Dreams

I am searching for Mackenzie, Declan and Lucas. I am showing pictures of the three of them to people. Mackenzie looks the same as she does now but the boys are older than when they died. They are toddlers and they look so much like Mackenzie. Declan has the same hair that Mackenzie has now but it is a brown/red much like Kevin's and Lucas has shorter hair and it is Blonde with a tint of red to it. I can still see those pictures in my mind so vividly because they were not photographs, they were oil pastel drawings that I had done of the boys. I am running through the rain, frantically looking for the kids and I come to an old barn. Mackenzie is in the barn and I am so relieved she is okay. She is scared but she is okay. I hug her and kiss her and tell her she is fine. I tell her I won't let anything ever happen to her and then I ask her where the boys are but she doesn't know. I am then back at our house with her and I leave her at our home with someone so that I can go search for the boys some more. I am crying and frantic because I can't find them, I can't save them and I know they are gone. I wake myself up and I am so upset that I couldn't save them. Once again, I couldn't save them and in an instant they were gone. My chest is aching and I have to check on Mackenzie. She is sleeping soundly but now I am back in bed and shaking out of heart ache and fear. I wish that the last almost 8 months was a bad dream I could wake up from, I wish that I could have saved them.