Trying Again?

I went for my yearly exam today and was happy to report that I had lost 6 pounds. It is a start to getting my body healthy not only for myself but for the possiblity of another pregnancy someday. I talked with my OB about the conversation I had with high risk specialist and he was happy to hear that Kevin and I were thinking of trying again. He had been worried that we wouldn't want to have more children, in which he said he understood had we not decided to try again, but was glad to hear that we wanted more because he thought we were great parents. So, I sat there and talked with him about another pregnancy. It was a hard discussion! On the one hand, I want more children but on the other, the FEAR is so intense. What would we do if this were to happen again? Would we survive this again as a family as a couple? The death of a child or in our case two children puts a strain on your relationship no matter how strong or how long that relationship has been together.

I was thinking about being pregnant again and this sadness just came over me. A sadness of how my next child will never know his or her brother's. A sadness of will I be happy about being pregnant? Will I ever be over the fear of losing another child. Being pregnant is suppose to be a happy time, but I can honestly say that I have never been anything but scared, frustrated and often emotionally exhausted during all 5 of my pregnancies. I just want to be able to truly enjoy being pregnant without the fear, heartache and sadness. I want the fairytale that we are told about as young girls, the one where you having a family is easy and blissful, not fearful and heartbreaking.

So, Kevin and I will try to get pregnant on our own without the help of fertility meds for a while. My cycles are already out of whack but I hope with the exercise and weight loss maybe we will be blessed or atleast get lucky and be able to have a baby the old fashion way. I am nervous about that too...I don't want it to become a "chore" or frustrating if month after month no pregnancy. I know men don't tend to think that way when it comes to sex but, I know that I do at least right now. I equate sex to baby which is not good for our relationship, so I have to remember to enjoy our intimacy and be okay with whatever god has in store for us...easier said than done.

One last thought that has been weighing on my mind is how people will react if I am blessed with another pregnancy? I mean I have had people make comments to me about being blessed that I have Mackenzie which is true but that doesn't mean that I don't want more. I wonder, if people will think that I am selfish to put myself, my husband, our family through a situation like this again that is if things were to go wrong again? I guess I wonder that because I often wonder if it is a selfish act to want more children after suffering such a tremendous loss? Today, I have a heavy heart and a mind full of unanswered questions.