This morning, I feel like I have completely lost it. I am sitting here with Mackenzie watching her favorite show, My Friends Tigger and Pooh, while she eats cereal for the second time. She loves when the show begins because she gets to sing the song at the begining and while I sing it with her, I just start crying. I don't know maybe because I haven't cried really very hard this week and I had this build up of emotion but I feel crazy! I guess I just started thinking that I won't get to sit here with the boys and sing this silly song with them while, they shovel handfuls of Cherrios in their mouth.
Maybe, because last night I sat and looked at pictures of Declan and Lucas for about an hour so the the images and memories are extremely vivid today. It is becoming easier to look at the pictures and I am so grateful for that. Somedays, I feel like I could look at the pictures all day long so that it will help me remember what they really looked like and felt like? I hate having only 2 days worth of memories, it just isn't enough. I hate that I didn't spend more time with them in the NICU, I shouldn't have slept, I should have stayed with them and because of that I have even less memories.
It is just hard today as I watch Mackenzie playing with her toys. She is so beautiful and I just wish she had the boys to interact with and love. I wish we all had the boys here with us. So today, I will go to the cemetary to sit with the boys and talk about what has been going on in our lives for the last few weeks. I will sit there as if I were at the park having a good day with my sons but, instead I am at the cemetary and feeling just sad, angry and heartbroken. Today, I will cry at least one more time...
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