Parenting?

I realized that there is another reason that I am dreading the next few months and that has to do with not being able to parent the boys. The only parenting that I am allowed to do for my sons is to make sure that there grave site is clean and beautiful. I make sure that I pull any weeds, clear away any grass clips, put out new flowers, post new letters, place out new toys and take pictures of how nice the site looks. With winter and snow coming, I won't be able to do all these things nor will I be able to visit as often. Even though they are not here, I can't seem to stop being a parent to them. When I see things at the store, I think the boys would have had fun with that toy or that would have looked cute on the boys. Sometimes, I buy them things and take it to the cemetery for them to have, even though I know it won't be physically used. I am sure people think what a waste of money and even probably think it is morbid but I just can't not be a parent to them and this is all I have in terms of parenting. It is the same when it comes to traditions in our family. The boys had a pumpkin this year, decorated for them. They will have a Christmas stocking and presents will be placed at their grave site. I hate that my "parenting" exists only as there grave site care taker... I guess it is true, once you are a parent, you are always a parent. You want to care for and love them in anyway you can. You want to show them in anyway and everyway that is possible. That desire and yearning to parent doesn't go away when they die...I think in someways it becomes stronger or maybe it is just away I am using to try to hold on to them anyway I can?