Panic Attack

It happened again, I had a Panic Attack. I haven't had one in months but I just have been so overwhelmed and frustrated lately. I knew I was having one and luckily, I was at the doctor's office so she knew I was having one. My resting heart rate was 97 and I was just so on edge all day.

The holidays are really starting to get to me...I just don't know how to put everything in to the right perspective. Every time, I think about them, I want cry or I do start crying. I miss the boys so much and I just want them to be here. The holidays just make it all the harder because you envision all the fun things outside of the everyday normal activities that we would have done together. I hate that I am grieving them so much everyday and yet, I feel that others forgot that they ever existed. I hate that I feel like people think it is taboo to talk about them, like I am diseased and if they get to close they will give them the dead child disease. I don't want to be sad all the time and I am not but on the days that I am sad I want for that to be okay. I want to be able to cry without people wondering why I am not all better or over it yet. I want to be able to cry and for people to not get uncomfortable. I want to be able to grieve over the holidays and cry without feeling like I am ruining everyone elses holiday. I don't want to have to hold it in but I know that is what I will end up doing.

I am tired of seeing so many happy families with multiple kids and feeling so envious. That should be us but it is not and it completely deflates me. I have teen at my school whom are pregnant and it is so frustrating and infuriating to me. Why them, why not me! Why can't I get pregnant easily, have an easy pregnancy and be taking home a healthy child. I want to know why not us?

I have started talking to my OB about trying again and it just put it all back in to perspective about how hard it is just to get pregnant. All the pills I have to take just to give us a chance. All the doctors appointments that lay ahead. All the wondering and the worrying. Knowing that if this doesn't work, it is back to more shots, even more appointments and even more risk, worrying and stress. Then comes the pain of feeling like I am trying to replace the boys. That if I bring a new baby in to this house, it will be like they truly never existed. That everyone will forget about them as if they didn't matter or as if the pain won't be there any more.

The guilt about enjoying not being pregnant right now. Want a baby but not wanting to be pregnant because it just is not enjoyable. I want to love being pregnant but when I am pregnant I am nothing but a nervous wreck and terrified. Every time, I use the bathroom I think the pregnancy will end in miscarriage. Every back ache, I think is cramping or contractions. Being on bed rest and the stress of just thinking about all that could go wrong. Now, I have experience the worst and so another pregnancy is going to be even harder because I am going to be even more terrified. I so long for a pregnancy where I can just enjoy being pregnant, enjoy getting fat, enjoy feeling the baby move and not worry about all the what ifs...but that just isn't my reality and it sucks!

If we do get pregnant, how will I really feel? Will I bond with this baby while it is inside of me? Will I be able to enjoy my daughter or will I miss out on all that is going on with her due to bed rest or complications. What will people say or how will they react when they find out? What do I do about work? Is it going to be safe enough for me to continue working while being pregnant given my history? Will be get to bring this child home? Healthy??? Will I miss the boys even more?

These are just some of the reasons for my panic attack, I could go on but right now I can't. My mind and my heart are racing. I just wish things were easier. I just wish that I wasn't so tired. I am so tired of being tired. I have to remember God never promised us a perfect life here on earth. Here I have to take the good with all the bad and make due with the cards that I am dealt.