Another Month...

Tomorrow is 7 months since the boys were born...I can't believe another month has passed. When do you stop counting the month anniversaries or are you forever waiting for that specific date each month? Do you stop after the one year mark or is it something that eventually just subsides as time passes? What is God's plan for me? For Kevin? For us? Does he want us to remember these days every month with such a vivid pain just so that we will be reminded of how fragile and precious life is? Is his plan for us to have more children? Or was this his way of telling us to only put all of our love and life in to our most cherished gift of life, Mackenzie? Is he trying to tell me that I would be too overwhelmed or not be able to manage 3 young children? Is he preparing me and Kevin for something greater? What is that he wants or expects or needs of me? Have I suffered enough or do I have more to endure at his hand? Am I just suppose to except what has happened and what will happen in the future without question? Or am I allowed to question with the understanding that some day when I meet my maker, he will allow me to understand his reasoning behind our loss? If I question does that mean that I won't be allowed in to the gates of heaven for not putting 100% of my faith behind his decision? So, many question...