So, today was my birthday and I can definitely say that I am a year older, a year wiser, and even a year stronger. I cried yesterday, in the car, thinking about turning 31. Not because I have a problem with being 31 but because another year has gone by and again I have had another pregnancy fail. Last year, I thought to myself, I am going to be 30 years old and have 3 children! How exciting, how tiring and how fun! Now, I am 31 and instead I still have my wonderful daughter at home to raise but my sons are gone. How did I go from having 3 children alive with me and all the happiness in the world to being a grieving mother of 2 children all by the age of 31? Today, I am struggling with my age in terms of becoming to old to have more children. How sad is that...31 too old. But, when you face fertility issues, they sure like to remind you of the statistics especially once you reach the dreaded age of 30 plus. I had this perfect little time frame all planned out and that time has come and gone and still my "family" here on earth is incomplete?
When I think back to my last birthday, I was so excited and so optimistic about having a healthy outcome. A year later, so much has changed... I am not that same person and I never will be again. I can't go back to whom I was before the boys died, when they died so did a large part of me. I can't be fixed, but I am working on being mended. I am getting stronger and I am definitely wiser. I know now that we really do have to take the bad with the good in our lives. We may not want to accept or understand all the bad but it is a part of life and we can't run from it. I am learning what it means to have faith even in our darkest moments and I am praying for the miracle of another life to be blessed upon us again. So, yes I am still grieving and yes, I am still sad and angry but I am also stronger and wiser. I miss my sons and that pain just doesn't vanish away because I am year older. That pain will always be there but just in more tolerable amounts as the years continue on without them.
My birthday wish is that by the time I am 32 we will either have or be expecting another healthy son or daughter that we get to bring home this time to be with us.
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4 comments:
praying that birthday wish for you!
happy birthday! i am 31 also!!
You've been on a looooong road this year, and I am sure it will continue for a lifetime. I turned 31 last month, and I can't imagine what you are feeling right now at 31, as a mommy, as a wife. Stay strong if you can. Maybe this is silly, but there is a big part of me that believes that allowing yourself to be weak is a strong quality to have. Be weak, be strong, be whoever or whatever you need to be. Yikes, I have no idea what you are going through, and I am writing as if I do. Take care! Signing off...
Happy Birthday (one day late)!
I have just read your whole blog. Firstly let me say you are amazing. You have suffered such a huge loss, yet you still go on everyday, get out of bed, enjoy your beautiful daughter. I don't know where you get that stregnth from, but it is amazing.
Your sons are just beautiful. I love the photo of Declans feet. And how small was little Lucas wearing that ring!! Such a precious reminder of such sweet little things.
Please keep blogging, I am drowning here in tears, feeling your pain, aching from the loss of your 2 darling angels. Remember that they are always watching over you and your family.
Have a wonderful Christmas, enjoy it with Mackenzie, take a moment (or 100) to remember the boys, one day you will all be together again.
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