Remembering

I hate not being able to sleep. I hate this weight that I feel on my shoulders and my chest. I hate the fact that when I think of the boys, I don't always cry any more. I hate that I know that time and life has moved on without them. I hate that I can go out in public and strangers see myself, Kevin and Mackenzie as this happy family of three. We are not a family of three, we are a family of five with two of our children missing. I want for everyone to know that I have three children not just one but three. I don't want them to assume that we have the perfect life because we don't, we have been rocked to the core of our souls. I want for them to understand how painful it is to try to live without the both of them. To think about all of the things that we are missing out on by them being gone. I hate that I am learning to live without them and that is all that I can do for them. I can be the best mom and wife for Mackenzie and Kevin because that is what they deserve and that is what the boys would want. I hate that after almost seven month without them, that I am starting to live a "new" and "happy" life. I feel guilty because I don't want them to ever believe that I could forget them or that I am "over them" just because I don't cry all time or because I smile more. As time move on, I am still grieving, I am still sad, I am still heartbroken but I also am happy when I look in to the eyes of Mackenzie and Kevin. It has been almost seven months and it is hard to believe how far I have come in my grief. There are still days when I am overcome with sadness, like tonight, but there are more days when I am starting to see the happiness around me.

I am tired of trying to please everybody. I am tired of worrying about hurting other people's feelings or saying the wrong thing or not doing the right thing when it comes to the way that myself and Kevin are dealing with the death of our sons. It has not even been seven months yet and I am tired of feeling like people are mad at me or that I am causing drama or that I am being oversensitive for not being ready to do things or for needing the extra encouragement to enjoy life. I am tired of feeling like I am the only one grieving when I know that it is tearing Kevin up on the inside. I hate that all eyes are on me because I am the woman, when I know all that Kevin is going through. This happened to the both of us and he needs to be allowed to be sad, angry and frustrated. But, even more importantly, he needs to be allowed to talk about them with someone besides me. It hurts me to know that he very rarely gets that chance because he is rarely asked about them.

I am tired of people trying to fix me. No one but another parent whom has lost a child can even begin to understand what we have lost. I lost not one but two children and I think I am entitled to grieve for as long as it takes me. They may not have been on this earth for a very long period of time but the impact that they have left on me is beyond words none the less. So I am entitled to cry, when I think about the fact that I did not get to give them a kiss tonight and put them to bed. I am entitled to be sad, when I think about all that Kevin, Mackenzie and I are missing out on without the both of them here. I am entitled to be a bit envious of other families of five, when it is all that I have wished and prayed for. I am entitled to be irritated, when I hear people complain about their infants not sleeping. I am entitled to mourn them for however long it takes me without the pressure of feeling like I have passed the allotted amount of grieving time.

I will however, never tire of talking about Declan and Lucas or loving them.



Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~