Christmas Letter

December 24, 2008

Dear Declan and Lucas,

It is hard to believe that Christmas is here already. So much has changed from this year to last. Last year, we were filled with excitement, nerves and joy. This year, we are filled with grief, sadness and loneliness. We miss you both so very very much.

We received some very beautiful gifts in memory of you both. They were heartfelt and wonderful which of course brought tears to both of our eyes. Yet, it is hard to be joyful and excited when we are missing you both so very much. We try very hard for Mackenzie and our family to put on a happy face and try to live in the now but it is hard to not dwell in the past.

Your daddy has been very patient with me this week and last. I have been short tempered and emotional with him. I know he misses you just as much as me but sometimes, I take it out on him even though I don’t mean too. I am tired of being sad but the sadness just seems to be winning this time of year. I won’t give in but I honestly feel as if I am truly being tested.

We will be coming to visit you tomorrow and bringing your Christmas gifts. I hope you like the few presents that will be under your tree. I so wish I could see you open them instead of having to leave them in the snow untouched and to never be played with. All the same, I couldn’t not get you something to enjoy this Christmas it just wouldn’t feel right.

I know you are up in heaven with grandma and having a wonderful time. You are whole and you are healthy, but I still miss you all the same. So, many want for your daddy and me to be “all better” but that is still just going to take more time. Each “first” holiday or special date for us is so difficult to endure. We imagined what it “would” have been like with you here and it is hard to not let those visions fill our heads and consume our thoughts.

I am sending you both a huge hug and kiss. One for grandma, Lorraine, too. We love you both, so very much! Merry Christmas.

We love you,
Mommy, Daddy and Mackenzie
xoxoxo