News of Loss and Sadness

A mother from one of my support boards gave birth to her son earlier this week at just under 24 weeks. Her sweet baby fought hard but his little body could no longer endure the trauma of life outside of her womb. Her sweet baby enter the kingdom of Heaven today and joined not only Declan, Lucas and so many others but also joined his very own brother. This woman and her family have already endure the horrible loss of a child born premature and my heart breaks for her as she once again is faced with the death of another child. Please send her and her family prayers to help her find the strength to endure the loss of another beautiful baby. 

As I sit here thinking about this woman, I am reminded of just how unfair life is and how difficult it is to remain positive amongst such tragedy. It is hard for me not to questions God's plan for this family and even for myself. She has already endure one loss and to have to endure another is just hard to fathom. It just shows me that tragedy doesn't just strike once, you are not exempt from it striking again just because you endured it once. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle but he sure may push you close to the edge. I want to believe and have faith in the positive but at times like this I am shaken once again.

Vivid Dreams

I have been having so many vivid dreams lately but last night was unbelievable. I was dreaming about having to explain the death of Declan and Lucas to a group of people and the people I was explaining it too just didn't get it. They were saying the most awful things and didn't stop interrupting me until I finally started sobbing and screaming all the horrible details of the events leading up to and after their death. I literally woke up around 4 am this morning just sobbing and my heart was racing because I was so upset. My pillow was wet from crying and I just continue to sob because it brought back so vividly the feelings from all those weeks and months. The feelings of needing to validate their lives to people who just didn't and still don't get our loss or the grief we feel over not having them. The people who think we are "all better" because we have been forced to continue on with the "normalcy" of life even after burying two children. I don't like going back to that dark dark place that I was once stuck in but there are times like this morning when I don't have a choice. When the grief just knocks you down when you least expect it all over again. 

March of Dimes Follow-Up

We participated in our 2nd March of Dimes walk a few weeks of ago and it was a beautiful day. We all met at the zoo and by all I mean about 35 of us, adults and children, on our family team. The weather was so beautiful for this early in May, in the Midwest and the zoo was a great place to have a walk with all of the children participating. We were the Ambassador family for our area's walk and I was asked to speak. I spoke about the importance of walking and raising awareness because not every family, like ours, gets to bring their babies home from the hospital. That not all families get to experience those miracle 24 weeker stories but instead deal with the grief of the death of their child or children. It was not a long speech, it was too emotional and I choked back the tears as I looked over the faces of all of our supportive friends and family. Yes, it was an emotional day but it was a good day. We raised an astounding amount of money as a family team and I am anxious to hear how much money was raised as a community. We honored our sons in a beautiful way and we were reminded just how much they were loved by so many people. 

Thank you so much to all of you whom walked and/or donated to our family team. 

March for Babies

I have been trying to help out with the March of Dimes as much as I can without over doing it. They asked me to speak a few weeks ago to kick off our walk season and it went pretty well. I was all prepared for what to say and was totally caught off guard when I started to get all choked up. Talking to a room full of people, some of whom I knew really got what I and Kevin are living thru. Often the speaker is one of those miracle babies parents but that wasn't us. I was the speaker who put a face to the fact that there is still a very high precentage of babies that don't survive because of so many different reasons. I was the mother up there talking while trying not to sob about the grief she is experiencing because she misses her sons so much. I kind of figured after choking thru the first experience they wouldn't ask me to speak again but I was wrong! They asked me to speak at a March for Babies Egg Hunt in our area and then they asked our family to be the Ambassador family. I am so thrilled to be able to honor our sons this way. To show that we have lost so much and this is why it is so important to continue to support this fight for our children. I am nervous about breaking down but at the same time, it makes me feel good to do something positive in the midst of our tragedy.

Tomorrow, marks 14 months since the boys were here. I miss them so much right now...tonight...this minute.

Prayer Request..

To all of you whom read my blog, I am so grateful and I ask a favor of you all. My best friend, Heather, whom has stood by us and supported us through the death of Declan and Lucas needs a prayer answered. Her mother, whom has not been feeling very well lately, just had some test results returned that showed she has a growth in her brain. I am unsure currently, if the growth is malignant so, please pray that it is not and that she will recover from any treatment that she may need. Please pray, that she will continue to live a strong and healthy life in which she can see her beautiful daughter get married and have amazing children of her own someday. I know that God is listening and I pray that he will bless this woman with strength and health.

Heather, I love you and am so grateful that you are in our life.

Thinking of you today...

I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to Blake and Ethan. These two special boys turn one today up in Heaven instead of in the arms of their mom and dad.

Devon, I am thinking of you today and wishing you some sense of peace. You are an amazing woman and mother and I am so grateful for our friendship. You have helped me so much this last year and words can not express how grateful I am. I hope that if you are all feeling better, you get to do some of the things you hope to do to celebrate B and E's birthday. Please know that you are loved by so many.

Loss for words...

I haven't been writing much any more...I often feel like I am at a loss for words. I don't know what to say or I have too much too say and don't know how to convey it all. I have been journaling some privately, I guess I just feel to vulnerable right now to talk about trying again publicly. I fear people are going to tell me we are selfish for trying again or criticize us for the possibility of another pregnancy with complications. I also feel like a broken record, like all the grief I have, I have told over and over and over again. Afraid, people are tired of hearing our story and will tell me to stop talking about our sons because they have heard it all before and the story never changes. That is the part that people really don't get, the story will never change because all we had were those few short days and now they are gone. All we have to hold on to them are those memories that we repeat and tell over and over again. Telling me to move on or not wanting to hear them is like telling me to forget about them which I can never ever do.