A whirl wind...

Life has changed dramatically since I last posted. I delivered 2 healthy babies on September 30th at only 32 weeks. Their delivery was a whirl wind and we were so worried about them being delivered at only 32 weeks. Caiden was born first and weighed 4lbs 8oz and is Isabelle came second weighing 4lbs 5 oz. They spent 22 days in the NICU but are home healthy and thriving. Going back to the place were Declan and Lucas died was pretty awful. The staff was amazing as they knew our story and the loss we had suffered the year before. I didn't get to see Caiden and Isabelle for 24 hours after my c-section as I had to stay on the magnesium due to the severe eclampsia I had developed. Kevin had to brave the NICU all himself and I came to find out many weeks later that they had placed Isabelle and Caiden in the exact same room and exact place in that room where Declan and Lucas had died. When I found this out, I want to vomit, knowing that Kevin had to endure such heartache, fear and shock all on his own. Being the amazing man that he is he calmly told the doctors that he was so grateful for their care for Isabelle and Caiden but that he needed to have them moved before I was able to see them. He did not want me coming in to the NICU to see our two premature babies in the same exact place where we had already lost two children. The staff was so apologetic and moved them immediately. He explained that there was no need for apologies as it was no ones fault but that he would just really be appreciative if we didn't have to be in that exact spot as it was hard enough being in the NICU given the circumstances and our history. Kevin really is an amazing person, I can't say that enough about him. We endured those 22 days and while our first experience in the NICU was always very present in our minds, we truly did focus on how well Caiden and Isabelle were doing. We spent time their everyday and did our best to bond with them while traveling the hour back and forth from our home. It was a long 22 days and I am amazed at the fact that some parents have do it for much much longer.

A few weeks after the babies came home, we had a scare with Caiden as he failed his Cystic Fibrosis test on the initial newborn screening. After 2 repeat sweat tests, that didn't work, we were told to do a different genetic test and had to wait an agonizing 5 weeks. The amazing news is that it was a false positive so while he is a carrier for CF, he doesn't actually have the disease. It was amazing news to hear only a few days prior to Christmas.

Christmas was very anticipated this year at our house by all of us. It was as I imagine it will be for the rest of our lives, a time to celebrate but at the same time we also feel the loss that Declan and Lucas are missing. While, Caiden and Isabelle made this Christmas exciting and fun, they did not take away that pain or replace the fact the Declan and Lucas were gone. We went to the cemetery on Christmas Day to lay our presents for the boys out under their tree. It was a time for Kevin and I to spend some time alone and talk about how much we missed them and how much life has changed in the last almost 2 years. We talked, cried and tried to remember the moments we spent with them only to realize that so much of that time was truly a blur. We could help each other fill in some of the missing moments but a lot of it is hard to remember... I guess that is what happens when you are in shock?

To say that life is the same is just not true. Life has changed for us dramatically and honestly life is good and we are happy. However, we both have our moments of overwhelming grief over the loss of Declan and Lucas. Yet, we both have come to realize that for our own sake and the sake of our family, we had to figure out a way to be happy again. Caiden and Isabelle did not replace Declan and Lucas. The boys can never be replaced, they will forever be our two middle children and they will forever be missed. But Caiden and Isabelle have given us hope and faith that for a long time we had questioned and/or lost. I have realized that for the rest of my life, I will always wonder "why" but I will never know the answer and I have to be as okay as I can be with that question. As the boys second birthday approaches, I find myself becoming more and more exhausted. I can feel that weight of their death pushing down on me and I do wonder if I will feel this weight every year for the rest of my life or if in time will that weight lessen? Grief is an odd thing as it doesn't fit a specific time line or have any rules. It comes and "goes" as it pleases and it always knows how to knock you down to the ground. I have learned that it is okay be knocked down, as long as I always remember that I also know that I have the strength to get back up.