Emotional

I don't know if it is the date or just one of those days but I have been an emotional roller coaster all day. Remembering that today is September 11th, and thinking about that day makes my hair stand up on end. It always brings tears to my eyes and yet, even more so this particular year. I am more in tune to other peoples grief and it makes my heart heavy to think about all of those loved ones still grieving and mourning the loss of their family and friends on that very day. When we had our moment of silences today, the hair on my arms rose, the tears in my eyes welled up and my chest closed so tightly around my heart I thought I might not breath. Grief is everywhere and I am not the only one to experience it. We all suffer and have experienced it in one form or another. Whether it is as parents, spouses, friends, siblings or even as a nation, we all know how precious life is. Yet, I miss the boys so much today. Today, it makes me physically sick and I tear up over a Disney movie. Today is just hard, I want them to be here to hold, to hug and to kiss. I want them to be almost 4 months old instead of almost 8 months dead. I want to be decorating their room instead of thinking how to decorating their grave site and waiting for their marker to be placed in to the ground. I want to go back 8 months and do it all over again...to still be pregnant, to still be naive, to still be happy. I wish we could go back 8 months or 7 years and take those days away but instead we live with their memories and try to make that be enough, even though it's not.

Ecclesiastes 1:13 states, "And I gave my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all things that are done under heaven: this sore travail hath God given to the sons of man to be exercised therewith." I am trying to understand God's plan for my family and myself. But, on days like today, it hard to make sense of it all?

For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.

Ecclesiastes 1:18