No Congratulations...

Declan fighting...

Declan's tiny feet.

Holding Lucas

Lucas wearing Kevin's wedding band.

This has been weighing on my mind lately and I just don't know why...well, I do know why and I guess it just hurts too much to really admit it. I realized that when I gave birth to Declan and Lucas, nobody told me Congratulations. I know that it sounds so silly to be dwelling on such a simple word or gesture but even the nurses or the doctors didn't say anything. They didn't say Happy Birthday to the boys or anything happy or positive. I know that it was an intense emergency situation and they were trying to stabalize the boys and myself but it just seems so sad when I think about it. Here, I brought two beautiful little boys alive in to this world and yet, I feel like everyone has forgotten that this ever happened. I feel like everyone knew that it was going to be heartbreaking and tragic from the minute they were born so, I didn't deserve to be congratulated because in essence I had failed in this pregnancy. I had failed my sons in the most horrible way possible, they died because of my pathetic body.

After the boys had died, everyone told me how sorry they were for our loss and it was so final, like it never happened...like I was never pregnant. So many people, just don't see my loss as really the death of my two children, they see it more as having a miscarriage. It just isn't the same, I gave birth to them, they were alive outside of me for 2 days, and I held them as they took their final breathes. Kevin and I had to make the decision that no parent should ever have to make but we had to decide to take them off of all of their life supporting machines. They were my children, I held them, I loved them, I touched them, I talked to them, I kissed them, I cried over them, I watched them die and my heartbroke with each of their deaths. Yet, never once was I congratulated for giving birth and bringing such beautiful life in to this world. There was never a birth annoucement or even a death annoucement...it was like it never happened.

I have friends and family whom have never asked me about the boys. I know that it is the "elephant" in the room but it just hurts to know that people don't care enough about us to put themselves in an uncomfortable place and ask...the worst we could say is that we don't want to talk about it. But, that would never happen because they are our sons and it makes us so proud to talk about them even on the most difficult of days.

I have to be honest, if someone would have congratulated me after one or both of the boys had died, I probably would have not known how to respond. I guess, I just wish that I would have heard it right after they were born, just for the simple fact that they were alive and had a fighting chance. Who knows maybe someone did and I just don't remember it...I guess I am just dwelling and wishing that things would have been so different. Tonight, I am just sad and heart broken and this is the issue that I have for some reason focused on.

People say that your heart can't actually break but those people have never had their children die before them. I can actually remember my heart breaking over the death of both my sons. It is a physical pain like no other that actually takes your breath away. I remember vividly with Lucas, watching him breath on his own and then it stopping. I remember the nurse coming over and checking to see if his heart had stopped and it was at that point when his heart stopped, that the final piece of my heart broke in two. After the physical pain subsides, the numbness takes over and you go through your days in a fog. Eventually, the numbness wears off but the pain in my chest like the one tonight comes and goes without a moments notice. It catches you by surprise and hits you like a ton of bricks. These moments are the worst because you are not expecting them and you are caught completely off guard. My only reaction is to sob beyond control and pray that the numbness takes over again.