Doing it over..

I received an email today from my mom and she told me she wishes so much that she could have held the boys while they were alive. My response to her was that I wish that we would have done so many things differently. There were so many things that I wished we would have done with the boys but we just didn't either know that we could or we were too in shock by what was going on to ask. I wish that I would have made it in time to see Declan baptized. I wish that I could have held the boys skin to skin while they were alive. I wish that I could have heard Declan cry. I wish that I would have rubbed my belly more. I wish I would have read them a book. I wish I would have change their diaper. I wish I would have given them a bath and dressed them. I wish I would have had their hands and feet printed in clay. I wish I would have spent more time in the NICU with them so that they knew the sound of my voice or the feel of my touch. I wish I would have hugged and kissed them one last time. I wish I would have said I love you over and over again. I wish that someone would have taken a picture of me with the boys. I wish I had a picture of Mackenzie and the boys. I wish we had a family picture of the 5 of us. I truly wish I could have seen them open their eyes. I never will know what color their eyes were or if they had my eyes or Kevin's eyes. I never got to look into their souls so to speak. And I too wish that their grandparents and sister had gotten to hold them and love them while they were alive. I guess that is why they call it "hind sight". These are all things that I never got to do and will never get to do with them. If I had to do over again, I would do them all and I would breath in every moment, every smell, every look and every touch so that I could hold on to them as long as possible. You never imagine this will happen to you and when it does, there just is never enough time. Why didn't someone tell me to do these things? Why didn't they tell me to slow down and really spend the time with them the right way by doing all of these little things? I now have so many regrets and they are regrets that I will have for the rest of my life because these are the things that I won't ever be able to "do over" with them. I can't fix it, I can't learn from it, I can't make it better, it is over, I can't go back and that literally breaks my heart. I wish I would have been a better mom for those few short days.