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I often wonder about the timing of events in my life. I have found that throughout this year when I am having an especially difficult day, usually due to specific date or anniversary, something happens to me to make me wonder.......was that Declan and Lucas trying to make the pain more manageable for me. January 12th was a difficult day because all I thought about all day was how different things would have been if the events of that day had never taken place. I tried to keep myself busy, but it is amazing how hearing one specific number, such as the 12th, can keep popping up over the course of the day. Especially, when all you want to do is forget that day ever happened.

When I got home, I realized that I had a voicemail message and it was from a woman at the March of Dimes. Now this is a where things get tricky because this is a double edged sword. Had the boys lived, we would not be such active participants in the March of Dimes but because they died this is a cause very near and dear to our hearts. Anyway, the gist of voicemail was that they would like me to chair a committee to help other family teams gather more support and donations. They would also like for me to help come up with ideas to make their walks even more family orientated. Why me? Well, our family team raised the most amount of money for the southern part of the state and they want to know how we did it. It was such an easy answer, we have family and friends whom love us and want to support us throughout this tragedy. Plus, I wanted my sons story to be known and to have a purpose besides just sadness and grief. I want the love that we have for them and all that they have taught us to be put to good use. Which means, raising money to hopefully help others to not have to experience the tragedy that we endured and are still enduring.

So, back to the timing aspect...Why on this specific day did I receive this phone call? Why not the next day or the week before? Was it to remind me of our loss? I doubt it because I am reminded of that everyday. I believe it was a sign from them to show me that their life and our love for them is serving a purpose. Does that purpose take the pain away or make their loss any less? No, but it does make the pain more manageable because it put a smile on my face to know that we did something good in their name and they can be proud of us for that. So in a few weeks, I begin helping on an even greater scale than I ever imagined and I am happy to be helping. I know it will be hard because it is bittersweet but I know in my heart it is what they want me to do. Otherwise, why else would I have received that phone call on that specific day?