Moving Forward...

I decided it was time get rid of our nursery. So, I painted over the nursery room paintings and am changing that room in to a big girl room for Mackenzie. It was really hard to paint over all of the bears that I had created but it was time to face the fact that we don't have any babies in our house. It was time for me to realize that I can't let Mackenzie live in the shadow of the boys. I want so badly to have a baby in the house but Mackenzie is not that baby, she is our beautiful little girl who is growing up so quickly. It is time for me to let go of the nursery...as hard as it is the reality of having our two beautiful baby boys in our home is over.

Saying that is so hard, so sad and so frustrating. I want so badly to be a mother to 3 living children, it breaks my heart to not have the opprotunity to rock them in the room that would have been theirs. I would give my life to switch places with them and let them be here with all of those that love them. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I just would have closed my eyes during my c-section and let go? I wanted to close my eyes but Kevin kept talking to me and bringing me back to the reality of this world. I wonder if I would have just let go would it have been an even trade, would they be here being loved by their daddy and Mackenzie? But, sadly I am here and they are not... So, all I can do is paint something new and try to be a good mom to Mackenzie which is hard because I often feel like a failure to her and the boys. At least, I can give her a room that makes her smile.

I remember not wanting to come home. Wanting to go anywhere but home because my home was suppose to be busy and noisy with three children but I knew that it was going to silent. Before I came home my mom and mother-in-law put all the baby stuff away for me. I imagine that was pretty deafing and difficult for the both of them. I remember being frantic about wanting everything in the house put back to the exact way it was before we started preparing for having 2 more children in the house. I kept thinking if everything is back to the way it originally was then I can pretend this didn't happen. I will then be able to feel like "normal" and I won't have to be reminded of the boys and that they aren't here. Then there were all the flowers and the plants...god, I hated those stupid plants and flowers. It was a reminder of something that is alive and growing while my boys are not. Yet, I still water them and actually get upset if I think one of the plants is not doing well.

Over the months, I kept walking in to the nursery only to be reminded that it really isn't a nursery anymore. We don't have any babies in our home so we don't need a nursery. So, I got out the paint and attempted to erase the pain away. I have come to the conclusion, the paintings are gone but the pain is going to be here forever.