Sunday, November 30, 2008

Black clouds following me...

I am at a loss right now, numb to be exact. I am expected to receive another tremendous loss either this week or the next and the pain is so raw. It is not a child but my grandmother and I am heartbroken to see her in so much pain. It tears me into pieces to watch my dad care for her so lovingly and gentle with the pain in his eyes as she moans for the pain to go away. This has been such a horrible 10 months and I feel like everywhere around me their is death. I feel like I have a black cloud over me and I bring pain to all those in contact with me. I want for this 2008 year to be over so desperately and for the pain to be gone but I know it will continue. I want to take the pain away from my dad and my grandfather as they sit there attending to my dying grandmother wishing with all their hearts that they could help her. They can't help her and I can't ease their pain... This Thanksgiving was difficult to begin with because it marked the boys 10 month birthday and a holiday without them. It also was the first holiday without my grandma their with us to celebrate because she is bed ridden. It just is so hard, I don't know what else to say... Her dying is opening up the rawness that I have been trying so hard to heal and I am exhausted from trying to pretend that things are going to be okay or that they are going to get better. Again, I constantly wonder "WHY ME, my family" and "what did I do" to deserve this much pain? I am sorry for whatever I did...please enough is enough I don't know how much more I can endure...

2 comments:

faithful love said...

Melissa, I am so so sorry for your pain and your gramma's... it has been a hard year, and you haven't done anything to cause it...God's word tells us, "the rain falls on the just and the unjust" we never invite these tough times, they just are result of the fallen world we live in. I wish there was something someone could do to help you, and I pray that God will send someone to come along side you and just be there to hug you, and pray with you, and listen to what you are feeling....I wish we were closer geographically, to be able to share that time...your words speak so clearly of your hurt, I'm glad you feel able to say them...and I hope you will keep saying them. Know I am praying for you, tonight and in the coming days for all of your family. I am sorry words are so inadequate...hugs to you, and God's mercy and grace to all of you.
Sorrowing with you...

Kirsten said...

Melissa,

God bless you, sweet friend. I wish I could give you a big hug of support. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother - I'll be praying for all of you. Life is so painful sometimes, but you are not walking through this alone. We are here praying for you and sending you words of encouragement.

It is amazing that you shared your grieving heart with your middle schoolers. You are a light to others even in the midst of the black clouds.

My mom died when I was in the 7th grade and I would have benefited greatly to have heard someone share there feelings about loss. You were a huge blessing to those kids - more than you may ever know. Sharing your heart with them was such a gift. I pray that you were blessed.

Blessings to you. God will cover you with His wings when the clouds seem dark. Rest in Him. He will be your source of comfort and peace.