A whirl wind...

Life has changed dramatically since I last posted. I delivered 2 healthy babies on September 30th at only 32 weeks. Their delivery was a whirl wind and we were so worried about them being delivered at only 32 weeks. Caiden was born first and weighed 4lbs 8oz and is Isabelle came second weighing 4lbs 5 oz. They spent 22 days in the NICU but are home healthy and thriving. Going back to the place were Declan and Lucas died was pretty awful. The staff was amazing as they knew our story and the loss we had suffered the year before. I didn't get to see Caiden and Isabelle for 24 hours after my c-section as I had to stay on the magnesium due to the severe eclampsia I had developed. Kevin had to brave the NICU all himself and I came to find out many weeks later that they had placed Isabelle and Caiden in the exact same room and exact place in that room where Declan and Lucas had died. When I found this out, I want to vomit, knowing that Kevin had to endure such heartache, fear and shock all on his own. Being the amazing man that he is he calmly told the doctors that he was so grateful for their care for Isabelle and Caiden but that he needed to have them moved before I was able to see them. He did not want me coming in to the NICU to see our two premature babies in the same exact place where we had already lost two children. The staff was so apologetic and moved them immediately. He explained that there was no need for apologies as it was no ones fault but that he would just really be appreciative if we didn't have to be in that exact spot as it was hard enough being in the NICU given the circumstances and our history. Kevin really is an amazing person, I can't say that enough about him. We endured those 22 days and while our first experience in the NICU was always very present in our minds, we truly did focus on how well Caiden and Isabelle were doing. We spent time their everyday and did our best to bond with them while traveling the hour back and forth from our home. It was a long 22 days and I am amazed at the fact that some parents have do it for much much longer.

A few weeks after the babies came home, we had a scare with Caiden as he failed his Cystic Fibrosis test on the initial newborn screening. After 2 repeat sweat tests, that didn't work, we were told to do a different genetic test and had to wait an agonizing 5 weeks. The amazing news is that it was a false positive so while he is a carrier for CF, he doesn't actually have the disease. It was amazing news to hear only a few days prior to Christmas.

Christmas was very anticipated this year at our house by all of us. It was as I imagine it will be for the rest of our lives, a time to celebrate but at the same time we also feel the loss that Declan and Lucas are missing. While, Caiden and Isabelle made this Christmas exciting and fun, they did not take away that pain or replace the fact the Declan and Lucas were gone. We went to the cemetery on Christmas Day to lay our presents for the boys out under their tree. It was a time for Kevin and I to spend some time alone and talk about how much we missed them and how much life has changed in the last almost 2 years. We talked, cried and tried to remember the moments we spent with them only to realize that so much of that time was truly a blur. We could help each other fill in some of the missing moments but a lot of it is hard to remember... I guess that is what happens when you are in shock?

To say that life is the same is just not true. Life has changed for us dramatically and honestly life is good and we are happy. However, we both have our moments of overwhelming grief over the loss of Declan and Lucas. Yet, we both have come to realize that for our own sake and the sake of our family, we had to figure out a way to be happy again. Caiden and Isabelle did not replace Declan and Lucas. The boys can never be replaced, they will forever be our two middle children and they will forever be missed. But Caiden and Isabelle have given us hope and faith that for a long time we had questioned and/or lost. I have realized that for the rest of my life, I will always wonder "why" but I will never know the answer and I have to be as okay as I can be with that question. As the boys second birthday approaches, I find myself becoming more and more exhausted. I can feel that weight of their death pushing down on me and I do wonder if I will feel this weight every year for the rest of my life or if in time will that weight lessen? Grief is an odd thing as it doesn't fit a specific time line or have any rules. It comes and "goes" as it pleases and it always knows how to knock you down to the ground. I have learned that it is okay be knocked down, as long as I always remember that I also know that I have the strength to get back up.

Baby clothes....

Tomorrow, I will be 31 weeks pregnant and am so grateful for this time that I have had with my children growing inside of me. Since, I reached the 28 week mark, I have had a few people ask me when I felt like I would be ready to take out the baby stuff. My thought was the day I brought them home from the hospital but I know that it needs to be sooner than that. It is hard to imagine being so afraid of things like baby clothes, bottles and nursery items, but it is so hard to have them in front of you and actually open the lids to touch them. To all of us whom have lost children, one of the most difficult things is to come home and see constant reminders of what should have been. To have to pack up the things they never got wear or use. I was so grateful that my mom and MIL were able to put the majority of stuff away for me but I still had some items to take care of myself. I remember wanting my house to be back to the way it was before we had rearranged it to make room for two more children. I put every little thing back to where it "belong" "before" everything happened as if it would help to ease the pain, it didn't but at that point of insanity it made sense to me.

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary and I have been thinking all day about how much we have endured the last few years. I know that without my husband being the type of man that he is that I would never have survived these last years. Because of our tragedy, we are stronger both as individuals and as a couple because we force ourselves to be. We didn't give up as much as we both wanted to but we have endured and although the pain is still there, we have learned how to acknowledge the pain and use it to do better in our lives. We miss the boys everyday and not a day goes by that we don't think of them and what they would be like if they were here with us today.

So today, I am looking for the strength to open up these bins of clothes. To remember, the last time they were opened and find the strength to have faith that this time will be different. To believe that these babies will get to use these clothes and come home with us. To remember, Declan and Lucas and the short amount of treasured time we had with them instead of dwelling on the horrible grief. To allow myself some excitement over baby stuff instead of the excruciating fear and guilt. So, here I go...I will touch and smell their clothes. I will cry and smile at the same time. But most importantly I will love Declan and Lucas just as much as I love their older sister and these two little peanuts growing inside of me.

Struggling

I feel as if I am treading water and just trying to keep my head a float. This week we are 23 weeks pregnant and I am constantly going back to this same week with Declan and Lucas. This week was the week when everything went from being "stable" to out of control. As I count the 6 days down to 24 weeks, I am reminded that the boys were born at 23 weeks and 5 days. I know that 24 weeks is considered viability but it is still way to soon and the chance of survival, as we know all to well, are very slim. I have been counting the days to 28 weeks and we are only 34 days away. This seems like a realistic and do able amount of time but at the same time I am very aware of just how long it really is. Things can go from good to bad in literally a heartbeat.

I lay here tonight scared and frustrated at the "unknown". I am trying to put my unwavering faith in God but, I am only human and the fear can be consuming. I am only 4 and half weeks in to bed rest and I am exhausted. I often lie around thinking about Declan and Lucas and all that we have been through. I talk to them constantly, asking them to watch over Mackenzie and of course their little brother and sister growing inside of me. Praying to them, to help protect their sibblings and asking them to speak to God on our behalf. It is hard to not feel guilty about asking them to watch over their siblings, I don't want them to feel forgot or that these babies are their replacement. Declan and Lucas will always be our 2nd and 3rd children and these babies will be our 4th and 5th no matter what. All my children, hold a special place in my heart whether they are here with myself and Kevin or up in heaven.

Tonight, I just am so tired and emotional. I missed the boys so very much and wish they were here. I have become so in love and attached to the two growing inside of me that I am in anguish over the horrible thought of losing them too. The reality is that no one can tell me why my pregnancy failed with the boys and no one can guarantee me that we will bring home from the hospital two children. So, I sit here and wait, pray, and cry over the unknown. We are so close to having two healthy children but at the same time, we know just how far away we still are from having two alive children.

Prayer Request

****UPDATE - I just wanted to let everyone know that Devon is still in the hospital but both her and the baby are hanging in there. She is now 22 weeks and is hoping for a minimum of another 2 weeks. The doctors continue to monitor and change the dose on her Magnesium levels as she needs them. Thank you for your continued positive thoughts and prayers. ****


I am asking for prayers from all of you that read my blog. My dear friend Devon, whom lost her twin boys at only 23 weeks about 16 months ago, is in the hospital fighting to hold on to the baby girl growing inside of her. She is currently just 21 weeks pregnant and is having complications with this pregnancy. She is in the hospital on Magnesium to help with the issues that she is experiencing but needs for this baby to stay inside of her until at least 24 weeks which is about 21 days away. Having a child born at 24 weeks is terrifying beyond belief because there are no guarantees of survival at this stage which she knows all too well. Please pray that she will keep this baby in for at least 3 more weeks but preferably more like 7 or more weeks to really give this baby girl a true fighting chance. This mother, like so many others I know, has endured so much pain in the last year in half and it is beyond comprehension for me for her to have to experience it all over again. The doctors are doing everything they can but she needs prayers to help ease her body, mind, and heart on this situation. She is exhausted to say the least physically, mentally and emotionally over her circumstances.

Devon, you are loved by so many and I hope that all of our prayers are answered. I pray that you will be bringing home a beautiful healthy little girl many months from now.

Love you, Melissa

News of Loss and Sadness

A mother from one of my support boards gave birth to her son earlier this week at just under 24 weeks. Her sweet baby fought hard but his little body could no longer endure the trauma of life outside of her womb. Her sweet baby enter the kingdom of Heaven today and joined not only Declan, Lucas and so many others but also joined his very own brother. This woman and her family have already endure the horrible loss of a child born premature and my heart breaks for her as she once again is faced with the death of another child. Please send her and her family prayers to help her find the strength to endure the loss of another beautiful baby. 

As I sit here thinking about this woman, I am reminded of just how unfair life is and how difficult it is to remain positive amongst such tragedy. It is hard for me not to questions God's plan for this family and even for myself. She has already endure one loss and to have to endure another is just hard to fathom. It just shows me that tragedy doesn't just strike once, you are not exempt from it striking again just because you endured it once. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle but he sure may push you close to the edge. I want to believe and have faith in the positive but at times like this I am shaken once again.

Vivid Dreams

I have been having so many vivid dreams lately but last night was unbelievable. I was dreaming about having to explain the death of Declan and Lucas to a group of people and the people I was explaining it too just didn't get it. They were saying the most awful things and didn't stop interrupting me until I finally started sobbing and screaming all the horrible details of the events leading up to and after their death. I literally woke up around 4 am this morning just sobbing and my heart was racing because I was so upset. My pillow was wet from crying and I just continue to sob because it brought back so vividly the feelings from all those weeks and months. The feelings of needing to validate their lives to people who just didn't and still don't get our loss or the grief we feel over not having them. The people who think we are "all better" because we have been forced to continue on with the "normalcy" of life even after burying two children. I don't like going back to that dark dark place that I was once stuck in but there are times like this morning when I don't have a choice. When the grief just knocks you down when you least expect it all over again. 

March of Dimes Follow-Up

We participated in our 2nd March of Dimes walk a few weeks of ago and it was a beautiful day. We all met at the zoo and by all I mean about 35 of us, adults and children, on our family team. The weather was so beautiful for this early in May, in the Midwest and the zoo was a great place to have a walk with all of the children participating. We were the Ambassador family for our area's walk and I was asked to speak. I spoke about the importance of walking and raising awareness because not every family, like ours, gets to bring their babies home from the hospital. That not all families get to experience those miracle 24 weeker stories but instead deal with the grief of the death of their child or children. It was not a long speech, it was too emotional and I choked back the tears as I looked over the faces of all of our supportive friends and family. Yes, it was an emotional day but it was a good day. We raised an astounding amount of money as a family team and I am anxious to hear how much money was raised as a community. We honored our sons in a beautiful way and we were reminded just how much they were loved by so many people. 

Thank you so much to all of you whom walked and/or donated to our family team.