I feel awful for not writing more but, after so much time with my grief, I am often at a loss for what to say. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to feel like I shouldn't have the "right" to grieve any more because I am so grateful for all the good that has come in to my life but it doesn't cancel out the bad. It does make the bad more manageable and it does help me to appreciate life in a different way. I have changed so much since the boys died but that doesn't mean that I don't think about them or miss them every single day. I have just learned to control that grief and at times when I am lucky to turn it in to positive work that the boys would be proud of. I often tell other moms or those whom will listen, "I can't be a "parent" to my sons in the traditional sense but I can still be a "parent" to them by doing things in their name and memory." For me, this has become a passion that I am proud of and will hope to continue throughout my life in one form or another. Right now it is all the work I do with the March of Dimes but I am realistic that as time creeps up on me, all that I do in their name may change. Right now, that doesn't sit well with me, but at the same time, I am realistic about how quickly life changes.
On a different note, a very special little girl, Ella, needs our prayers. She has recently been diagnosed with ALL Luekemia and is undergoing Chemo. Her parents are being rocked by this horrible disease as they have to watch their 4 year-old child endure things that no parent ever hopes to have to witness. They are amazing people and Ella is showing such amazing strength for such a young child. Please send them your thoughts and prayers for the Chemo to work and for Ella to go into remission.