Another Child?

Having another child has been weighing on my mind so much lately, I think because I don't know if it is the right thing to do or not? Should we or shouldn't we is what goes through my head on a daily basis. Do we risk losing another child? Do we risk the possibility of having a child with severe disabilities? Do we risk more heartbreak? I just don't know what to do? I guess I should re-phrase that as I don't know what is the RIGHT thing to do? I have always wanted to have multiple children but I am so afraid. I thought being pregnant is suppose to be an exciting, happy time? I long to have that in a pregnancy, just once. To enjoy the aches and the pains of a "normal" pregnancy without the intense fear of something horrible going wrong. I am so saddened at the FACT that I have been pregnant 5 times and dumbfounded by the fact that I only have one child here on earth with me. Yet, I am so grateful for having Mackenzie to love and watch grow so maybe I should learn to be content with her alone? However, my heart feels uncertain and our home feels too quiet and incomplete, but will those feelings outweigh and over take my fears?

I want to pray to God on this question but then I think why? What is the point? I prayed so hard and had so many people praying for us when I was in the hospital but it didn't make a difference. He still took them because he has his own plan. If he has his plan and is going to carry out that plan regardless of what I want, then praying won't make a difference? Right? I guess this is one way that I can look at what happened to us.

However, on the other hand I can think about all the prayers that I said and our family/friends said and admit that praying did work. I can hope that it was because of all those prayers that I was allowed to remain pregnant for 3 more weeks, which granted myself and my husband the opportunity to meet our sons alive. To hear them cry. To hold them. To touch them. To admit, that prayer allowed us to be with them and know they were safe and not in any pain when they died.

Which do I hold on too? The one where God has his own plan and no amount of praying will change that or the one that proves that prayer can change the outcome in the events of our life, even the horrible ones? Being stuck in the middle and leaning one way one day and the other the next day is where I am at right now. This is why I am so unsure of us having more children? How do I just take that leap of faith? Especially, when I know how devastating it can be when you are fighting to believe that everything is going to turn out okay and it doesn't. I want to know, HOW? If I knew how, if someone could explain it to me so I could understand it. I would do it but I need to know how? How to let go of it all...the fear, the questions, the uncertainty, the unknown? I will do it but I need to know how to take that leap of unwaivering faith.