Being Proud

I am feeling really proud of myself and of Kevin. It has been almost 7 months since the boys died and I feel like together we have really weathered this awful storm. Is the storm over...not by any means but I feel like we have gotten through the worst part of it and we did it together. There were times when we weren't always on the same page but we always found our way back to each other and I am proud of us for not losing each other. Are we going to have our moments where we drift apart? Probably, but I know they will be brief and that we will always find our way back to each other. I know that Kevin's love for me and mine for him will endure this storm.

I am proud of how far I have come in my grief. I look back to those first few weeks and I honestly didn't think I would ever really "live" again. I thought I would just be stuck in bed crying for the rest of my life but I forced myself to little by little see all the good that I truly have in my life and I do have so very much to be thankful for. Does that mean that I am "all better"? NO. However, I have made up my mind to really try to make peace with not having the boys here alive with us. It will not be an over night "understanding" but it is something that I am consciously attempting to do. I also know that while I am learning and attempting to embrace this new life instead of fighting it that I will have days were I take steps backwards. I will have days where I might start crying but I know that the tears will stop and I will find happiness in Mackenzie and Kevin. I have been told by other grieving mothers that it just takes time and that the first couple of years are the most difficult. Yes, the first couple of YEARS not just the first couple of months, which makes me feel better about where I am on my own journey. They also told me that I may start to feel "pretty good" for a few days or even a few weeks and then out of know where something or anything can just trigger an immense sadness, fear or anger about their death all over again. So, I write this to remind myself that I am doing okay and to not put too much pressure on myself to be "all better". That it is okay if I take a step backwards because I know eventually I will also take 2 steps forward. That I can feel proud of myself for being happy and not disappointed in myself for letting the tears flow. That I can struggle with my faith without feeling guilty because I know that eventually I will have to make peace with my God. I can be proud of myself for living through this awful heartbreaking loss of Declan and Lucas without also losing myself, Kevin and Mackenzie.