1st Birthday

Your 1st birthday was definitely not spent the way I had envisioned it. In my dreams, we had friends and family at our home watching the both of you dig in to large pieces of birthday cake. So messy that you needed to go straight from your high chair to the bath, clothes and all. 

Instead, we went to the hospital where we last held you. We delivered gifts to the Antepartum and NICU in your honor/memory. We saw so many of the nurses whom took such good care of us. It was hard to believe that they actually remembered us but they did. They were so gracious for the presents they received for their new patients and couldn't believe that an entire year had past since we had last been their patients. We received so many hugs, thanks and words of encouragement. It was a wonderful tribute to the both of you. 

From there we went to the cemetery for a short visit. We met all four of your grandparents and sang Happy Birthday as we left presents on your grave. We all had written letters to you and decided to tie them to balloons. On the count of 3, we let all of them go at once and watched them float up above us in to the clouds. I didn't think it would actually work because it was only about 10 degrees that day and Helium doesn't react well with cold air. But, it did and it was so incredible and beautiful. All of the balloons, grouped together on their own and continued straight up above us the entire way until they disappeared in to the clouds. It was like you were pulling them straight up to you so you could enjoy their fun and read our letters. 

After leaving the cemetery, all of us went out for dinner. We had a really nice meal and conversation. It was nice to all be together for your special day. After dinner, we lit a candle on your birthday cake and had Mackenzie blow it out. Having cake was a nice way to end our day. We really did focus on making the day a celebration of your lives instead of a day of mourning. It was really difficult and the tears did come but overall, it was a wonderful tribute to you both. 

The days following your birthday, your daddy and I spent a lot of time talking about those days in the hospital and all that we have endured since. We are in awe of how many of our friends and family have been touched by your short lives here on earth. How many of them you truly impacted and wanted us to know that you were remembered by them all. We received so many emails, phone calls, cards and even a few gifts in honor of your big day. You are loved and missed by so many.  

It is hard to believe that a year has gone by and we have survived. At times, I didn't believe that we would or that it was even possible and yet, we are still here. The pain is still there but it isn't as raw as it originally once felt but, I still miss and long for you every single day. I try to imagine you a year older but I can't because you will always be my newborn babies. I love you so much. All my hugs and kisses...mommy.