FEAR

Mackenzie has been sick all week with a fever and I can honestly say, that I have been scared. Ever since the boys died, I have this intense fear of losing her. I check on her constantly at night to make sure she is still breathing...to the point where I actually will shake her a little bit to wake her up. Last night, her temperature was about 102.5 and I was so worried. I never use to be this way...I mean I would worry but not feel panicked. I am so panicked that my chest is heavy, my heart is racing and I feel like I can't get a deep breath. I was so worried last night that I actually crawled in bed with her and watched her sleep until I finally fell asleep myself. I don't know how to get over being so irrational...I just can't bare the thought of losing her, it would kill me.

Today at the doctor's they had to clean her ears with this horrible water machine and I about lost it. Just thinking about watching her having this water pushed into her ears and coming out her nose and mouth makes my chest hurt so bad. I was near the point of tears in the office because I just didn't want her to be so upset and so afraid. I wanted to protect her and so I finally told the nurse that, that was enough even though they weren't finished. It was horrible and I hate that I let them do that to her. I called Kevin and was shaking because of all that happened and they couldn't even tell me if she has an ear infection or not. I just want to know why she has this fever...I am beginning to think these crazy thoughts about her being horrible sick and not being able to make her better. Not being able to save her, just like we couldn't save the boys. I hate this fear that is consuming me...I hate knowing that death can strike your family and their is nothing that I can do to stop it. I hate that this perfect little fairytale doesn't exist and I know what it is like to be caught in the nightmare.