Good-byes...

The hardest thing about losing someone you love is saying good-bye and it is not only the initial good-bye that is the hardest. It is the fact, that you have to say good-bye each and everyday for the rest of your life. I wake up in the morning and think of the boys, knowing that I said good-bye to them and that in this lifetime, I will never see them again. I see them all around me everywhere each and everyday and yet, they are not here. I get asked questions about them from curious students and am reminded that I have nothing new to tell them. I will never have new memories of the boys all I can do is hold on to the old. Yet, holding on to the old memories are so painful but it is all I have of them so, I hold on tight wanting to never let go.

It is interesting how kids grow brave over time and begin to ask questions. I have students whom never asked questions last year, now asking about the boys. Some days it is a blessing in disguise while other days I am caught off guard and attempt to answer quickly as to not get emotional. Middle school aged children are an interesting bunch, they often are quick to speak before thinking but when it comes to curiosity surrounding death, they can be exceptionally tactful. I think there are many adults out there who could take some lessons from this kids when it comes to addressing someone who is mourning the loss of a love one. Often so many adults, feel that I should be moving on with life as if this were a thing of the past, over and done with regardless of the fact that they were my children. A few of my students, whom don't think I can hear when they whisper, think the opposite, they can't believe that after 7 short months that I would be at work, talking, laughing and going on with life. Had it been them, they would never be able to go on and they would still be crying.

In a nutshell, this is my life and I find myself being resentful of the need or want for me to be all better. While at the same time, I am sad that I don't cry everyday and that I have the ability to laugh and go on without them. I feel so much guilt when I truly think about that last sentence...going on without them. I don't want to go on without them, but I don't have much choice in the matter and on most days the tears have stopped flowing. I remember thinking I just want to stop crying, I am so sick of crying and now there are days where I wish I could cry but the tears don't always come. Even though their are days when I don't shed a single tear, the fact remains the same....everyday, I say good-bye to them and everyday is still as difficult as the last without them.