Alone

I sit here on Christmas Day all alone with my thoughts and my tears. I didn't go to church today, I just didn't have the desire to sit and listen while watching all the happy families around me. I mainly wanted to avoid a place where there would be lots of new little babies all dressed up for the holiday. I just wanted sometime to myself so, that I could get it together before Mackenzie gets back and we have to do all the festive stuff at our aunt's house. I sit here struggling with how to get through the rest of this week, the days to come are going to be very trying on me. My chest feels like it is being crushed and yet, I know that I will need to find some joy in today for both myself, my husband and my daughter. I will find laughter as I watch her open her gifts and enjoy the company of family but for now, I need to let the tears come. For now, I need to feel the pain of not having you both here so that later I can allow myself to find some laughter amongst the tears. This is not the Christmas I had envision but it is what has been given to me and I don't have a choice but to endure through the pain and wrap my arms around the joy that will also be present.

To all of you mother's and father's on this journey of grief with us, I wish you peace and hope for the New Year. To my blog family and my real family, thank you for all your support, concern and love this year, I hope that this next year will be a better one. Maybe, we will be blessed with the gift of another child in 2009 that we can raise and love...atleast, that is what I hope and pray for in 2009.

Merry Christmas to all...
Melissa