I will probably end up painting over it and starting again, but here is the first draft...
I love the picture of Declan's feet.
I sit here night after night trying to remember what the boys felt like. I hold on to their hospital blankets and bring them to my noise to smell them, but all I smell is that horrible hospital smell. I want to smell them...to smell a baby, to smell life but all I smell is death. I look through their photos and try to examine them ever so closely so that I can see all the little details that I missed while they were alive. The lines of their feet, the folds of their ears, the details of their hands and the smiles on their faces. How I wish i could do it all over, to have another day, another hour, another minute... So, I paint or draw to the point of where I almost feel manic. I just have to do it at that instances and it has to be finished immediately so that I can purge myself of the anger and sadness.
It has been 6 months since I laid in my hospital room, numb from the death of not one but both of my sons. I laid there and said nothing.... It has been 6 months and once again, what more is there really for me to say... nothing.
3 comments:
It's absolutely beautiful! I want one!! Seriously, I think its absolutely gorgeous....
Hurting with you.
Melissa, I love the easy flow of your lettering, and when I first saw it, it made me think it was the wood engraved frames, but I love the painted background so much better...you made a beautiful piece...it's great!!
When you said you would probably paint over it, it struck me that isn't that how your days are? You wishing you could "paint over them". You get up and like a fresh canvas you start the day, wanting so much to create a beautiful day (painting) for your family...then you remember Declan and Lucas and sadly black paint seems to overtake the canvas (day)....it's so hard to pick any other colors, black seems to scream out at you...so you go to bed disappointed that another canvas (day) has not turned out the way you wished it would..."you'll start again tomorrow and paint over it and try again"
Melissa, I would encourage you to try to use your PAIN-t to create for now...rather then having an idea that you feel driven to complete, maybe for now PAIN-t a large canvas the way you feel, let the colors and the pictures speak for you....don't worry about perfection, just add from day to day to your PAIN-ted canvas, things that say how you feel...you might add bears on balloons,(or a real deflated balloon) to represent the boys room, just whatever comes to your mind...paint Declan's feet, words, items, photos, etc...take your time, collage it if something 3D finds a place there...a tag with their names on it, a copy of their birth certificates, a custom created birth announcement and modge podge it on, write little notes to them and modpod them on, whatever your day "feels" like, "say" it on your canvas through the creative thought God will give to you, and if He doesn't prompt you, then take a break from it...you can leave it alone for days, or come back to it everyday, with something else to add, if you want to paint or glue over something, then do that...
...it's your PAIN-ted story...
maybe you will find release from a little of your PAIN in your artwork...I can't begin to know what these days of overwhelming hurt and grief are like for you and Devon....it's unimaginable for me...but be patient with yourself...take care of MacKenzie's mommy and Kevin's wife...they need you...
...perfection in art is a machine driven reproduction...originals are truly priceless...and unique...
...your life and Devon's life are originals, unlike any others, and uniquely beautiful, you both have a rare beauty that other young women do not possess, and can not buy...your sensitivity, wisdom, kindness, and care for the really important things of life will make your life PAINtings priceless...you just can't see that yet, because the PAINting is not done...
Know that I utter your name along with Devon's as God brings you both to mind...and I pray...I don't know why God has brought this to the two of you, wish you could know why, but even then it wouldn't make it any easier...
Have a blessed day...love your little MacKenzie and Kevin...hold on to the moments they bring to your life, smile often at them, they need to know you are going to get through this, (even when it feels like you won't) because if you are alright, they know they will be ok too...wishing I could give you a hug and cry with you...I'm sorry for your losses...
Melissa,
Thank you for comforting words as we remembered Chloe on the 3rd anniversary of her delivery. It helps to connec with women who understand the pain, emotions and the journey we are on. Thank you for commenting on my post. It was an encouragement.
Your artwork is gorgeous!! I'm not an artist, but I think I can understand your desire for your creation to convey all that Declan and Lucas meant to you.
You are in my prayers and thoughts today. I pray that today will be a good day with lots of smiles.
Blessings,
Kirsten
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