Heavy Heart

I sit here with a heavy heart tonight because my family has suffered two deaths this week. My grandma passed away after a very long battle with cancer. She died in the comfort of her own home with her family around her and her husband holding her hand. It has been an extremely emotional time for me because we were so very close. She was more than just a grandma, she was like have a second set of parents to care for me and my sister. We talked so often and she was so funny, loving and compassionate. It was hard to see how quickly she deteriorated these last few weeks and how much she was suffering. I know she is up in heaven with my sons and I am so comforted by that fact. To know that she is loving them, holding them and caring for them for myself and Kevin. I think about her death and I am at peace with it. I miss her but I am so glad that she no longer has to suffer. I know that she has lived an amazing and long life for which we celebrated this week. Death is difficult but with my grandma it was to be expected for she was sick and she was elderly. What I can't understand is the death of a child?

Kevin's cousin lost her child this week. She found out that the child that she was carrying in her womb had Spina Bifida only a few short weeks ago. Her husband and herself found the strength to continue with this pregnancy and made the decision to not terminate but to love this child unconditionally no matter what the outcome was. Tonight, I sit here with such a heavy heart to learn that this unborn child died in her womb. I sit here knowing this awful journey that her husband and her are embarking upon and I am devastated for them. I don't know the details of her labor but I pray that it was swift and as pain free as possible. I hope that they both got to spend time as much time as they needed with their son after his birth, loving him, holding him and just being with him. I know that the time they spent will never seem like it is enough but I pray that they can focus on the memories they made with that little amount of time they had with him. I hope that the nurses knew to take as many pictures as possible and allowed for them to do whatever they needed as parents during this time with their son. 

When a grandparent or the elderly die it is to be expected. We expect that we will bury our grandparents and then our parents but we never expect to bury our children. It just doesn't seem right, it just doesn't fit in the order for what we expect in terms of death. We don't bury the young, it just doesn't make sense...it is hard to comprehend and accept. It is difficult to accept "why" God chooses the young to come to heaven instead of allowing them to be raised by their parents. When God choices a child as an angel, we question the wisdom of his love and the reason "why"? I have realized that it is okay to question and that god can take my questioning and even my anger. He will eventually in either this life time or in the next explain to me the "why" I just have to be patient and not give up my faith in him, my family, my strength in myself.

There is a quote that I like by an unknown author:

An angel of the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." -author unknown

Each child is a beautiful gift from god. I have learned to not take anyone of my pregnancy for granted because there is no guarantees in life and especially not with pregnancy. Unfortunately for so some of us being pregnant is not an easy task because we have endured the worst due to miscarriage, premature birth, genetic defects and death of our babies. We learn to be more than cautious because we have suffered the no "guarantees" in our lives and our families. God sometimes blesses us with children and then takes them from us before we have had the chance to known them and raise them. We continue to love them unconditionally and we don't love them any less than those children that remain alive and in our lives to be raised by us. When you lose a child you are forever changed, there is no going back to the way it was before that child died. You are forever missing a pieces of your family and your heart. I am learning that while I wish the boys were here with me and knowing they never will be is different than accepting why they were taken from me. I can accept that they are in heaven but that doesn't mean that I have to agree with the fact that I didn't get the chance to raise them or know them. 

This is a long and painful road that I am learning to travel on but it is excruciating to know that another family member is just beginning her journey. This is one "club" that no mother wishes upon another mother. Telling her that her child is in a better place, may be true, but it is something that no mother ever wants to here. So, I ask that you pray for this woman and her family as they begin to find themselves on this dark path. Give them the strength to lean on each other and their family whom love them so. Pray for their hurting hearts and the wisdom to know that they did everything they could to protect and love their son. 

The saddest word, goodbye

When God calls our children

to dwell with Him above,

We mortals sometimes question

the wisdom of His love.

For no heartache compares with, 

the death of one small child.

Who does so much to make our world,

seem so wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling

the aged to His fold.

So, He picks a rosebud

before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them,

and so He takes but few.

To make the land of heaven

more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult

still somehow we must try.

The saddest word mankind knows

will always be Good-bye.

So when a little child departs,

we who are left behind,

Must realize God loves children.

Angels Are Hard To Find!

Author Unknown