Yesterday

Last night, I really needed to process what happened at school yesterday. It was an extremely tough day and I can honestly say that I was exhausted. As I think about yesterday and the days to come for these children, I am filled with so many emotions: sadness, fear and hope. My heart aches for all that they are enduring. A pain so deep that no one especially children so young should have to endure. A fear that some are trying to stifle their emotions and grief. That they are trying to be strong for those loved ones around them instead of allowing themselves to grieve the person they have lost. Hopeful that this experience will show them how courageous and strong they truly are and that they can enjoy life without feeling fearful or guilty for being happy. I was truly amazed at the strength of these students at such a young age. Some of them have endure more in their young lives than most adults and I pray that with love and guidance they can begin to heal.

I am also grateful and honored that I was asked to join their group and discussion. I know how hard it is to discuss feelings and show vulnerability in front of others. To show we are hurt or angry and to wonder if that is okay or even normal. I am so grateful that their group leader felt comfortable asking me and having faith in me to help these students. I don't know if my talking with them helped them or not but I do know that it helped me. I want for my sons death to have a purpose and not be in vain...I don't know if my attempting to help these children is the purpose that I am seeking for or not but it felt good. I am glad it felt good, I have waited for so long for something to feel truly this good. Even though, I was emotional and it was extremely difficult to talk with them but in the end, I felt good about what I did and I hope that is what matters.

The other reason yesterday was so hard for me to process was because we had a student pass away the night before due to cancer. I kept thinking about her pain and prayed that she was happy to be free from all of her pain and in a better place. Yet, I was so tormented because while I was relieved that she was free from her pain, I remembered being so angry when people told me to be happy that my sons were in a better place. That wasn't comforting when all I wanted was for them to be with me. So, I cried for her parents and their loss of such a precious child. How they have to endure no longer having her with them and this awful journey that they are now on. How they will have to hear from others that she too is in a better place which in their minds they understand but in their broken hearts they yearn for nothing more than for her to be with them. I pray that they can find the strength to grieve together and not isolate themselves from one another. I pray that all of her friends can find the strength to grieve for her and remember all the good memories. I ask that we send this family prayers to help support them through this most awful time ever in their lives. It is hard to find beauty and grace in this world when I hear of yet another mother and father losing their child but I need to remind myself that I have so many things to be thankful for especially my loved ones.