Yesterday, I was having a tough day to say the least. But, last night the door bell rang and it was UPS. They had a small package for me and it was from the March of Dimes. It was a plaque for Kevin and myself saying that our team had raised the most amount of money for the March of Dimes in the Kenosha area. I am so proud of us, all of us! It really helped me last night to process things and I know that it was sent yesterday from the boys to cheer me up. To show me that something good had been accomplished out of this tragedy. I also received a small handwritten thank you from the woman who runs the Wisconsin March of Dimes asking me to join the committee for the lower part of the state. She said, they need more help especially from people who have and can find so much support. So, I will think about it and decide if I want to contribute in more than just the walking part of this tribute to our sons. I think that by giving some time and effort to this cause it will be just another small way to honor the boys.
Today, I hope is going to be a better day. Thank you Declan and Lucas for sending me something that I was so desperately in need of last night. I love you both!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Broken, Beaten, Defeated
Broken, beaten and defeated pretty much sum up how I feel today. I have cried 4 times already today and I hope that I am done. Today, the boys should have been 5 months old...5 months, I really can't believe that it has been that long. It is so hard to put the we should have been doing this with our boys out of our minds and hearts. It is hard to change that way of thinking...
I went to the cemetery today and of course it rained...fitting for today. I got a letter in the mail yesterday from the fertility clinic asking the outcome of my pregnancy...fitting for this week. So, I had to send back all the "details" of what happened. I got a coupon for Enfamil formula on Tuesday, at least it was just a coupon instead of like when they sent me formula a few months back. Nothing like opening the door to receive a package for the babies you don't have... fitting for this week. I got the bill from the cemetery for the boys marker...again, fitting for this week. I guess when it rains it really does pour...
When I went to the cemetery today, I was hoping for a sense of peace. Today was not that day. Today, I felt agony and dispare over the loss of Declan and Lucas. Today, when I gave them their toy trucks and Pooh stuffed animals, I cried tears of utter disbelief and sadness. Today, when I posted the letter I wrote to them, I didn't read it out loud because I just couldn't find my voice. Today is just hard and yet, I pretend to be okay because that is what my family needs. They need me to be okay for them even on the days that I long for nothing but the boys. Today, I force the smile and talk politely even when I want to scream and yell that I don't care what anyone really has to say today. Today, 5 months ago my sons were born..Tomorrow, Declan dies and Sunday, Lucas dies and I live it over and over and over again each month. Today, I am broken, beaten and defeated...I am so angry with God and again, here come the tears.
Dear Declan and Lucas,
It is hard to believe that 5 months ago, I was in the hospital fighting to hold on to you and keep you safe. Little did I know that a little after 9:00pm, you would be brought into this world regardless of the fact that neither the both of you nor myself wanted that to happen. I often think what if I just would have refused, would it have made a difference had you stayed for another day or two. I want to know why after 3 weeks of fighting for you, did I have to get sick…why then, why not allow me to carry you longer, to really give you a chance? I have all of these whys in my head and I just wish that I could understand the purpose of this journey…of your short lives? As the days continue on, the questions become more consuming, I want answers…I want there to be a purpose to all of this pain and grief. I don’t want for your deaths to be in vain, I want there to be a reason…why us, why you, why not someone else? How horrible of me to say that, I wouldn’t wish this on anybody but at the same time I don’t want to be here either.
I try to remember what that day was like, January 27, 2008. It is hard because I want so badly to remember everything and I get frustrated because I can’t. I remember that you, Declan, would just hang out kicking and sitting right on my bladder. I remember that you, Lucas, would sit under my ribs on the right side and then roll around under them. I remember how quickly everything happened once they decided you had to come out. I remember the fear and the agony of what was the right thing to do for you both. I remember the shock of them telling me that Declan was a boy because we didn’t know the sex of you. I remember the complete and utter shock of hearing Lucas cry because it never really occurred to me that this would happen or even be possible. I remember them not letting me see Declan at all and whisking you away before I even got to know what you looked like. I remember them letting me quickly see Lucas and you gave me a little wave before you left. I remember it taking hours and hours in recovery before they would let me see you both. I remember being taken in to the NICU and being so stunned at how perfect you were in every way. You were so beautiful, so perfect but so very very tiny. I remember touching you that first time and how warm you were. I remember asking you to fight. I remember telling you we would be back in the morning to see you and I remember not wanting to leave. I remember holding you the next day as you took your final breaths. I remember my heart actually breaking and then I remember feeling numb…These are just a few of the things that I remember…the hardest part is wishing that I had more memories. It is not a lot to share with people and I wish I had more of you to share with them. I wish I had you to share with them…
I hope that you both know how much you are missed each and everyday. I think about you everyday and you are the last thing along with Mackenzie that I think about before I go to sleep at night. I look for you in anything and everything around me. Hoping for a chance that you will leave me a clue that you were near by and I will continue to look for those clues for now and forever. I hope that you watch over our family, we have had a tough year and could use some love, hope, faith and a miracle or two… I love you both with all my heart.
Love with Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy
I went to the cemetery today and of course it rained...fitting for today. I got a letter in the mail yesterday from the fertility clinic asking the outcome of my pregnancy...fitting for this week. So, I had to send back all the "details" of what happened. I got a coupon for Enfamil formula on Tuesday, at least it was just a coupon instead of like when they sent me formula a few months back. Nothing like opening the door to receive a package for the babies you don't have... fitting for this week. I got the bill from the cemetery for the boys marker...again, fitting for this week. I guess when it rains it really does pour...
When I went to the cemetery today, I was hoping for a sense of peace. Today was not that day. Today, I felt agony and dispare over the loss of Declan and Lucas. Today, when I gave them their toy trucks and Pooh stuffed animals, I cried tears of utter disbelief and sadness. Today, when I posted the letter I wrote to them, I didn't read it out loud because I just couldn't find my voice. Today is just hard and yet, I pretend to be okay because that is what my family needs. They need me to be okay for them even on the days that I long for nothing but the boys. Today, I force the smile and talk politely even when I want to scream and yell that I don't care what anyone really has to say today. Today, 5 months ago my sons were born..Tomorrow, Declan dies and Sunday, Lucas dies and I live it over and over and over again each month. Today, I am broken, beaten and defeated...I am so angry with God and again, here come the tears.
Dear Declan and Lucas,
It is hard to believe that 5 months ago, I was in the hospital fighting to hold on to you and keep you safe. Little did I know that a little after 9:00pm, you would be brought into this world regardless of the fact that neither the both of you nor myself wanted that to happen. I often think what if I just would have refused, would it have made a difference had you stayed for another day or two. I want to know why after 3 weeks of fighting for you, did I have to get sick…why then, why not allow me to carry you longer, to really give you a chance? I have all of these whys in my head and I just wish that I could understand the purpose of this journey…of your short lives? As the days continue on, the questions become more consuming, I want answers…I want there to be a purpose to all of this pain and grief. I don’t want for your deaths to be in vain, I want there to be a reason…why us, why you, why not someone else? How horrible of me to say that, I wouldn’t wish this on anybody but at the same time I don’t want to be here either.
I try to remember what that day was like, January 27, 2008. It is hard because I want so badly to remember everything and I get frustrated because I can’t. I remember that you, Declan, would just hang out kicking and sitting right on my bladder. I remember that you, Lucas, would sit under my ribs on the right side and then roll around under them. I remember how quickly everything happened once they decided you had to come out. I remember the fear and the agony of what was the right thing to do for you both. I remember the shock of them telling me that Declan was a boy because we didn’t know the sex of you. I remember the complete and utter shock of hearing Lucas cry because it never really occurred to me that this would happen or even be possible. I remember them not letting me see Declan at all and whisking you away before I even got to know what you looked like. I remember them letting me quickly see Lucas and you gave me a little wave before you left. I remember it taking hours and hours in recovery before they would let me see you both. I remember being taken in to the NICU and being so stunned at how perfect you were in every way. You were so beautiful, so perfect but so very very tiny. I remember touching you that first time and how warm you were. I remember asking you to fight. I remember telling you we would be back in the morning to see you and I remember not wanting to leave. I remember holding you the next day as you took your final breaths. I remember my heart actually breaking and then I remember feeling numb…These are just a few of the things that I remember…the hardest part is wishing that I had more memories. It is not a lot to share with people and I wish I had more of you to share with them. I wish I had you to share with them…
I hope that you both know how much you are missed each and everyday. I think about you everyday and you are the last thing along with Mackenzie that I think about before I go to sleep at night. I look for you in anything and everything around me. Hoping for a chance that you will leave me a clue that you were near by and I will continue to look for those clues for now and forever. I hope that you watch over our family, we have had a tough year and could use some love, hope, faith and a miracle or two… I love you both with all my heart.
Love with Hugs and Kisses,
Mommy
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Gratitude
I have recently received phone calls, emails and posts that have been filled with apologies for things that family and friends feel they didn't do either while we were in the hospital or after losing the boys. While, we appreciate all of the support and kind words, the apologies are just not necessary and I think it is partially my fault for never thanking everyone for all that they did for us. The blame lies between me and god, no one else needs to udder an ounce of apologies for what they "should have done or didn't do." I have had a number of people say, I am sorry we gave you false hope... You didn't, you gave me the strength and courage to fight for 3 more weeks. Without, those three weeks, I would have never given birth to children that were alive. I could have never given them the opportunity to meet their daddy, sister, aunt and grandparents. While, I wish the circumstances were extremely different, I am so very grateful for the short amount of time that we had with the boys and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything in the world. Without your support and prayers, I don't know that we would have had the privilege of meeting our sons and being with them while they took their final breaths.
Where do you begin to thank people for all that they have done for you? How do you thank those that you love for all of their support and prayers during a time of unimaginable pain? Words just seem inadequate and yet that is all I have, my words...
So thank you, thank you for all of your prayers and for asking others to pray for us. Thank you for visiting us in the hospital. Thank you for attending the funeral and sending all of the many many cards. Thank you for your donations both to the NICU foundation at St. Joesph's and for the March of Dimes. Thank you for the endless phone calls of hope and comfort. Thank you for inviting us to go out, even if we declined the invitation. Thank you for the all of the plants and flowers. Thank you for visiting our boys at the cemetery. Thank you to my school and my department for the gift cards and the memorial bricks in honor of the boys. Thank you to anything and everything else that I know I am forgetting.
A special thank you to our parents, without your love, support, and dropping everything at a moments notice to care for us and Mackenzie, we would have not been able to spend those weeks in the hospital and had the opportunity to meet our sons without you. Who unselfishly, rushed to be with us and the boys during their final moments and shared in our most difficult days. To our moms, who spent endless hours with us at the hospital and running back and forth with Mackenzie so we could spend some time with her. To our moms, who did more than we could have ever imagined without even being asked and without an ounce of hesitation. To our parents, for loving us and so desperately wishing they could take the pain away. To my mom, for helping Kevin to make all the big decisions about the boys service when I just couldn't do it.
To my sister, who spent endless hours with us and brought pictures to not only make us laugh but also, make it feel more like home. Who went with the nurses after the boys had passed and helped them take our most treasured pictures of our sons. Who has been my support, my strength and my laughter during these difficult months.
To my uncle Jerry, the Deacon and all of his staff at the funeral home for taking such good care of our sons and providing us with a beautiful final ceremony for the boys. Jerry, will always forever be connect to my sons and hold such a special place in my heart.
To my friend Mary, who did all she could to make sure that work was taken care of and not something that I needed to worry about. Who made sure that our sidewalks and driveway were shoveled. Who came to visit, emailed and called to make sure that I had a sense of "normalcy" and kept me up to date with all the middle school drama. She has become such an amazing friend through the most traumatic of experiences.
To all the strangers whom have reached out to me through prayer, emails and cards with sympathy for our loss and stories about their own loss. These stories have help us to realize that we are not alone in our grief and that while at times the grief seems more than we can bare, we will survive and find our own "new normal".
To everyone else that I may have forgotten, thank you from the bottom of my heart! While, my heart may be broken from the loss of Declan and Lucas, it also swells with love and gratitude for all of you and all that you have done. Thank you, thank you, thank you...
All my love,
Melissa
Where do you begin to thank people for all that they have done for you? How do you thank those that you love for all of their support and prayers during a time of unimaginable pain? Words just seem inadequate and yet that is all I have, my words...
So thank you, thank you for all of your prayers and for asking others to pray for us. Thank you for visiting us in the hospital. Thank you for attending the funeral and sending all of the many many cards. Thank you for your donations both to the NICU foundation at St. Joesph's and for the March of Dimes. Thank you for the endless phone calls of hope and comfort. Thank you for inviting us to go out, even if we declined the invitation. Thank you for the all of the plants and flowers. Thank you for visiting our boys at the cemetery. Thank you to my school and my department for the gift cards and the memorial bricks in honor of the boys. Thank you to anything and everything else that I know I am forgetting.
A special thank you to our parents, without your love, support, and dropping everything at a moments notice to care for us and Mackenzie, we would have not been able to spend those weeks in the hospital and had the opportunity to meet our sons without you. Who unselfishly, rushed to be with us and the boys during their final moments and shared in our most difficult days. To our moms, who spent endless hours with us at the hospital and running back and forth with Mackenzie so we could spend some time with her. To our moms, who did more than we could have ever imagined without even being asked and without an ounce of hesitation. To our parents, for loving us and so desperately wishing they could take the pain away. To my mom, for helping Kevin to make all the big decisions about the boys service when I just couldn't do it.
To my sister, who spent endless hours with us and brought pictures to not only make us laugh but also, make it feel more like home. Who went with the nurses after the boys had passed and helped them take our most treasured pictures of our sons. Who has been my support, my strength and my laughter during these difficult months.
To my uncle Jerry, the Deacon and all of his staff at the funeral home for taking such good care of our sons and providing us with a beautiful final ceremony for the boys. Jerry, will always forever be connect to my sons and hold such a special place in my heart.
To my friend Mary, who did all she could to make sure that work was taken care of and not something that I needed to worry about. Who made sure that our sidewalks and driveway were shoveled. Who came to visit, emailed and called to make sure that I had a sense of "normalcy" and kept me up to date with all the middle school drama. She has become such an amazing friend through the most traumatic of experiences.
To all the strangers whom have reached out to me through prayer, emails and cards with sympathy for our loss and stories about their own loss. These stories have help us to realize that we are not alone in our grief and that while at times the grief seems more than we can bare, we will survive and find our own "new normal".
To everyone else that I may have forgotten, thank you from the bottom of my heart! While, my heart may be broken from the loss of Declan and Lucas, it also swells with love and gratitude for all of you and all that you have done. Thank you, thank you, thank you...
All my love,
Melissa
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Happy Birthday Ian!
My beautiful, kind, strong, brave and above all loyal sister, Abbey, has a friend who is truly struggling today and everyday. Today is her friends boyfriend's birthday. Today, Ian is 25 and I wanted to wish him a happy birthday. Now, most of you are wondering "why" why is this a difficult day for her? Today, like everyday she grieves for Ian because he lost his battle with cancer in January. Today, she is reminded more than ever, that the person she loved more than anything was taken from her before the age of 25. An age where they should have been beginning their lives together. While, I have never met Abbey's friend, I have been told so much about her and am truly amazed by this young woman's strength, courage and love for her Ian. In my opinion, Ian was more than a boyfriend they were like husband and wife. She cared and love this young man like a wife would do for her husband or her children. She spent endless hours helping him, being his strength, making him laugh, giving him the love and support he needed throughout his entire last battle. I often find myself thinking about her and I just wanted her to know how much I admire her strength at such a young age. I don't know many people her age that would so unselfishly put someone above all of their own needs but I do know that Ian was so blessed to have had her in his life. I hope this does not come across to Abbey's friend as arrogance or me assuming I know how she feels because that is by no means my intention. I can never assume to truly know or understand all that she has endured or is enduring just as no one can ever assume to know what I myself am enduring. I do know that grief, anger and sadness over those we have lost is the same in the fact that we just want them back even if it is for just one more minute. We just want to tell them one last time that we love them and to be able to kiss them and hug them. We just want to rid ourselves of any last regrets we didn't do while they were alive.
So, I say to you all don't compare grief, because the loss of child, a sister to breast cancer, a mother who was in poor health, a spouse taken too young or a friend with a terminal illness are all tragedies in their own rights. Don't live life always wishing that you would have done things differently. Love the people that are right in front of you even when they done something that has hurt you, don't take for granted that there will be another day.
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance." (Eccl 3:1-4) God never promised us that life would be easy or that we would be spared from pain instead he gave us the ability to make choices. Sometimes the choices are unfortuantely made for us by him, but more often than not, we are allowed to make our own choices in how we live our lives. So, today, I ask that you make the choice to celebrate life and say a prayer to help Abbey's friend find some comfort in what the day brings.Today, I hope that Abbey's friend can find some comfort in her friends and family. I hope that she will laugh and cry tears of joy as she hears or tells stories of Ian. I hope she will dance and celebrate his life and what he meant to her. Today, I hope she finds peace and love as she remembers all that she meant to him.
Happy Birthday, Ian...
So, I say to you all don't compare grief, because the loss of child, a sister to breast cancer, a mother who was in poor health, a spouse taken too young or a friend with a terminal illness are all tragedies in their own rights. Don't live life always wishing that you would have done things differently. Love the people that are right in front of you even when they done something that has hurt you, don't take for granted that there will be another day.
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance." (Eccl 3:1-4) God never promised us that life would be easy or that we would be spared from pain instead he gave us the ability to make choices. Sometimes the choices are unfortuantely made for us by him, but more often than not, we are allowed to make our own choices in how we live our lives. So, today, I ask that you make the choice to celebrate life and say a prayer to help Abbey's friend find some comfort in what the day brings.Today, I hope that Abbey's friend can find some comfort in her friends and family. I hope that she will laugh and cry tears of joy as she hears or tells stories of Ian. I hope she will dance and celebrate his life and what he meant to her. Today, I hope she finds peace and love as she remembers all that she meant to him.
Happy Birthday, Ian...
Monday, June 23, 2008
The Red Light and Pitcher
Last week after my therapy appointment, I ran a red light and luckly was not hit by another car. The reason for my running of the red light was the fact that I was so in thought about something that my therapist had asked me to do. She asked me to look at a picture of my twin nieces, she said it was time. It was not something that needed to be done when I got home but it needed to be done soon. While, thinking about what she had asked of me, my phone rang and it was my dad. I don't know why he called at that particular moment because we don't talk on the phone often but I like to assume that he knew I needed someone to talk too. I needed someone to help me back to my reality of being in the car driving and just talk to me about nothing at all. I told him I ran the red light and he was glad I was okay. He asked how therapy went but didn't pry when I told him it just had me lost in thoughts but instead reassured me how glad he was that I had someone to talk to and that it was helping. Then he proceeded to ask me if it was normal to cook a pork roast at 170 degrees. I let out a little chuckle and informed him that the cookbook was referring to the internal temperature of the roast. It was nice because at that moment, I need someone and it happened to be the comfort of my dad.
Well, we finished up our conversation and I began thinking about what my therapist said again. I knew she was right and I felt like I had some how gotten the strength from the sound of my dad's voice to look at their pictures. I wasn't sure what to expect and I wasn't sure if I could really look at more than one but I knew it had to be done at that particular moment. So when I got home, I opened up my laptop and went online to see their pictures. Initially, the pictures on this particular site are very small. It was like baby steps I could kind of see what they looked like but it wasn't big and in my face. I gained more courage and I opened up a picture of the both of the girls being held by their grandpa and just stared at it. Then, the tears began because I thought how beautiful those little girls are and how lucky they are to be loved by their grandpa. Then came the sadness not towards the girls but for my boys. All I could think about was the fact that my dad or Kevin's dad never got to hold Declan and Lucas together like that and they never would. Then came the intense anger at the fact that I never got to hold my own children that way. To feel their breath on my neck or feel their skin on mine. The anger of the fact that my sons will never get to know any of their family nor will we get to know them.
I close the pictures and just continued to shake for a while until I had this overwhelming desire to break something...anything. I saw a pitcher on the table, I felt the weight of it in my hands, I examined it whole and then I just let go. I watched it hit the ground and break into what seemed like a thousand pieces. I just looked at all of those jagged pieces on the ground and thought this is my life. It is no longer whole but instead a thousand jagged pieces waiting to be put back together. I kept thinking their are so many broken pieces how am I ever going to be able to put them all back together. After the tears stopped, I started to clean up the mess I made and was slowly recovering from the bout of anger when I decided that I needed to keep all of the pieces. I had read that breaking something and putting it back together can be very theraputic. I know the breaking part felt great but I don't know about putting it back together? So, I got a bag and in to the bag all of the pieces went. The idea is that as I get stronger and when I feel ready, I can start to put the pieces back together.
A few days later, I decided I needed to really just look at the girls by themselves and I saw nothing more than a picture of two cute little girls. So, I started to put the pitcher back together. The pitcher is not by any means completed nor does that mean that I am still not angry. It just means that for that moment on that day I some how found the strength to start putting back the pieces, but I now there will be days when the pieces fall apart again. Hopefully, it just won't be so many. This pitcher will never look the same, it will forever have pieces missing and just like the pitcher my life will never be the same because Declan and Lucas will always be the missing.
Well, we finished up our conversation and I began thinking about what my therapist said again. I knew she was right and I felt like I had some how gotten the strength from the sound of my dad's voice to look at their pictures. I wasn't sure what to expect and I wasn't sure if I could really look at more than one but I knew it had to be done at that particular moment. So when I got home, I opened up my laptop and went online to see their pictures. Initially, the pictures on this particular site are very small. It was like baby steps I could kind of see what they looked like but it wasn't big and in my face. I gained more courage and I opened up a picture of the both of the girls being held by their grandpa and just stared at it. Then, the tears began because I thought how beautiful those little girls are and how lucky they are to be loved by their grandpa. Then came the sadness not towards the girls but for my boys. All I could think about was the fact that my dad or Kevin's dad never got to hold Declan and Lucas together like that and they never would. Then came the intense anger at the fact that I never got to hold my own children that way. To feel their breath on my neck or feel their skin on mine. The anger of the fact that my sons will never get to know any of their family nor will we get to know them.
I close the pictures and just continued to shake for a while until I had this overwhelming desire to break something...anything. I saw a pitcher on the table, I felt the weight of it in my hands, I examined it whole and then I just let go. I watched it hit the ground and break into what seemed like a thousand pieces. I just looked at all of those jagged pieces on the ground and thought this is my life. It is no longer whole but instead a thousand jagged pieces waiting to be put back together. I kept thinking their are so many broken pieces how am I ever going to be able to put them all back together. After the tears stopped, I started to clean up the mess I made and was slowly recovering from the bout of anger when I decided that I needed to keep all of the pieces. I had read that breaking something and putting it back together can be very theraputic. I know the breaking part felt great but I don't know about putting it back together? So, I got a bag and in to the bag all of the pieces went. The idea is that as I get stronger and when I feel ready, I can start to put the pieces back together.
A few days later, I decided I needed to really just look at the girls by themselves and I saw nothing more than a picture of two cute little girls. So, I started to put the pitcher back together. The pitcher is not by any means completed nor does that mean that I am still not angry. It just means that for that moment on that day I some how found the strength to start putting back the pieces, but I now there will be days when the pieces fall apart again. Hopefully, it just won't be so many. This pitcher will never look the same, it will forever have pieces missing and just like the pitcher my life will never be the same because Declan and Lucas will always be the missing.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Doing it over..
I received an email today from my mom and she told me she wishes so much that she could have held the boys while they were alive. My response to her was that I wish that we would have done so many things differently. There were so many things that I wished we would have done with the boys but we just didn't either know that we could or we were too in shock by what was going on to ask. I wish that I would have made it in time to see Declan baptized. I wish that I could have held the boys skin to skin while they were alive. I wish that I could have heard Declan cry. I wish that I would have rubbed my belly more. I wish I would have read them a book. I wish I would have change their diaper. I wish I would have given them a bath and dressed them. I wish I would have had their hands and feet printed in clay. I wish I would have spent more time in the NICU with them so that they knew the sound of my voice or the feel of my touch. I wish I would have hugged and kissed them one last time. I wish I would have said I love you over and over again. I wish that someone would have taken a picture of me with the boys. I wish I had a picture of Mackenzie and the boys. I wish we had a family picture of the 5 of us. I truly wish I could have seen them open their eyes. I never will know what color their eyes were or if they had my eyes or Kevin's eyes. I never got to look into their souls so to speak. And I too wish that their grandparents and sister had gotten to hold them and love them while they were alive. I guess that is why they call it "hind sight". These are all things that I never got to do and will never get to do with them. If I had to do over again, I would do them all and I would breath in every moment, every smell, every look and every touch so that I could hold on to them as long as possible. You never imagine this will happen to you and when it does, there just is never enough time. Why didn't someone tell me to do these things? Why didn't they tell me to slow down and really spend the time with them the right way by doing all of these little things? I now have so many regrets and they are regrets that I will have for the rest of my life because these are the things that I won't ever be able to "do over" with them. I can't fix it, I can't learn from it, I can't make it better, it is over, I can't go back and that literally breaks my heart. I wish I would have been a better mom for those few short days.
Painting
As I sit here thinking about Declan and Lucas, I stare at the painting I made to remember them. I made it child like so that it would be a picture that everyone that saw it could understand the innocence of children but at the same time not feel uncomfortable looking at it. I love seeing their actual footprints pushed into the clouds as a reminder for me to look up into the sky and see them. I love to go up to the painting and run my fingers over their prints and feel the texture of the paint on my skin. I wouldn't say that it is a master piece or even a high quality painting but that is okay because it is a painting of pure love and emotion. I remember working on it one night when Kevin was gone and my tears just kept dropping on to the canvas and I would just mix them into the paint. I see all the imperfections of this painting and I think about how those imperfections mirror the imperfections of life. This painting is not smooth, it is rough and bumpy just like life. As I sit here and tears flow today, I am attempting to push myself over those rough spots and those bumps that seem like mountains. I am asking god to please help me understand this rough and bumpy path he has put me on. To please show me or at least help me to understand the purpose of this path without my sons.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Out with friends
So, Kevin and I went out for the first time with friends since the boys had passed. We were both a little nervous because we hadn't seen any of our friends since the boys funeral. We weren't really sure if our friends would be "normal" around us or be uncomfortable like so many other people we have encountered over the months. It was really great to see everyone, I know for Kevin it was great for him to be out with guys and have some laughs. For me, it was great to see the girls and just be able to talk with them about nothing and everything.
It was great to sit and talk with a friend of ours. She too has suffered a great loss this year so it was very comfortable to sit and talk with her about our losses. She was so supportive and asked so many questions about the boys. So few people ask about my sons for fear of either upsetting me, upsetting themselves or just because they don't know how or what to ask. She asked so many questions and really took an interest in allowing me to tell her all of my memories of them which are few but so precious to me. She even wanted to see pictures and commented on how they looked like their daddy. Nobody, ever has asked to see pictures of them and it really made my heart swell with happiness and pride to show them to her. I told Kevin about how she said the boys looked like him and it brought tears to his eyes. I know he wishes that someone would talk with him about the boys (besides me) so he could talk about all of his memories of them but he says it is just different with guys. Its not that they don't care, it is just that they are guys and don't know what to ask or if it is weird to ask questions.
I felt a little uncomfortable talking about my sons in front of a pregnant friend of mine. It is still hard to see pregnant woman because I am envious of their "hopefully" uncomplicated pregnancies. I also don't want any of them to add any undo stress to themselves by worrying that something "bad" could happen to their pregnancy like it did to mine and our boys. Pregnant woman have enough to worry about, my sad story is something they don't need to dwell on. I do appreciate this particular pregnant's friend interest in my sons and their story but right now is not the time for her to know all the details.
I do have to say that while today brought up a lot of emotions, it was so wonderful to talk about Declan and Lucas. It felt so great to show their pictures and be proud of how beautiful they were. While, I was at this party thinking about them, it was different because I was also explaining about the impact that their short lives have left on me, Kevin, our family but I was also able to express the love that we have for them. Thank you Nadia...today, your questions and our conversation meant more than you will ever know. Thank you for allowing me to share my sons with you...thank you for acknowledging how real they were and how much they are truly missed beyond any amount of words.
It was great to sit and talk with a friend of ours. She too has suffered a great loss this year so it was very comfortable to sit and talk with her about our losses. She was so supportive and asked so many questions about the boys. So few people ask about my sons for fear of either upsetting me, upsetting themselves or just because they don't know how or what to ask. She asked so many questions and really took an interest in allowing me to tell her all of my memories of them which are few but so precious to me. She even wanted to see pictures and commented on how they looked like their daddy. Nobody, ever has asked to see pictures of them and it really made my heart swell with happiness and pride to show them to her. I told Kevin about how she said the boys looked like him and it brought tears to his eyes. I know he wishes that someone would talk with him about the boys (besides me) so he could talk about all of his memories of them but he says it is just different with guys. Its not that they don't care, it is just that they are guys and don't know what to ask or if it is weird to ask questions.
I felt a little uncomfortable talking about my sons in front of a pregnant friend of mine. It is still hard to see pregnant woman because I am envious of their "hopefully" uncomplicated pregnancies. I also don't want any of them to add any undo stress to themselves by worrying that something "bad" could happen to their pregnancy like it did to mine and our boys. Pregnant woman have enough to worry about, my sad story is something they don't need to dwell on. I do appreciate this particular pregnant's friend interest in my sons and their story but right now is not the time for her to know all the details.
I do have to say that while today brought up a lot of emotions, it was so wonderful to talk about Declan and Lucas. It felt so great to show their pictures and be proud of how beautiful they were. While, I was at this party thinking about them, it was different because I was also explaining about the impact that their short lives have left on me, Kevin, our family but I was also able to express the love that we have for them. Thank you Nadia...today, your questions and our conversation meant more than you will ever know. Thank you for allowing me to share my sons with you...thank you for acknowledging how real they were and how much they are truly missed beyond any amount of words.
Friday, June 20, 2008
The Zoo
Mackenzie and I went to the zoo yesterday with a friend of mine and her daughter. It was a beautiful day and the four of us had fun together. I did notice so many mothers who were either pregnant or with new born babies, which made me sad. I kept thinking how fun it would have been to go to the zoo with all three of my children. It would have taken so much work to get us all ready but it would have been worth every minute of it. Mackenzie would be telling the boys all the different sounds that the animals make and the boys would be smiling or laughing at how silly she would sound. It is such a beautiful image to have and I wish with all my heart it wasn't just a dream, but sadly all it is and ever will be is a broken dream.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Trying Again?
I went for my yearly exam today and was happy to report that I had lost 6 pounds. It is a start to getting my body healthy not only for myself but for the possiblity of another pregnancy someday. I talked with my OB about the conversation I had with high risk specialist and he was happy to hear that Kevin and I were thinking of trying again. He had been worried that we wouldn't want to have more children, in which he said he understood had we not decided to try again, but was glad to hear that we wanted more because he thought we were great parents. So, I sat there and talked with him about another pregnancy. It was a hard discussion! On the one hand, I want more children but on the other, the FEAR is so intense. What would we do if this were to happen again? Would we survive this again as a family as a couple? The death of a child or in our case two children puts a strain on your relationship no matter how strong or how long that relationship has been together.
I was thinking about being pregnant again and this sadness just came over me. A sadness of how my next child will never know his or her brother's. A sadness of will I be happy about being pregnant? Will I ever be over the fear of losing another child. Being pregnant is suppose to be a happy time, but I can honestly say that I have never been anything but scared, frustrated and often emotionally exhausted during all 5 of my pregnancies. I just want to be able to truly enjoy being pregnant without the fear, heartache and sadness. I want the fairytale that we are told about as young girls, the one where you having a family is easy and blissful, not fearful and heartbreaking.
So, Kevin and I will try to get pregnant on our own without the help of fertility meds for a while. My cycles are already out of whack but I hope with the exercise and weight loss maybe we will be blessed or atleast get lucky and be able to have a baby the old fashion way. I am nervous about that too...I don't want it to become a "chore" or frustrating if month after month no pregnancy. I know men don't tend to think that way when it comes to sex but, I know that I do at least right now. I equate sex to baby which is not good for our relationship, so I have to remember to enjoy our intimacy and be okay with whatever god has in store for us...easier said than done.
One last thought that has been weighing on my mind is how people will react if I am blessed with another pregnancy? I mean I have had people make comments to me about being blessed that I have Mackenzie which is true but that doesn't mean that I don't want more. I wonder, if people will think that I am selfish to put myself, my husband, our family through a situation like this again that is if things were to go wrong again? I guess I wonder that because I often wonder if it is a selfish act to want more children after suffering such a tremendous loss? Today, I have a heavy heart and a mind full of unanswered questions.
I was thinking about being pregnant again and this sadness just came over me. A sadness of how my next child will never know his or her brother's. A sadness of will I be happy about being pregnant? Will I ever be over the fear of losing another child. Being pregnant is suppose to be a happy time, but I can honestly say that I have never been anything but scared, frustrated and often emotionally exhausted during all 5 of my pregnancies. I just want to be able to truly enjoy being pregnant without the fear, heartache and sadness. I want the fairytale that we are told about as young girls, the one where you having a family is easy and blissful, not fearful and heartbreaking.
So, Kevin and I will try to get pregnant on our own without the help of fertility meds for a while. My cycles are already out of whack but I hope with the exercise and weight loss maybe we will be blessed or atleast get lucky and be able to have a baby the old fashion way. I am nervous about that too...I don't want it to become a "chore" or frustrating if month after month no pregnancy. I know men don't tend to think that way when it comes to sex but, I know that I do at least right now. I equate sex to baby which is not good for our relationship, so I have to remember to enjoy our intimacy and be okay with whatever god has in store for us...easier said than done.
One last thought that has been weighing on my mind is how people will react if I am blessed with another pregnancy? I mean I have had people make comments to me about being blessed that I have Mackenzie which is true but that doesn't mean that I don't want more. I wonder, if people will think that I am selfish to put myself, my husband, our family through a situation like this again that is if things were to go wrong again? I guess I wonder that because I often wonder if it is a selfish act to want more children after suffering such a tremendous loss? Today, I have a heavy heart and a mind full of unanswered questions.
Marker
I never thought in a million years that I would be purchasing a marker for my sons grave in the cemetary. As, I write these words it still seems surreal to me? How can I be actually purchasing this for them instead of purchasing adorable clothes to put on them? Well, I have been emailing with the cemetery on how to purchase a marker, what color, what to put on it, cost, and how long it will take. I have been sent photos of various designs, colors and layouts. It is a long process because I want it to be just right. Part of the problem is that we are required a specific size marker because the boys were buried in the infant section of the cemetary so the plots are very small, as you can imagine. Well, we had the boys buried together so, having both of their names, birthdates and deathdates is going to be a tight squeeze on those small marker. The cemetary and the lovely man that I have been working with have agreed to let us have a slightly larger marker to fit all of the boys information on...I just wanted to thank them so much for granting us this small but truly important gift. We just want this marker to be perfect...I guess as perfect as you can imagine for a childs grave. Now, we wait...wait for it be finished, placed into the ground and for their final resting place to be completed...
Saturday, June 14, 2008
The Day Is Finally Over
The day is finally over
And the both of you are gone.
Life moves on without you
And the sun will rise before the dawn.
Today, I rocked without you
And missed you both so very much.
I thought my heart would break apart,
As I went through all your stuff.
The tears began to flow like water,
A silent rain that never ends.
I wonder aloud in your room, "Why God"
Why did their little lives have to end?
The answers he could not tell me,
As I sat wanting to hold you tight.
The day is finally over,
Will you visit me in my dreams tonight?
Author: Melissa DeCabooter
And the both of you are gone.
Life moves on without you
And the sun will rise before the dawn.
Today, I rocked without you
And missed you both so very much.
I thought my heart would break apart,
As I went through all your stuff.
The tears began to flow like water,
A silent rain that never ends.
I wonder aloud in your room, "Why God"
Why did their little lives have to end?
The answers he could not tell me,
As I sat wanting to hold you tight.
The day is finally over,
Will you visit me in my dreams tonight?
Author: Melissa DeCabooter
At Peace...
Today, as I watch Mackenzie laugh and chase the dog around the yard, I felt the boys with me. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing a gentle breeze. I heard the chimes ring out just a litttle and saw the swings moving. At that moment, I could hear their laughter in the chimes, feel their warmth in the breeze and see them sitting on the swings. For that brief moment, it was such a calm sense of happiness and peace. For that moment, I could feel the love of all three of my children and see them in my back yard. For that moment, I thank your lord, for giving me that moment.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Everything has changed...
Today, I was thinking how everything has drastically changed since losing the boys. The way I feel, the way I look, my relationships with my husband, my friends, my family. I started thinking about the holidays and how they will never be the same...the dream is gone and can never be replaced. How I was looking so forward to Christmas this year, having 3 kids to shower with gifts and sit on Santa's lap. How fun and exciting it was going to be at my in-laws with not just our set of twins but with my brother-in-laws set of twins. Now, I will see those babies and ask "why" did you have to take our children lord? I had so much love to give them but I didn't get the chance. Instead, I see these other beautiful twin girls who are the same age as my sons and I am reminded of what we are missing out on. We are missing out on changing diapers, midnight feedings, rocking, first smiles, sitting, crawling, walking, mama, dada, and so many hugs and kisses...I ask again Lord, WHY? I would give anything to hold them again, we didn't have enough time, enough memories, enough pictures, enough love, enough hugs and kisses...Now, all we have are tears.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Father's Day is approaching
Well, Father's Day is only a little over a week away and I just am so nervous. I got Kevin a gift from Mackenzie and the boys and I am so worried as to how he is going to react? It is a drawing of Mackenzie holding her brothers and I want it to be special but I also don't want to blind side him. I don't know if I should tell him about it before he opens it or if I should just let him open it. I also wrote this poem for the boys and am going to re-write it in caligraphy for him, then have it framed for our office.
For a Few Short Days
For a few short days
All we could do was beg and pray.
Please God just let them live,
Please God just let them stay.
For a few short days
He answerd our prayers.
We saw you, we touched you,
We held you, we LOVED you.
For a few short days, you fought so bravely.
But as the hours passed by,
We realized that death was going to take you,
The time was approaching for us to say our good-byes.
Within a few short days,
You changed our lives.
This the both of us will never forget,
Our two little boys who had once lived and whom we had once met.
For those few short days have left us
and God has taken you away.
All we have left are the memories
and pictures from those days.
For those few short days have changed us,
You have left your footprints upon our souls.
In our hearts, you will always remain,
The babies that we had but never got to know.
Those few short days are over.
Yet, mommy and daddy we remain
and though our arms are empty,
We will always cry your names.
Good-Bye is not forever,
for one day we will meet.
But until that day has found us,
Please know with all our heart.
We love you both so very much
and we wish we never had to part.
A few short days we held you
and now the dreams are gone.
But your love will never leave us
and this I know is true
I love you is forever
and forever is when we come home to you.
Author: Melissa DeCabooter
For a Few Short Days
For a few short days
All we could do was beg and pray.
Please God just let them live,
Please God just let them stay.
For a few short days
He answerd our prayers.
We saw you, we touched you,
We held you, we LOVED you.
For a few short days, you fought so bravely.
But as the hours passed by,
We realized that death was going to take you,
The time was approaching for us to say our good-byes.
Within a few short days,
You changed our lives.
This the both of us will never forget,
Our two little boys who had once lived and whom we had once met.
For those few short days have left us
and God has taken you away.
All we have left are the memories
and pictures from those days.
For those few short days have changed us,
You have left your footprints upon our souls.
In our hearts, you will always remain,
The babies that we had but never got to know.
Those few short days are over.
Yet, mommy and daddy we remain
and though our arms are empty,
We will always cry your names.
Good-Bye is not forever,
for one day we will meet.
But until that day has found us,
Please know with all our heart.
We love you both so very much
and we wish we never had to part.
A few short days we held you
and now the dreams are gone.
But your love will never leave us
and this I know is true
I love you is forever
and forever is when we come home to you.
Author: Melissa DeCabooter
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the birthday to two little boys named Ethan and Blake. These beautiful little boys would have been 3 months old tomorrow. Like my sons, they were twins born to early around 24 weeks. I hope that their wonderful mom, Devon, and her family find some peace tomorrow on this difficult day. While, I would never wish this pain on anybody, I am so grateful that I have found her because her pain is mine. She understands my irrational thoughts, anger and sadness like no other.
Devon, I wish you a kind day. A day where you can cry for your sons but find laughter in your daughter. A day where you can let go of balloons up to heaven, sending your sons the love and comfort they deserve. I know the next few days will continue to be especially difficult and I am thinking of you as always.
Devon, I wish you a kind day. A day where you can cry for your sons but find laughter in your daughter. A day where you can let go of balloons up to heaven, sending your sons the love and comfort they deserve. I know the next few days will continue to be especially difficult and I am thinking of you as always.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Wondering...
I have so many questions about god right now. I was raised Catholic but don't consider myself to be a follower of the Catholic religion. I have always had a strong faith or belief in god and heaven, I guess I figured why not believe that there is a place where there is not pain, suffering or tragedy like the world we live in. I thought that if I prayed and attempted to be a good person then good things would happen to me. I guess I thought, if I showed god that I didn't take all the wonderful things in life that he gave me for granted, then I would be blessed with more happiness. I never imagined that he would take my children from me, I feel like I am being punished for some sin that I have committed? I read other blogs and I am at times at a loss for words because these woman and their families have had such terrible family losses yet they are still strong in their faith and their devotion to god. I don't understand how they can have this faith...I understand that they question it at times but for the most part that unwaivering faith in gods will is there. If god is this gracious wonderful being, why does he take the ones that we love from us? Why does he give children to families who don't want them or abuse them? What is the purpose of granting us only a few short days with our kids to take them so quickly from us, why not take them earlier or never allow us to have them? Please understand I am so grateful and would not trade those few days that I had with my sons but I still question...what was the reasoning of only granting me with their love for just those few short days? If anyone, can help me with ideas or views on god, faith, religion...it doesn't matter to me what religion you are, I just want to find some peace in understanding why this happened.
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