Another Month...

Tomorrow is 7 months since the boys were born...I can't believe another month has passed. When do you stop counting the month anniversaries or are you forever waiting for that specific date each month? Do you stop after the one year mark or is it something that eventually just subsides as time passes? What is God's plan for me? For Kevin? For us? Does he want us to remember these days every month with such a vivid pain just so that we will be reminded of how fragile and precious life is? Is his plan for us to have more children? Or was this his way of telling us to only put all of our love and life in to our most cherished gift of life, Mackenzie? Is he trying to tell me that I would be too overwhelmed or not be able to manage 3 young children? Is he preparing me and Kevin for something greater? What is that he wants or expects or needs of me? Have I suffered enough or do I have more to endure at his hand? Am I just suppose to except what has happened and what will happen in the future without question? Or am I allowed to question with the understanding that some day when I meet my maker, he will allow me to understand his reasoning behind our loss? If I question does that mean that I won't be allowed in to the gates of heaven for not putting 100% of my faith behind his decision? So, many question...

Being Proud

I am feeling really proud of myself and of Kevin. It has been almost 7 months since the boys died and I feel like together we have really weathered this awful storm. Is the storm over...not by any means but I feel like we have gotten through the worst part of it and we did it together. There were times when we weren't always on the same page but we always found our way back to each other and I am proud of us for not losing each other. Are we going to have our moments where we drift apart? Probably, but I know they will be brief and that we will always find our way back to each other. I know that Kevin's love for me and mine for him will endure this storm.

I am proud of how far I have come in my grief. I look back to those first few weeks and I honestly didn't think I would ever really "live" again. I thought I would just be stuck in bed crying for the rest of my life but I forced myself to little by little see all the good that I truly have in my life and I do have so very much to be thankful for. Does that mean that I am "all better"? NO. However, I have made up my mind to really try to make peace with not having the boys here alive with us. It will not be an over night "understanding" but it is something that I am consciously attempting to do. I also know that while I am learning and attempting to embrace this new life instead of fighting it that I will have days were I take steps backwards. I will have days where I might start crying but I know that the tears will stop and I will find happiness in Mackenzie and Kevin. I have been told by other grieving mothers that it just takes time and that the first couple of years are the most difficult. Yes, the first couple of YEARS not just the first couple of months, which makes me feel better about where I am on my own journey. They also told me that I may start to feel "pretty good" for a few days or even a few weeks and then out of know where something or anything can just trigger an immense sadness, fear or anger about their death all over again. So, I write this to remind myself that I am doing okay and to not put too much pressure on myself to be "all better". That it is okay if I take a step backwards because I know eventually I will also take 2 steps forward. That I can feel proud of myself for being happy and not disappointed in myself for letting the tears flow. That I can struggle with my faith without feeling guilty because I know that eventually I will have to make peace with my God. I can be proud of myself for living through this awful heartbreaking loss of Declan and Lucas without also losing myself, Kevin and Mackenzie.

Remembering

I hate not being able to sleep. I hate this weight that I feel on my shoulders and my chest. I hate the fact that when I think of the boys, I don't always cry any more. I hate that I know that time and life has moved on without them. I hate that I can go out in public and strangers see myself, Kevin and Mackenzie as this happy family of three. We are not a family of three, we are a family of five with two of our children missing. I want for everyone to know that I have three children not just one but three. I don't want them to assume that we have the perfect life because we don't, we have been rocked to the core of our souls. I want for them to understand how painful it is to try to live without the both of them. To think about all of the things that we are missing out on by them being gone. I hate that I am learning to live without them and that is all that I can do for them. I can be the best mom and wife for Mackenzie and Kevin because that is what they deserve and that is what the boys would want. I hate that after almost seven month without them, that I am starting to live a "new" and "happy" life. I feel guilty because I don't want them to ever believe that I could forget them or that I am "over them" just because I don't cry all time or because I smile more. As time move on, I am still grieving, I am still sad, I am still heartbroken but I also am happy when I look in to the eyes of Mackenzie and Kevin. It has been almost seven months and it is hard to believe how far I have come in my grief. There are still days when I am overcome with sadness, like tonight, but there are more days when I am starting to see the happiness around me.

I am tired of trying to please everybody. I am tired of worrying about hurting other people's feelings or saying the wrong thing or not doing the right thing when it comes to the way that myself and Kevin are dealing with the death of our sons. It has not even been seven months yet and I am tired of feeling like people are mad at me or that I am causing drama or that I am being oversensitive for not being ready to do things or for needing the extra encouragement to enjoy life. I am tired of feeling like I am the only one grieving when I know that it is tearing Kevin up on the inside. I hate that all eyes are on me because I am the woman, when I know all that Kevin is going through. This happened to the both of us and he needs to be allowed to be sad, angry and frustrated. But, even more importantly, he needs to be allowed to talk about them with someone besides me. It hurts me to know that he very rarely gets that chance because he is rarely asked about them.

I am tired of people trying to fix me. No one but another parent whom has lost a child can even begin to understand what we have lost. I lost not one but two children and I think I am entitled to grieve for as long as it takes me. They may not have been on this earth for a very long period of time but the impact that they have left on me is beyond words none the less. So I am entitled to cry, when I think about the fact that I did not get to give them a kiss tonight and put them to bed. I am entitled to be sad, when I think about all that Kevin, Mackenzie and I are missing out on without the both of them here. I am entitled to be a bit envious of other families of five, when it is all that I have wished and prayed for. I am entitled to be irritated, when I hear people complain about their infants not sleeping. I am entitled to mourn them for however long it takes me without the pressure of feeling like I have passed the allotted amount of grieving time.

I will however, never tire of talking about Declan and Lucas or loving them.



Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~

Vacation

It is hard to believe that our vacation is over...how quickly time flies by. This was a tough vacation for me...I wasn't sure that I really wanted to go. It felt bittersweet. It was something that I think Kevin and I really needed for us as a couple. At the same time, it was tainted in the fact that we wouldn't have taken this trip if the boys were here with us. It is hard for me to not think that way. Things would be so very different if the boys were here and I know that in my mind I have to stop thinking that way but making my heart do that is entirely different story.

The trip was nice and we had fun as hard as that is to believe. We were able to laugh and talk almost like before everything had happened. We actually talked about how far we have progressed in these last few months. I really didn't think that I would be where I am today looking back at the first few days after the boys died. I still have lots of questions and I still have my moments of tears and anger but I also am starting to smile and laugh more. I am starting to allow myself to remember them and love them without letting it consume me like it was doing before. This is not easy by any means but I am trying and that is all I can do.

I did find myself becoming anxious on the ride home and even this first day home. Being home is always tough because it is a constant reminder of what we lost and the pain we feel. Being away, we didn't forget but we allowed ourselves to be so busy that it wasn't as constant a thought. I have felt myself on the verge of tears these last few days but they have yet to come...instead I have a headache which I know is my bodies way of telling me to let go and cry. I guess I am just tired of crying and I am tired of the heavy feeling in my chest but the reality is you can't fight grief. The grief at some point will win and I will cry again...but for today, I fight back the tears.

A beautiful gift

Today, I received the most beautiful and heartfelt gift for the boys. Easily, my best friend in the whole world, Heather, made the boys this beautiful piece of artwork for their grave site. She bought some small letters, painted, and then decorated them so that they would spell our last name plus the word angels. It is so beautiful and such an amazing gift that she would think of the boys in this way. I also am so glad that she wanted to visit their grave site with me. It just meant so much that she wanted to share in what they meant to myself and Kevin. She wants to not only acknowledge them but remember them with us which means more than I can put into words. She truly is a special person and I treasure her friendship so very very much. She has been such a strong support to me through all of this and I can not even begin to know how to repay her.

Heather,

You are such an amazing person and friend. Your gift today was amazing and visiting the boys with me meant the world. Lunch and chatting was just an extra bonus! I also love when you send me cards out of the blue to cheer me up and make me laugh. I have kept every single one. I love you!

Love,
Melissa

Song Lyrics...

Since the boys died, I have found great comfort in music. On those days and nights, when all I need is a good cry, I find music helps. I have come to rely on these songs, almost like I would an old friend. Someone to listen to me cry as I sing through the tears and someone to respond back to me through the lyrics that go straight through right to my heart. I know that these songs won't judge me for crying once again or won't tire of me talking to them about the boys. They won't tell me it is time to move on but instead they touch me on such a personal level. Sometimes, I feel as if they were written for me and me alone. The following song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan is one that when I sing it the tears often flow deeply. I literally can picture myself questioning or feeling or doing all that she sings about....

ANGEL

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

How many times have I begged for a second chance to do it over. Praying that I can hold on to the memories that seem to be seeping away. To be empty of the pain and sadness that I brought to our family. Wondering how I could ever be at peace with what happened? This endless fear of losing another child. Feeling like I live in my own internal madness. Picturing all the times that I have literally been brought to my knees. Knowing that every time, I go to the cemetery, I am brought to my knees once again.

Yes, this song speaks to me because this is me...this is the internal struggle that I live everyday. I can put on a smile, I can laugh, I can make small talk, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss them every second of every single day. That doesn't mean that I am done grieving. It just means that I am getting good at controlling my grief and hiding my sadness.

Another Letter...

July 31, 2008

Dear Declan and Lucas,

I can’t believe that it has been 6 months since you were here with us. At times it feels like this has been the longest 6 months of my life. I feel like I have aged a lifetime in only 6 short months. Yet, there are times when I can’t believe that it has been 6 months because it feels like only yesterday when I was in the operating room, waiting to see you both.

I wanted to tell you that I think you both were so beautiful. You had these innocent little faces and tiny round noses. Your fingers curled so lightly around our fingers and your toes, well they were so adorable. You had these tiny little feet and long toes. You were so small yet, when I look at your pictures it doesn’t seem like you were all that little. I know that in reality you were extremely small but in the pictures you look so perfect, so whole that it is sort of deceiving just how tiny you were. I remember looking at you in your diapers and smiling at how big they were on you. I kept thinking how ridiculous they looked on the both of you but that in time you would grow out of them and move on too much bigger sizes.

Your papa had a dream about the both of you and he told me that you told him that you thought I was great mommy and that you were with me always. I know that you are with me in my heart always I just wish I had you physically here with me too. I wish I could pick you up to hug and kiss. I hope that you watch over our family and see that we miss you so much. I pray that watch Mackenzie and keep her safe from harm. I wish you could help me mend daddy’s broken heart. It is so hard for me to see him cry over the both of you. I wish I knew how to take his pain away and how to make the tears stop but I don’t know what to do or say.

Please know that you have touched and changed our lives more than we ever could think was possible. You have given the meaning of life a greater purpose. You make me want to be a better human being to really make a change no matter how small. I wish I knew if I was making a difference but that is probably not the point? Not knowing that you are making a difference, but doing it anyway.

I love you both and will continue to write you both. All the hugs and kisses I could possibly give you are being sent your way.

Love,
Mommy