Should have been 4 months today...

Today, my sons, Declan and Lucas should have been 4 months old. I try to imagine all of the mile stone that they would be reaching at the 4 month mark in their lives. I know that because they were born at 24 weeks, that they probably just would have gotten out of the NICU but that would have been a mile stone or accomplishment all in itself. I try to imagine what life would be like with these two little boys to love and watch grow along side of their big sister. How they would love and interact with each other. How she would be the best big sister and teach them so many wonderful things. I think of all of these wonderful dreams but unfortunately that is all they are dreams...shattered dreams of what should have been.

We put together a swing set for Mackenzie this last weekend and it breaks my heart to watch her play on it by herself. She should be showing the boys, how to use the slide or the swings in preparation for when they were old enough to do so. I hear her laughing and calling out to us to push her more in the swing and it makes me so sad to know that I will never hear the boys call out for us to do the same. I watch the swings blowing in the wind and I think to myself is that the wind blowing the swings or is it a sign that the boys are there wanting me to look for them. I hope it is them out on the swings and not the wind...

My heart aches for them and my mind questions constantly "WHY, Why did this happen?" Yet, I have no answers...will I ever get the answer I so badly need? Even if I do get the answer, will I ever agree with why the boys were taken from me? Is there a reason that my husband and I are forced to live and suffer without them?

Tomorrow, is Declan's angel day. Another hard day for our family. On Thursday, is Lucas' angel day. Again, another hard day for our family. Three long days in a row, thinking of them and wishing they were here to hold, kiss and love. When will the heartache stop? Does it stop when my heart stops and I get to meet them again? I wish I knew, I wish I could be with them now. But, until then I ask them to visit me in my dreams because that is the closest thing I have to being near them. Maybe tonight they will visit, I hope so. Tonight, I need a sign that they are close, a sign that they know how much I miss them and love them. Tonight, I need the dream to be a reality.