching you,
Love as though you have never been hurt before,
Sing as if no one can hear you,
Live as though heaven is on earth.
-Souza

I know that my grief will still be visible during this next year and for years to come. The boys will always be a part of our lives, of our memories, and of our family....they will never be forgotten...Never.