Vacation

It is hard to believe that our vacation is over...how quickly time flies by. This was a tough vacation for me...I wasn't sure that I really wanted to go. It felt bittersweet. It was something that I think Kevin and I really needed for us as a couple. At the same time, it was tainted in the fact that we wouldn't have taken this trip if the boys were here with us. It is hard for me to not think that way. Things would be so very different if the boys were here and I know that in my mind I have to stop thinking that way but making my heart do that is entirely different story.

The trip was nice and we had fun as hard as that is to believe. We were able to laugh and talk almost like before everything had happened. We actually talked about how far we have progressed in these last few months. I really didn't think that I would be where I am today looking back at the first few days after the boys died. I still have lots of questions and I still have my moments of tears and anger but I also am starting to smile and laugh more. I am starting to allow myself to remember them and love them without letting it consume me like it was doing before. This is not easy by any means but I am trying and that is all I can do.

I did find myself becoming anxious on the ride home and even this first day home. Being home is always tough because it is a constant reminder of what we lost and the pain we feel. Being away, we didn't forget but we allowed ourselves to be so busy that it wasn't as constant a thought. I have felt myself on the verge of tears these last few days but they have yet to come...instead I have a headache which I know is my bodies way of telling me to let go and cry. I guess I am just tired of crying and I am tired of the heavy feeling in my chest but the reality is you can't fight grief. The grief at some point will win and I will cry again...but for today, I fight back the tears.