Dreading the Holidays....

I just want the next four months to over and done with so that I don't have to deal with the fact that our family is not all here for the holidays. I use to love the holidays and now thinking about them puts a pit in the bottom of my stomach. Last year, I was so excited thinking about how this year was going to be around holiday time and now it is just literally heartbreaking to know that we won't be celebrating with the boys. There is Mackenzie's birthday, Halloween, Kevin's birthday, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Year's Eve, the one year birthday of Declan and Lucas and then final both of their angelversaries. Four long months...I wish I could just close my eyes and February 1st would be here. I don't want to celebrate, I just want to curl up in a ball and wish it all away. Selfish of me, I know, I feel like a horrible mom, a horrible wife, a horrible person. Tonight, just sucks and I just don't want to feel like this any more.