Tears...

The last few weeks have been filled with tears. Unfortunately, they are not just tears over the lost of my own sons but for two other mothers whom lost their little boys this week. My heart just aches for them and the weeks, months and years of enduring grief that lies ahead. After 8 months, I can still feel the heaviness and the emptiness in my arms. That ache to hold the boys and feel their weight in my arms but instead it is an emptiness but at the same time it is so unbearably heavy. The heaviness continues in to my chest, at times feeling like it is going to crush my heart. At times, I wish it would so that I didn't have to feel this pain any more. I cry for the moms that I email with and read their blogs for their pain is mine and mine is theirs. We are connected in a way that no mother should ever be and yet this bond is what helps each of us get through our days.

Today at the cemetery, I watched Kevin cry from a distance and my heart just felt like it broke in to a hundred more pieces. He misses the boys so much and I often forget that he misses them just as much as I do because he doesn't cry as much in front of me as I do in front of him. Leaving the cemetery, the tears streamed down both of our faces and we talked about the boys. The emptiness we both feel without them here and the finality of death is such a reminder when you sit at their grave site. Again, the tears are pouring as I sit and think of my wonderful, strong, loving husbands broken heart over the loss of the boys. I can't help but feel responsible for breaking his heart and that makes me cry even harder tonight. I am so sorry Kevin and while I know you don't hold me responsible. I can't help but hold my body responsible for the loss of our boys. You deserve to have them here with you...with Mackenzie....with us....