The Road Less Traveled

Yesterday, I talked about what path to take on my journey and today, I choose that path. I choose to try to close a chapter in my grief by going to see my twin nieces. To say that this was an easy task would be a lie. It was really hard to sit in my car for an hour, walk up to the door and push the doorbell but, it had to be done...it was time. The anticipation of this event was probably harder than the actual visit itself which was very difficult. As human beings, we envision the worse possible scenario but in reality, it was rather anticlimactic or at least that is how my husband would describe it.



So today, I sat in the car thinking about what it would be like to hold these little girls and tried to imagine what I would feel or say. When I got to the house, I took a deep breath and walk to the door which my sister-in-law opened with a hug and a smile. On the couch sat two beautiful chubby little girls and I was introduced to first Maddy, then Katie. I sat down and picked up Maddy. It was hard to inhale that wonderful baby smell and look in to her eyes. I looked in to both of their eyes and thought I wish I would have gotten to see the boys open their eyes. To really look in to their hearts and their souls. As I looked in to each set of eyes, I saw innocence's and love which is what ever one hopes to see when they look in to the eyes of a child. We talked about the girls schedule, how they have grown, and how they have changed, yet we never really talked about the boys. I guess it is just too hard to talk about the shattered past when you have the future sitting in your lap. It is hard because you don't want to make anyone uncomfortable if they aren't ready to ask about the boys which usually means they aren't ready to hear me talk about them. I just wanted to talk about how beautiful they were, what it was like to hold and love them but instead, I remained silent. Instead, I tried to take in the girl's sounds, their smells and their movements all while trying to focus on who they were not whom I wished they were. I thank God that they were girls because I do think that helped to spare me a little bit of heartache.



At one point, my sister-in-law asked me how the visit was going and if I was glad that I came. As I choked back the tears and looked in to Maddy's face, I knew that I was glad that I had made the trip. My intention was to not only do this for myself but to help re-unite a somewhat split family. I felt like it was my fault for the split in our families and so I had to be the one to start repairing the hole. Is this hole closed? No...but I think it is smaller. Will it ever be closed? I don't know the answer to that question. I do know that I will love these little girls with all my heart not only because of who they are as individuals but because of whom they will always remind me of...Declan and Lucas.