Another Letter...

July 31, 2008

Dear Declan and Lucas,

I can’t believe that it has been 6 months since you were here with us. At times it feels like this has been the longest 6 months of my life. I feel like I have aged a lifetime in only 6 short months. Yet, there are times when I can’t believe that it has been 6 months because it feels like only yesterday when I was in the operating room, waiting to see you both.

I wanted to tell you that I think you both were so beautiful. You had these innocent little faces and tiny round noses. Your fingers curled so lightly around our fingers and your toes, well they were so adorable. You had these tiny little feet and long toes. You were so small yet, when I look at your pictures it doesn’t seem like you were all that little. I know that in reality you were extremely small but in the pictures you look so perfect, so whole that it is sort of deceiving just how tiny you were. I remember looking at you in your diapers and smiling at how big they were on you. I kept thinking how ridiculous they looked on the both of you but that in time you would grow out of them and move on too much bigger sizes.

Your papa had a dream about the both of you and he told me that you told him that you thought I was great mommy and that you were with me always. I know that you are with me in my heart always I just wish I had you physically here with me too. I wish I could pick you up to hug and kiss. I hope that you watch over our family and see that we miss you so much. I pray that watch Mackenzie and keep her safe from harm. I wish you could help me mend daddy’s broken heart. It is so hard for me to see him cry over the both of you. I wish I knew how to take his pain away and how to make the tears stop but I don’t know what to do or say.

Please know that you have touched and changed our lives more than we ever could think was possible. You have given the meaning of life a greater purpose. You make me want to be a better human being to really make a change no matter how small. I wish I knew if I was making a difference but that is probably not the point? Not knowing that you are making a difference, but doing it anyway.

I love you both and will continue to write you both. All the hugs and kisses I could possibly give you are being sent your way.

Love,
Mommy