Black clouds following me...

I am at a loss right now, numb to be exact. I am expected to receive another tremendous loss either this week or the next and the pain is so raw. It is not a child but my grandmother and I am heartbroken to see her in so much pain. It tears me into pieces to watch my dad care for her so lovingly and gentle with the pain in his eyes as she moans for the pain to go away. This has been such a horrible 10 months and I feel like everywhere around me their is death. I feel like I have a black cloud over me and I bring pain to all those in contact with me. I want for this 2008 year to be over so desperately and for the pain to be gone but I know it will continue. I want to take the pain away from my dad and my grandfather as they sit there attending to my dying grandmother wishing with all their hearts that they could help her. They can't help her and I can't ease their pain... This Thanksgiving was difficult to begin with because it marked the boys 10 month birthday and a holiday without them. It also was the first holiday without my grandma their with us to celebrate because she is bed ridden. It just is so hard, I don't know what else to say... Her dying is opening up the rawness that I have been trying so hard to heal and I am exhausted from trying to pretend that things are going to be okay or that they are going to get better. Again, I constantly wonder "WHY ME, my family" and "what did I do" to deserve this much pain? I am sorry for whatever I did...please enough is enough I don't know how much more I can endure...

Yesterday

Last night, I really needed to process what happened at school yesterday. It was an extremely tough day and I can honestly say that I was exhausted. As I think about yesterday and the days to come for these children, I am filled with so many emotions: sadness, fear and hope. My heart aches for all that they are enduring. A pain so deep that no one especially children so young should have to endure. A fear that some are trying to stifle their emotions and grief. That they are trying to be strong for those loved ones around them instead of allowing themselves to grieve the person they have lost. Hopeful that this experience will show them how courageous and strong they truly are and that they can enjoy life without feeling fearful or guilty for being happy. I was truly amazed at the strength of these students at such a young age. Some of them have endure more in their young lives than most adults and I pray that with love and guidance they can begin to heal.

I am also grateful and honored that I was asked to join their group and discussion. I know how hard it is to discuss feelings and show vulnerability in front of others. To show we are hurt or angry and to wonder if that is okay or even normal. I am so grateful that their group leader felt comfortable asking me and having faith in me to help these students. I don't know if my talking with them helped them or not but I do know that it helped me. I want for my sons death to have a purpose and not be in vain...I don't know if my attempting to help these children is the purpose that I am seeking for or not but it felt good. I am glad it felt good, I have waited for so long for something to feel truly this good. Even though, I was emotional and it was extremely difficult to talk with them but in the end, I felt good about what I did and I hope that is what matters.

The other reason yesterday was so hard for me to process was because we had a student pass away the night before due to cancer. I kept thinking about her pain and prayed that she was happy to be free from all of her pain and in a better place. Yet, I was so tormented because while I was relieved that she was free from her pain, I remembered being so angry when people told me to be happy that my sons were in a better place. That wasn't comforting when all I wanted was for them to be with me. So, I cried for her parents and their loss of such a precious child. How they have to endure no longer having her with them and this awful journey that they are now on. How they will have to hear from others that she too is in a better place which in their minds they understand but in their broken hearts they yearn for nothing more than for her to be with them. I pray that they can find the strength to grieve together and not isolate themselves from one another. I pray that all of her friends can find the strength to grieve for her and remember all the good memories. I ask that we send this family prayers to help support them through this most awful time ever in their lives. It is hard to find beauty and grace in this world when I hear of yet another mother and father losing their child but I need to remind myself that I have so many things to be thankful for especially my loved ones.

Helping Students?

Tomorrow, I am suppose to talk to a small group of students at the school where I work. All of these middle school children have lost someone close to them, either a parent or a sibling in the last year or so. I was asked to talk to them about what it feels like to grieve for my own children. I am nervous about what I should say to them and how I will respond to them. They can't understand my loss and I can't understand theirs but we can relate to the way it feels to lose that person or people that we love more than anything. We can relate and understand those same emotions, fears, regrets, the what ifs and the should bee's. I am afraid to break down in front of them as I talk about being angry over the death of Declan and Lucas. Telling them how my heart is broken and will forever have pieces missing from their death. The guilt of laughing, being happy and wanting more children even though it has been less than a year since they died. How do you help children come to terms with the emotions and feelings over losing those that they loved when you can't even do it yourself? How do you tell them it is okay to feel all of these emotions, when you so desperately don't want yourself to feel this way any more? Maybe, I don't? Maybe, I just tell them that this is the hard part of life, that life can be cruel and unfair...that it just plain sucks and we don't have any reasons for why bad things happen. I don't know what to say and I am afraid of letting them down. The boys died because I failed them, I let them down and I don't want to let these kids down. They are already hurting, sad and angry, I don't want to be one more let down for them. I want to help them, I want for the boys and all my hurt and struggles to have a purpose. Could this be the purpose I have so desperately been searching for....asking for... I need for all of this to matter.

Parenting?

I realized that there is another reason that I am dreading the next few months and that has to do with not being able to parent the boys. The only parenting that I am allowed to do for my sons is to make sure that there grave site is clean and beautiful. I make sure that I pull any weeds, clear away any grass clips, put out new flowers, post new letters, place out new toys and take pictures of how nice the site looks. With winter and snow coming, I won't be able to do all these things nor will I be able to visit as often. Even though they are not here, I can't seem to stop being a parent to them. When I see things at the store, I think the boys would have had fun with that toy or that would have looked cute on the boys. Sometimes, I buy them things and take it to the cemetery for them to have, even though I know it won't be physically used. I am sure people think what a waste of money and even probably think it is morbid but I just can't not be a parent to them and this is all I have in terms of parenting. It is the same when it comes to traditions in our family. The boys had a pumpkin this year, decorated for them. They will have a Christmas stocking and presents will be placed at their grave site. I hate that my "parenting" exists only as there grave site care taker... I guess it is true, once you are a parent, you are always a parent. You want to care for and love them in anyway you can. You want to show them in anyway and everyway that is possible. That desire and yearning to parent doesn't go away when they die...I think in someways it becomes stronger or maybe it is just away I am using to try to hold on to them anyway I can?

A Baby Girl!

Well, 46 hours and 1 c-section later, our friends welcomed the arrival of their beautiful daughter, Tessa Ann. Weighing in at 6lbs. 3 oz and measuring 21 inches long. We are thrilled for them and very grateful for all of the prayers. Both mom and daughter are healthy and dad is finally able to relax knowing both of his girls are safe.

Prayer needed

I am asking for all of you whom read this to please say a prayer today for our friends. They are currently at the hospital expected the arrival of their first child. Please pray that she has an quick, easy but most importantly SAFE delivery. Also, pray that she delivers a healthy little boy or girl. We are so excited for them!

Headstone

Well, I went and saw the boys headstone. It turned out really nice but I don't really know what else to say about it? Am I happy with it... not really because it marks the spot where my boys are buried. So, I just can't put happy in that sentence. It was a hard day. I guess, I wasn't really ready for the reality and finality of it. I thought I would be but, to just sit there and stare at is something of disbelief. I have to say it was an overwhelming day, a day of raw emotions and tears. I am glad that it is in and done because I wanted them to have marker. I want people to know where they are and whom they were but at the same time it just feels so wrong. I guess right now, I am still a little overwhelmed by the reality of having bought a headstone for my sons.