Song Lyrics...

Since the boys died, I have found great comfort in music. On those days and nights, when all I need is a good cry, I find music helps. I have come to rely on these songs, almost like I would an old friend. Someone to listen to me cry as I sing through the tears and someone to respond back to me through the lyrics that go straight through right to my heart. I know that these songs won't judge me for crying once again or won't tire of me talking to them about the boys. They won't tell me it is time to move on but instead they touch me on such a personal level. Sometimes, I feel as if they were written for me and me alone. The following song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan is one that when I sing it the tears often flow deeply. I literally can picture myself questioning or feeling or doing all that she sings about....

ANGEL

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

How many times have I begged for a second chance to do it over. Praying that I can hold on to the memories that seem to be seeping away. To be empty of the pain and sadness that I brought to our family. Wondering how I could ever be at peace with what happened? This endless fear of losing another child. Feeling like I live in my own internal madness. Picturing all the times that I have literally been brought to my knees. Knowing that every time, I go to the cemetery, I am brought to my knees once again.

Yes, this song speaks to me because this is me...this is the internal struggle that I live everyday. I can put on a smile, I can laugh, I can make small talk, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss them every second of every single day. That doesn't mean that I am done grieving. It just means that I am getting good at controlling my grief and hiding my sadness.